I am so tired of sadness ruining my relationships

[LynnSalv]

Who would say that masking your feelings would come back to bite you, right? Sometimes my feelings leek and people notice, it can make them uncomfortable. Not to mention, my mood changes and sometimes I may be sensitive to things I would ignore or laugh at in a normal situation. I am so tired of myself.

[Dani0431]

Hey, I get this so much. I think if someone really cares about you then they will stick around, regardless of how sad you are.

[LynnSalv in reply to Dani0431]

Yeah, I guess you are right, but it makes me feel sad to know I am the cause of other people´s preocupation or them being uncomfortable. Specially my mom, that is why I try to hide them so much.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

I understand. Sometimes it’s hard being me. But I’m the only game in town. I’m all I’ve got. And if I can’t like myself, I am in bad shape.

I can achieve self love through self awareness and accepting what I find. But also changing what I can. I’m a depressive with anxiety issues. I’m an alcoholic in recovery. I’m self centered and full of self pity at times.

But I’m also a good, honest communicator with a great sense of humor. I have a lot of compassion for others and try to help as many folks as I can. I am worthy of respect. And I try to respect myself by allowing myself to be authentic.

Once I like the self I find, I can begin to love myself. And that’s where the peace comes from.

Affirmations work. Prayer and meditation do too.

I wish you seeenity and peace.

[Dani0431 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Are you really self-centered or is that a message that has been perpetuated by the internet? I ask myself that question a lot because people online have their own agenda when they push content calling everyone self-centered. I hope you can not be ashamed to take care of yourself, something I’m working on too.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Dani0431]

My favorite subject is me. And my feelings. And my thoughts. It gets tiring; the amount of time I spend staring at my navel and worrying about my problems. Yes I am inherently self centered. But I accept that and work very hard to think about others. And how I can help them. I go out of my way to do, and pray, for people. My mind gets recentered and I change. But it’s a daily practice.

I also make a daily gratitude list which helps my frame of mind too.

[fauxartist in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

I think this is a good example of how to take your own personal inventory honestly and objectively. When we find what our assets are and what we have to offer others because of it, we can see that we have value, we matter, and that validates us. Often with depression we dwell on the negative, and we can become a curmudgeon....but when we see the humor in life and can laugh at ourselves too.....then we find we are no better or less than anyone else. We deserve to be happy, or as I say, happisher....

[LynnSalv in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Oh, this is something I struggle on. I diminish my virtues and make my defects way bigger than they are. I made a "virtues and defects" list to see which virtues I have, which defects I have, and this way I acknowledge in what things I need to work on and on what things I do have. You have it worse than me, I only have mild dysthymia, yet you know how to manage your problem and are able to recognize your virtues. I aspire to get to that level, thank you so much.

And thank you so much for taking your time to comment I wish you peace and strength too <3

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to LynnSalv]

Like I mentioned, it’s a daily job. Working on myself and, at the same time, accepting myself is a balancing act. I can’t do it alone. I have a very strong support network, who help keep me stable. They know me and will call me on my stuff if I get unbalanced. Lovingly.

My daily goal (besides not drinking) is to be as comfortable in my own skin as possible. Running away from myself is useless. And dangerous for me.

I try to accept what I find while taking my inventory and loving myself anyway. It works if I work it.

[Dani0431]

I don’t think a self-centered person would have even replied to me, but ok :). Most people on here are talking about their own life and their own story…. I guess I just don’t think you should be down on yourself for wanting to be heard. How long have you been using this site? I’m just curious because I’m new here. I signed up last year but just started using it now.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Dani0431]

Welcome. I’ve been here for at least four years. I didn’t say I was pathological or narcissistic. Just overly attuned to me. I want what I want, when I want it. And I want you to do what I want you to do, when I want you to do it. And if those needs were met, I would be happy. Lol. My expectations get me into trouble all the time.

[fauxartist in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Funny how disappointed we can get when all that doesn't work out...and ego is a huge part of our disease...turning it over and realizing we have control over nothing is a rude awakening in sobriety. Learning to live and let live and that not everyone appreciates our advice is eyeopening. With all the big brains and worldly knowledge...the smartest thing I ever did was park the ego at the door and shut my mouth and listen....that was hard to do at first because most drunks think they know it all...until they realized that's what kept them drinking.

[Agamemnon2022]

Relationships are hard in general. You are brave to share your pain and frustration. I know sometimes that situations seem bleak at times but I hope you keep trying. It's easy to give up in these circumstances. Finding the right person is hard. Constantly rebuilding your self-esteem time and time again is brutal. You are understood by so many on here. Keep fighting and pursuing what you want.

[LynnSalv in reply to Agamemnon2022]

Thank you so much for the kind words, man I tried to drown the feelings today by exercise, making food and studying. It is helping to get myself in track again.

[Dani0431]

You say your favorite subject is you but is that true or does therapy just make it seem that way? You don’t love books or shows or something?

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Dani0431]

Of course I like to pay attention to people, places and things outside myself. I would be locked up if I went down the rabbit hole of self centeredness. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to balance my attention.

[012703060610]

There is nothing more difficult than trying to put a front up all of the time. I spent my entire career being extroverted when I am actually more introverted. I also can relate to people learning that we may have some mental health struggles. My family down right doesn't believe in any mental health as an issue. However, I have found the people that I can trust with my thoughts and emotions and who can be supportive. It isn't a long list, but a treasured list for sure. These are the people that I can go to and be my true self. I don't want to say all of my other relationships are fake, but I have to modify myself a bit to be in that relationship. Certainly if it is toxic though, I move on quickly. It has taken me years to figure out why toxic people are drawn to me or vice versa....but now I know the signs and am vey selective about who I let into my world. I very much relate to "I'm so tired of myself." There are certainly days I cannot stand myself, which are usually on the down days.

[LynnSalv in reply to 012703060610]

I have been pushing myself with social relationships when I am more introverted myself, but it is something I am willing to do to stop my relationships from going down the drain anymore.

And having those friends who you can be yourself around is what I strive for. My social circle in college are supportive and do understand my struggles to a certain degree (they don´t know I have dysthymia), but sometimes I can feel they are uncomfortable or annoyed. The balance would be friends who support us but that we aren´t such a burden on them, at least is what I think. Actually, one of my dreams is to one day have a "family", not a blood one, but a bond one. A family with bonds that go beyond blood, where people can feel accepted and safe to express themselves and one in which people care for each other. Something like friends on esteroids haha if I live long enough I would love that.

Thank you for your kind words, it surely helps <3