Longing for a New Begining

[ReinventMe2019]

I'm new to this but I needed to get my thoughts out in hopes I would find a way to get the year off to a better start than 2018 was. I have been out of work, for six months, estranged from my daughters and raising one alone. Day to day I can't help but try to replay what went wrong. I ask myself you sacrifice everything for your kids and now you are without them. How do you rise from that? I just need something to get me back on track, anyone out there finding it hard to get back on track?

[Hidden]

It is hard to get back on track in life, sometimes you can’t go back at all and have to find a new way. What worked for me- therapy, Codependents Anonymous meetings, Celebrate Recovery meetings, daily walks, prayer, Lexapro, journaling, career change, taking life one day at a time.

[ReinventMe2019 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you lynnalice, I have taken up one of your suggestions and for the first time started to journal my journey. It's a big step for me, considering I haven't allowed myself to open up those wounds in over nine years. I made a good decision to join this group. I hope I can inspire others to take that first step the way you have inspired me. Be Blessed.

[Hidden in reply to ReinventMe2019]

I started my journey with journaling... after 9 years you have a lot to say and it’s going to bring up things that will be painful, just keep doing it and letting it all out. I’m just glad I was able to help in some way.

[Mullinax18666]

I was a very motivated and energetic person before I got a double whammy. I can't plan a simple dinner with my family because I don't know how I will feel.I started making myself accomplishing small goals it gives me a sense of accomplishment.

[Hidden]

Hey, welcome aboard, I just joined yesterday actually and I want to express this is a great place to share and see that what you go through daily isn't a lonely journey until the end. First and foremost, congratulate yourself. You came for support on your own and that's a massive step forward, especially telling your story. Since I work in the railroad industry, I can make some pretty good connections between getting back on a track and personal goals...you have to start small. Every day presents an opportunity to get pieces together and I think, my opinion here, it's a great place to start. Small victories eventually make for a larger personal gain. I obviously am not in your shoes and I can't imagine how difficult it is being estranged from your daughters. What you can do for now is be there for the daughter you have while perhaps you seek counseling for whether you're ready/they're ready to reopen a relationship with your other daughters. Being out of work has to be frustrating, but maybe you can start small by applying for a job or two each day. Put the bait out of there and get some bites. Do you know of anyone who could put together a great resume for you? Sometimes the smallest details can net the biggest wins. Sacrificing yourself is one of the hardest parts I think there is as a parent. Having given yourself away to that for what you feel is lost, that I know has to hurt. You just have to keep hope and see what the future holds with your other daughters for now.

As for getting back on track, maybe a good resource would be to see about a life coach or resources on the web for free counseling. Find your starting point and refuse to let negative thinking send you to the floor. If you fall, you get up, no matter how much it hurts. Set your goals and go for it. I think your story also calls for some compassion and self-love type therapy. They have apps (10% Happier is a fave of mine) and even recordings on YouTube (free) that teach us not to be hard on ourselves. Maybe you made a mistake before, but that was then. We're in the here and now. I hope some of these ideas help. There are tools to get you back on your way. My suggestions for today is to forgive yourself, love yourself, and maybe put a few job applications out. Search for tools like a life coach (or if you aren't in a financial position, free/web/app based coaching). If you can see a counselor, I would absolutely do so for replaying the history in regards to your daughters and what went wrong.

I completely understand the desire to fix everything at once. I'll look at a room and want to dissect it from top to bottom to clean it when all I had to do was straighten it. Start small and don't encumber yourself with huge projects. Set smart and reasonable goals and go achieve them. It's a beaten adage, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Your path probably won't be either (I would say 99.99% of all our paths aren't successfully finished in a day), but wouldn't it be great to start with a few "wins" today? You can do this and if I can even help by just Google searching some tools that sound good, please let me know. Be kind to yourself for now and know you aren't alone.

[ReinventMe2019 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for reaching out. I had a very bad experience with therapists when I was going through the separation of my daughters. I really don't have any faith in them. They took so much from my family over a ten year period. My job was my coping mechanism, and now that it's been gone, I've been forced to lean on my faith more. I have started to journal my feelings and it's helping. I will take all of your advice, and begin to not be so hard on myself. My dad used to be a Pullman Porter on the railroad, I hope you are successful in getting to a comfortable place. I think this type of forum will be a good start. Welcome to the group.

[Hidden]

You bet and thanks as well! I'm sorry to hear about your issues with therapists...and to be honest, I feel how you do with psychiatrists and therapists. It's like the adage...insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Well, I suppose that's me. I did find one good counselor/psychologist who helped guide me through a difficult time in my life and marriage. After things got better and life went back to churning, I stopped seeing her. Knowing how long it takes to get in, I'm just burnt out thinking about calling her. That said, I'd rather wait than go see another person to tell the same old story for the 999,999th time. If it were the millionth, well at least there'd be a milestone attached.

That's good about faith; it really is an excellent place to be. I've tried to feel that faith and religious areas in my life despite being a bit agnostic. It's funny how some who aren't completely sold still pray to themselves or reach out. Kinda says something. I'm glad you found a forum and writing in the journal. It really does take even the smallest pebble off the pressure board we have above us. Soon the boulders fall away and then all is a bit better. Absolutely be kind to yourself, it sounds like you've been hard enough and have enough regret on your plate. I do hope you allow forgiveness as that's the one thing I love about faith and religion: love and forgiveness. You're as human as next and we all make mistakes.

Wow, I actually had to Google Pullman Porter because the term sounded familiar. That had to be interesting job for him. Traveling the railroad and seeing new places and faces.

And thank you, yes, I'm feeling good having this support group and trying not to overload myself. Definitely trying to give myself that break Glad to be apart of the group and have you along. Have a great morning, afternoon, or evening...never know where someone is at time zone wise!