I don't know where to start, so I suppose I will begin with the basics.
I am new here, and I have never tried anything like this. I do see a therapist (though I am moving out of state, so I am looking for a new one) and I am on WellButrin currently.
In short, when I wake up and look in the mirror in the morning, I absolutely despise what I see. I am not suicidal; I would never put that on someone else. It's more that I feel that the people around me and the world in general would be indifferent, and possibly better off, had I never been a part of it.
To me that is a clear distinction. I am here, and I don't intend on doing anything to change that. It's just that I feel my existence as at best trivial and at worst damaging and destructive. I tried to do some research to see if there was name or explanation for that complex feeling, but nothing became immediately apparent.
I am a volcano of emotions nearly all the time. My swings from happiness to sadness to rage are almost instantaneous, and there is rarely little middle ground. If I am happy the world knows it, and if I am angry, it's impossible to miss.
You wouldn't know it if you met me, because I am adept at disguising it, but I have never really felt like I "fit" with everyone else. I had a wonderful, abuse-free childhood, and I have done all the "normal" things, like high school, college, a steady career, etc., and I've always been surrounded by fantastic people, but I've still always felt like an outsider. I am not sure why.
Everything about all of this is always directed inward. I don't blame the world for my problems; I blame myself and only myself wholeheartedly.
It took me a long time to get help, but I think I've had these feelings for upwards of twenty years. I'm not even sure what the intent of this post is, but articulating my feelings in writing seems to be helpful.
I'd be curious to know if my feelings are unique or if this is something that others have felt/are feeling.