I’ve struggled with being authentic in a lot of group situations as I am generally shy around certain people (authority figures, alpha personalities, loud people 😅). Still not entirely sure if it is social anxiety or avoidant personality disorder.
I’m in my 40s and despite trying out several techniques and interventions I am now leaning more (through practising meditations) to just accept that it’s a part of me that cannot be ‘cured’. Because the more I try and get rid of it the more it bothers me (what you resists persists!).
I hope acceptance will help better manage the symptoms so I can focus more on enjoying the company of others 🤞🏽I’m struggling however to see how I can do this in the moment.
I’m curious to know if anyone has ever been ‘cured’ of social anxiety or is the letting it be and learning to live with it a more effective approach? What’s worked for you?
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Bekindtoyourmind
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Hi, I can't say I've been cured of my social anxiety. I am definitely in the same boat or ship or passenger plane as you in group situations and around the same types of people as you that you have described. I used to be incredibly shy when younger, not painfully so, but incredibly so that I can it would prevent me from going to places asked to go/had to go/needed to go/wanted desperately to go. It caused me a lot of tears, upset, deep feelings of loss, loneliness, exclusion and so on, I felt incredibly ill at ease, anxious and abnormal and dopey too, a clutz around certain people, not like them, and they saw it, it left me open to bullying, being verbally abused/even physically attacked by those types you have mentioned. Nothing cured me, I just matured and whilst still not cured with maturity my attitude changed of actual loathing/hate towards those types you mentioned and others similar.To the point of me developing a don't give a 💩 attitude, that I am human too, can go where I want, do almost what I want to do within reason and that nobody regardless of how they personally are should leave me feeling so socially awkward and filled with social anxiety. I have found people I am extremely comfortable with (they are few and rare) they accept me for me, they understand and have their own social issues individually, we do things together in two's, as two's we join groups and do other things, we have each others backs, and encourage each other and we ignore, block out those whom make our social anxiety worse, but we do not leave because of those types or not do as we want to do because of those types causing us social anxiety. I personally look at those types as clowns, show offs, egotists, attention seekers, immature individuals whom think themselves something special so often. I am wherever I am for me, not for them, and will not allow their behaviour in any way (directed at me/directed at us or not directed at me/at us) to prevent or ruin or stop or make me feel uncomfortable to the point of not doing what I/we want to do, nor to the point of myself or us (we two the duo) not doing/leaving. I battle it out inside my mind and body and push forwards because us with social anxiety have the same rights and freedoms as those without social anxiety I have come to realise, and even if I or we feel anxiety/anxious/ill at ease/socially awkward/shy/that's no reason not to do the same things as others where those types you mention and others similar will also be. They are mostly definitely not authentic and I/we don't have to be either at those times. I can/we can be authentic around those small few we find ourselves most at ease with. It is learning to understand that overcoming (not curing) social anxiety does involve for everyone a level of acting and not being authentic. It is sad, but is how people are, they put on a facade and some are much better at doing thrt/wearing that than others, so it is about self belief and practice practice practice. Humans in general all wear masks, are not genuine or authentic fully or their true selves when around others. It is learning to get out there and do things and mingle is like being an actress/actor in the biggest ongoing movie ever. We want to be authentic, genuine, but look around at others, nobody is fully. Find a friend/an allie you do feel most socially comfortable with and join together as a force, and that then when alone gives a boost for those settings and people that cause us social anxiety. Also joining a support group helps, as does joing acting/drama groups and practicing at home speaking out loud as if to an audience. Using own voice firmly and yes to some extent not giving a hoot about those certain types/certain situations by being with/in/amongst but ignoring them, blocking them out/making them invisible. There only for self, and if it means fake smiles and fake interest/fake confidence/fake laughter then so be it. And it doesn't matter if we are seen through and our social anxiety and struggles of being authentic are picked up on, because guaranteed those who pick up on those things are in the same boat/ship themselves to be able to see us, but they wear their mask/facade better than ourselves to hide their social anxiety and struggles with not being authentic. If we get to do the things in life we want to do, then we are being authentic to ourselves and those most closet to us. The rest out there don't matter, and sometimes we just can't be authentic with even those closest to us. As long as we are authentic to ourselves within, that is what matters the most. And always remember we can't please everyone in and we will not always fit in, but it doesn't matter at the end of the day because life is one big continuous unauthentic socially awkward hidden movie ongoing. Those alpha's are wearing masks they rarely ever let down in front of anyone. Watch people closely from a distance and you see a pattern of behaviour and a path. I have learnt to weave around in that path. It is very visible if you truly look from up somewhere high, just watch closely and you will find a path. One that is more comfortable for you. And breathe!!!! xx
I meant to add that I too am in my 40's, and I do still have social anxiety. I am still shy, and also battle depression, but have learnt being authentic and beating self up for struggling with being authentic or for not being authentic is pointless, we find methods that help us move in life, and people are not authentic, and not so to protect themselves because of their own social anxieties/anxiety that some authentically hide exceptionally well and better than others.
