I don't like that I got here

[Brity]

hello, my autocorrect attempted to write "help" and that probably is what I need. For the majority of my life I have felt that I'm unable to get up out of bed, it was just a sudden occurrence that I no longer felt awakened by the new day and just slumped in exhaustion. Preferring the comfort of my bed than whatever was beyond that, nothing interested me, nothing made me... Proactive anymore. I want to blame it at a biological level, that my hormones or my ssri's were somehow forget imbalanced but a part of me is also scared that I can never regain that same energy. I don't want to believe that it's just the facts of getting older because it seems to be more debilitating than that. I'm not able to complete any of my goals or small tasks throughout the day seem more challenging to completely and I'm easily distracted or wanting to just give up my responsibilities for the nearest fun activity. But my responsibilities and what I love most have brought these issues to me time and again, and I never make a meaningful enough effort to change. I do good for about a week or two but then I drop back to the same slump.

What I'm hoping for in this group is to help evaluate or get some tips on how to not be like this. I like having fun but I don't like going back on my word, remembering all the broken promises and seeing how it affects those who I love.

I don't know if it hurt or helped when I actually FELT how much of a difference had come to me, I had taken 5-htp to help with my overall sleep exhaustion a few years back (recommended by a friend) and the next day I felt wonderful. Like I had slept all the bad thoughts and feelings away, I felt myself again and I sat there in disbelief, missing myself, about to cry, and ready to attack the day for as long as the day was. I remember this now as a find memory but obviously upset that I don't experience this every day. That me is the real me or it was me and I don't know how to get that person back. The closest I got to that level of energy was back in COVID, when everything was locked down and remote, I was able to rest practically 12 hours per day; I didn't feel fully rested as I did on 5-htp, but I felt better than my new "normal", I was proactive because I had so much more free time.... My sorry it's that, I don't want to be dependent on drugs to make me a version of myself if it means it's not authentically me but I feel that since experiencing that, that I now compare myself and "know" what's hiding beneath the surface.

Also, with describing all of this...I don't even know where to start with describing what I have. Is this depression? Or am I so anxious about my responsibilities that I just choose to sleep and hope for more energy to combat it? Or is this even a disorder and I'm just complaining about a very simple issue that I just never have felt to acknowledge or make real efforts to change this mindset? I've been told in many relationships that I struggle or just straight don't put effort towards anything but I put myself through these period of straight workload and basically burn out. These last 2 years or so I've given myself so much slack to relax and I'm also worried that I'll just make this a habit to erase the world and plummet myself into work, then take a mental hiatus again because I "deserve" it...

I want to be a more consistent and positive person, but I'm my own worse enemy because I let myself stay in these ruts and never talk about where I'm at mentally to anyone. It's not that I don't have anyone to go to, it's just very difficult for me to verbally communicate.

[fauxartist]

When you said this: 'I'm easily distracted or wanting to just give up my responsibilities for the nearest fun activity.'...it sounds like your saying you have energy to just do fun stuff and not for things that are chores. You also mentioned about broken promises. Maybe don't make promises you know you won't keep. And if you have energy to do fun stuff, you probably have energy to do the stuff you need to do to sustain a life style. Many of us here suffer from depression, but it effects us in all areas of our lives when we are on the down side of it, including not feeling up to having any fun. So I'm wondering if maybe you could used some of that energy to do a chore or two and then reward yourself with having a break that is fun.

[Thankfulforhelp22]

I kept stuff inside for way too long. It is very hard to talk about these things for many of us here. The thing I did not realize is that you need help with your health both mental and physical. You have to try as hard as you can to reach out for help. I finally hit the wall and had to do it.

The truth is that just as you wouldn't fix your own broken leg you need help with mental issues. It has not cured me but has helped me very much.

[MaggieSylvie]

What does depression look like? You may have depression or it might be something else. The way you are feeling is not you. It is how you are feeling, and what hits me from your post is the word sleep. It sounds as if the sleep that you get is not restorative enough, or you would be bouncing out of bed after seven or eight hours. So I might suggest that you work on getting that restorative sleep in whatever way you can - see your GP, pharmacist, holistic remedies - meditation, calming techniques, 5-htp, and anything that doesn't poison your body. I'm only saying this because you say you don't want to take drugs. I have a very similar experience of what you describe.

I now (normally) get enough restorative sleep, but I get it through prescribed medication and it's not without its side effects. However, after years of shallow sleep that did little for me, I now feel like I did before puberty, when I had no difficulty sleeping. Puberty came and I wanted more than I was getting and after that, I would call it "alert sleeping" which led to chronic insomnia and disturbed, light sleep, that left me feeling groggy during the working day, while believing it was all part of who I was. It wasn't. And I've learned this late in life, even though it is drug induced. If I were younger and didn't suffer from certain draining illnesses, there would be no barriers to my achieving whatever I wanted. So please, do start with your sleep - your bed and bedroom environment, what time you go to bed, what time you need to get up, what you want to get done in your day, how you feel upon waking and how your energy levels are throughout the day. I feel sure that should be your starting point.

So 5-htp because you know that works, or get your hormones checked (or whatever your GP suggests - it could be thyroid related or something else) and if you have ever done yoga, you will know that if you fall asleep during yoga nidra, you won't get the full benefit, so that "post sleep lie-in", enjoying the feel of your bed can be very beneficial. Give yourself time to consciously relax, and then plan your day, whatever that means for you. So now, get researching about sleep and get your life back. You and I both know that it's possible.😊