I need help ..

[Pheebs93]

Hello everyone.

I'm in so much despair, I don't know what to do with myself.

I've been experiencing anxiety, panic attacks and depression since October.

Recently it's unbearable, I can't eat, sleep, I can't hold a conversation, I feel so stuck.

I've been obsessing about not getting better, it's causing me so much despair.

Today I went to sleep ad had a awful dream, a dream about my grandparents who have unfortunately passed. In my dream I felt this horrific darkness that I could not go on. I've spent most of the day in utter despair, I tried to have another nap as I'm so exhausted but I was barely asleep for a couple of minutes and I woke up with a horrific panic attack, my brain felt like it was vibrating, the fear of feeling like this forever was prominent 😢 and suicidal idealation set in 😢.

I'm taking citalopram 20mg which I've been taking for years, but it is not working. I'm due to switch from citalopram to escitalopram tomorrow, and I pray it will work or atleast help me function. I've been having CBT since January, where I noticed some small improvements, I was still depressed but managing. I started antidepressant called venlafaxine, I was only on it a few days as the side effect were horrendous.

This however is so severe depression, I feel completely in despair, I can't concentrate on the TV, read a book or listen to music, I am in so much pain and I just want it to stop.

Please help, lots of love jade.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

I’m sorry for your struggles. Keep coming back. You’re not alone.

[Pheebs93 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Thank you lilyannepuppy x

[Starrlight]

I’ve been there with waking almost immediately with panic, and all the rest. I’m in a better place, not easy, but much better… what I’m trying to say is it does get better. Keep reaching out. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Pheebs93 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you starrlight, can I ask what helped you? I'm at my wits end 😢 xx

[Starrlight in reply to Pheebs93]

I don’t know. Maybe it’s a combination of things. Maybe the right meds plus I think I’m better now that I give less attention to the things that trigger me when I worried about them. I say “less attention” and go on to another thought. I practice acceptance. Meditate and exercise every day. I get out in the sun. I try to trust the process and go with the flow instead of trying to control things. I remind myself that a lot of the stuff I panic over wont matter 5 years from now which gives perspective. I try to take things slower. Hope something here helps you. Hang in there.

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Starrlight]

That's good points I meditate everyday too and it helps me loads it helps me not to attach to pain but to continue in some kind of flow , passing through gates. I hope everyone gets help they need Amen

[Pheebs93 in reply to Vasiliki99]

Vasiliki99 thank you so much for your advice, any advice for when your mind is racing and can't focus on meditation x

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Pheebs93]

Not really it's best to mess in you tube and find stuff that calms I maybe even film trailers or musicians u like to find or classical music or Dakshini stuff that meditation music it's not a cop out don't have to the vipassana all the time or the yoga yoga I just listen to the video sometimes change language to French or Greek Spanish or Arabic or African languages just for change I think it's all meditation

[Pheebs93 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you so much Starlight, meditation is usually my go too, but in in such a chronic state I find it hard to focus on meditation. I am now trying new medicine after the ones I've taken for years have pooped out on me. I'm only on day 3 but remaining hopeful they will take the edge off so I can focus on these calming practices. Thank you so much, did you suffer with all of the things I said on the original post? It sometimes feels like I'm the only one even though rationally I know I'm not xx

[Starrlight in reply to Pheebs93]

You’re not the only one. Many here have what you do. I had deep depression years ago and more recently panic attacks and now anxiety. I hope your new med works for you. I’m rooting for ya! ((((((((((Hug))))))))))))

[Starrlight in reply to Pheebs93]

p.s. let’s not forget to take it one thing one day at a time. We can’t do it all at once.

