A nightmarish journey

[northwoodboy]

I am feeling pretty desperate, staring at my computer screen at work or lying motionless in my apt reading or watching movies to try not to obsess about my depression. My anti-depressants stopped working and I have weaned off them after 20 plus years with the goal of trying psilocybin. I am struggling more or less every day with increasing suicidal ideation something I had always rejected outright because I have 4 daughters 22-26 and it seemed such an incredibly selfish thing to do. I am worn out, I am trying multiple initiatives Mood Fit app, affirmations, exercise, therapy but feel like I am stuck with no expectation that life will ever improve despite awareness that my thoughts are largely irrational and are catastrophized.

I have no friends in my area other than my ex-girlfriend who is trying to help. My daughters know I have depression but i don't want to scare them with my thoughts of suicide. I wanted to try this resource to maybe have some additional engagement.

[Rabajo]

Dealing with some of that too. I have been online reading about and taking B6 and amino acids and other vitamins and supplements to increase neurotransmitters. Learned a lot and has helped some.

[Weatherwoman in reply to Rabajo]

Hum B6, and amino acids, and other vits. --need to look into that. Thx.

[Mother1t]

I had good experience of magic m's as a youngster and micro dosing is very widely upheld of late but I am not ashamed to say that over the years it is using a varied regimen of nootropics that have kept me from going off the rails and actually of late I rely more heavily on a mix of amino acids as stims including guarana, caffeine, nutmeg, taurine, L-cysteine, TMG, DMAE plus choline and L-tyrosine generally available in various mixes or separate . Properly strong coffee is a daily pick me up of course but never use instant. I have used modafinil to good effect but not allowed to recommend of course but combos of all these things not forgetting various B vits and evening primrose oil is really good for motivation plus lecithin also.Further to that I also recently have been using lithium orotate at 10mg seems good. Of course you cannot take everything at once but it can be done either it goes with the coffee or a drinky mix of lemon juice, honey , cyder vinegar etc.Either way best be doing something to help even if it involves throwing money at the kitchen sink ( ;

[Soulfire8]

Hi northwoodboy. I empathize with what you are going through. A lot of my days can/have felt like this. The things that seem to help, are things that I tried before (and failed). Going back to those things, and having them just click seems to help. That means exercise (which I hate). Walking mostly as the doc says heavy lifting (which I like) is a no no for now). Lots of chlorophyll (which I find gross), magnesium glycinate (also gross), taurine, and something wegmans calls "anxiety soother). A sunlight lamp (miroco). These things seem to "trick" my mind and make it calm so I can actually feel motivated to go do stuff. I used to sit around and try to think my way out of feeling low, but the best thing you can do is to let nature give you a lift; and then journey from there. Also weirdly enough getting a dog helped. Having a wellness buddy who won't let you get down in the dumps, who you know is counting on you, and loves you no matter what really helps. Hope your mood pics up. I will be rooting for you. You got this.

[Hidden]

I hear you. I’m not working and I know I’ve been doing too much lying around and my mind’s getting too foggy, time for me to get some more exercise and be doing more. My Mom who gets very depressed herself has a special light lamp and she swears that helps her. I’m in the process of searching out some groups on meetup. com to try to get out and have more of a social life, you might want to look that up as a resource as well for where you live, they do have groups for older people. I think I might get one of those crossword puzzle books too. Some stuff to be using my mind, try to stay away from possibly getting dementia or Alzheimer’s. I really don’t watch too much on television anymore apart from sometimes watching CNN or maybe a movie that looks interesting. Sometimes I get into some stuff on YouTube but I get tired of all that too.