I care not a hoot that you found it long winded. I battled through expected death, and the result now of that is that I can't take short cuts to appease others impatience of the long winded ones not deliberately being/doing so. Go read a novel from the 1800's, those are long winded. And yes thanks for the (well said) despite your insult of long winded you felt oh so necessary to knock me down with added to that, and for what? To build yourself up somehow from that unnecessary dig/comment as if you believe I were unaware? And what that I needed your unnecessary reminder? Have a lovely rest of your day ahead.
I feel like I have somewhat similar issues. I don’t know if I can be cured but I think I have improved somewhat.
I have come to believe that I really can do better with social anxiety but also that it is a part of my personality.
I guess what I’m trying to say in my clunky way is that I know I can better manage the issue and mustn’t give up but should never beat myself up for struggling with it.
I had social anxiety for years and I think you are on the right track about accepting and allowing it. Social anxiety stems from learning and believing things about yourself that aren't true and your perception of how people see you and how you see others is distorted. You may have had instances of being called out or bullied or some other kind of event when you were young and now you think everyone is hyperfocused on you all the time. The reality is that they are not and are too caught up in their own lives. You may also be suffering from shame and low-self-worth and have difficulty validating yourself so learning how to increase that for yourself can help. There is a lot of good info on youtube about it.
What helped me was realizing that people really did like me at work and enjoy my company and how wrong my perceptions were. I also found a therapist that specialized in healing trauma/c-ptsd and worked through my shame and false beliefs. He used emdr therapy which helped release my stored trauma emotions. I then started doing exposure therapy on my own by going to big-box stores and leaning into my anxious feelings and trying to even increase them and tolerate them. I even started asking goofy questions and wearing weird clothes, anything that would have embarrassed me in the past. It all helped.
I also found the DARE Anxiety book and youtube videos helpful for learning what anxiety really is and how to constructively deal with it by accepting and allowing it. It's also a good refresher book in the event of a setback. There is also a good youtube channel from Sebastiaan at Social Anxiety Solutions that is helpful, he advocates using the EFT technique for allowing, accepting and releasing the strong emotions from the fight flight freeze response. I have done emdr but not EFT but it makes a lot of sense because one of the difficult things about SA is that our fight flight freeze response happens so fast, learning and knowing how to release it so you no longer fear it makes sense.
Hello, Just realizing, although it seems painfully obvious looking back, that there has never been a time in my 52 years when I wasn't avoiding difficult situations (school, social gatherings, sharing in general, etc.) Personally, I think you're on the right track thinking about managing it rather than "curing". I don't know that there is such a thing as a cure either, but I do think that management could definitely make things easier to cope with. In the past I used to feel a sense of accomplishment when I did something I would usually avoid, but lately I just end up feeling worse for trying. I think this is because I have grown very accustomed to the "safety" of solitude, which is a sign to me that I need to try some new things. Starting slow. Will try attending a weekly get-together next week, which causes me anxiety but is something I know I can cope with. I'm going to try to be very mindful of the feelings I experience, almost like an experiment, so I can take my emotions out of it a bit. Thanks for sharing and making me feel comfortable to share as well.
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