[Against_the_current]

Hey Pheebs, reminds me of Friends Phoebe, such a sunshine character. I feel you. I can see i noted some things. I think you have deeper trauma stuck. Especially when you said you didn't start the meds when this episode happened but years ago. Also i experience this myself and it's a result of unworked trauma. Cbt is really good for GAD and depression but sometimes doesn't dig well enough and focuses on fast relief. Which isn't a bad thing, especially trying to make it through the day but this type of symptoms shows something unresolved. Also depressive episodes. Do you have seasonal depression? Remember to take walks on the sun, vitamins (C,D,B especially) and magnesium and iron and ask your therapist to dig deeper (can hurt). I understand you well. I had a traumatic event 3 years ago and can't function. I am a psychology grad student, can really help people with mental illness and want to but i can't sit down and study for the final exam even if my life depended on it (and it does), i can't stabilize myself and i can't use everyday psychology. I just feel so worthless. You're not alone

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Against_the_current]

Maybe it's trauma stuck or it's like chronic fatigue? It can be good to do some meditation, to be patient with yourself , facing facts and facts potentially releases you, sometimes I watch videos about African people as they seem stronger and accepting but it may not work for anyone else , believe you are good enough, you are worth it feel confirmed even if in pain your soul can also hook to other souls to help you I don't know o struggle a lot tiredness exhaustion and general shocks at it all but we are like Bible says only sinners which is kind of liberating

[Against_the_current in reply to Vasiliki99]

Yeah, i feel like it's stuck trauma and cronic fatigue. Thanks

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Against_the_current]

Yes it is difficult chronic inic fatigue I'm constantly Hungary but can't eat because I can't digest it. I feel shattered my teeth and mouth r stinging there's no happiness and I'm hit and cold and my immune system low. But I enjoy reading gardening my cat , I find bereavement knocks me terribly and I wish I could save people on the other side I feel they are stuck in pain and in suffering and in patterns they can't break free of even on the other side maybe desperate for love acknowledgement. It's sad and it's lonely. But I suppose it's just another day and I sort of manage comparatively to others and I sort of feel sad but true not to feel overwhelmed and then I feel happy again but then I don't know if that's right either. As the Buddha say Anicca Anicca everything is always changing....on the other hand God brings me some sense of purity in suffering and some sense of release after all it's just such a broken person in a broken world it's not easy I guess for anything in such a state with so little support this broken world has caused in supportive families and has caused a lack of love kindness acknowledgement of one another and a lack of ability to cope with this plus fear isolation and violence it's a very much a world that needed healing n yet even God can't heal or can it ? I don't know , just go with it tolerantly enough as can do , if I cud change for us , guys , I would I promise I would , I don't know how and surely we must all it ourselves or maybe we can't it feels like I'm trapped I'm having a bad day

[Starrlight in reply to Vasiliki99]

I’m sorry things are hard for so many. It can be a hard life but in it we can carve out a little peace or a little joy and it’s real and we should try to recall the good days but I know it can seem almost like we are different people on those bad times. After every difficulty comes ease .

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks it's true that after difficulty comes ease , I wonder if we just could alleviate it all we would but we can't do we need to know the difference between the things we can change and things we cannot change ....and it's so true that er are a different person at different times a bit if help n kindness n even just accepting whatever emotion I have helps , thanks for your response.........

[Starrlight in reply to Vasiliki99]

I find that hard- how do you accept and not resist the emotion?

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Starrlight]

Not eating much helps and catching yourself so there's space around it , we r just sinners my parents used to say to me xxxxx

[Against_the_current in reply to Vasiliki99]

Same struggles. Just that i don't find help and joy in everything. I just numb myself on my phone but who can judge me - i don't have space and money for hobbies and pets. I used to have plants but now i don't even have a balcony

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Against_the_current]

Plants help because they give oxygen take your mind into different feeling. Relieve my desperation although it all comes back again and I suppose it just is a painful world and we just love and then die and there's nothing to worry about that's what I believe don't worry don't worry this thing to say to yourself ignore everyone and maybe my meditations save me in that I can see more from the meditations and that makes me tolerant unexpectant. And I'm allowed to have disatisfaction pain misery anger desperate and feel unnourished

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Against_the_current]

It's such a struggle of a paradigm this world is just shit xxxxx

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Vasiliki99]

Hope people like the richness

Colour in shocking days

[Against_the_current in reply to Vasiliki99]

Thank you. Beautiful words and beautiful flowers

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Against_the_current]

I hope you feel better I hope that we learn from being in the stickiness n that one day it's like our stories were for something we're worth something and we get liberated or just free from desperation but with physical disease n others stressing u n a world of hostilities it's tough !!!

[Vasiliki99]

Bad dreams r really difficult to handle really really sorry since they have passed also I would write to them or just talk to them in your head and say whatever you feel you need to my friend did constellation work which goes I to the depth of the family patterns , and Landmark Forum. Also massage can talk to holistic health practitioners but of course it costs

[Blue_81]

Sorry you are going through a bad time. Wish I had an answer for you. Medication usually helps out. I noticed that walking for long periods of time helps me deal with my things. I also have a hard time watching tv or listening to music. Reach out as many times as you need.

[Montana136]

Hang in there jade. I have also suffered from severe episodic depression and generalized anxiety. In October I couldn't even get off the couch or sometimes even out of bed. All I did was lay in front of the TV I could not even pay attention to the TV my mind was so consumed with thoughts. Negative thoughts what am I going to do with thoughts why is this happening again thoughts I want to die thoughts. I began to talk to myself in a more healthy way as often as I could which really was not very often in a day. I did start by telling myself that action is the only thing that's going to get me moving. I started thinking about a small something to do or clean or put away around my house. Literally 5 minutes of work before I was sitting back in front of the TV not paying attention. But I kept talking to myself I kept saying nice things to myself like I've been better before I can do it again this is temporary this happens to me often and I do get out of it. Sometimes I just tell myself I love you and I I will be here for you. This has been going on for decades for me. I write letters I write letters because I can sit at a table with a pen and a piece of paper and free write. I just write whatever comes to my mind doesn't always make sense but I think in this exercise your subconscious May reveal itself in a statement you write down. I wrote letters to myself about feeling depressed all the time, feeling lazy which is not an appropriate word but that's how I felt, I write things that made me angry things I thought about myself that made me angry I guess in doing this activity it's sort of gets some of the emotion out of your body. Sometimes I would burn the papers and sometimes if they had valuable pieces of information I would save them or put them away. I wrote letters to never send, I wrote them to my mother I wrote them to myself and I wrote them to my daughter. I cussed I yelled I said things that I would never say to their faces. This was just raw me and I'm the only one going to read it so it was a safe activity. If your papers or letters will be read by others or found by others I recommending burning them or tearing them apart and trashing them. By doing this I was able to get pain out of my head. Some of the thoughts still repeat themselves but a lot of the thoughts of despair have settled down or gone away. This exercise is a little bit different than journaling. Anyway ultimately I just kept trying to get out of bed or off the couch to do something anything clean straighten dust. I hope this might help you. Also when I'm in a very deep state of anxiety I do deep controlled slow breathing. That is my go-to for high anxiety. I also tell myself and give myself permission to let the thoughts pass through they are just thoughts and they are not always accurate thoughts. The mind is its own beast sometimes the more you resist the more it persists. Take care of yourself move slow take baby steps keep posting and do respond to others it does help to help someone in their moment of need. Be well

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Montana136]

Hi there , it's very good advice, I have also told myself to hang in there and that I love you myself and have gotten through things look Jen it before . So I know what u r saying. Encouragement n small amounts helps. It's good advice , writing letters n burning then helps. Thanking people helps too n bei g realistic about my possibilities, interesting response .

[Vasiliki99 in reply to Montana136]

This is very pure thing to do, I have also found self saying I love you stay calm I know you you have gotten through it before things feel overwhelming but then they change xxxx thanks reminding me