Needing advice: Up until the beginning...

Up until the beginning of the week I'd had trouble getting my thoughts and feelings out in a way that made sense, I started ADHD mediction and it was like a switch flipped in my brain. It was like the voices in my head went silent and I was able to think about things as they came up, and without getting lost in my own head. It also helped me regulate my emotions, and stay calm when things got overwhelming. Aside from just this evening things have been great. My partner and I got into an argument because I voiced my frustration with our children to him (two of our young children hardly slept last night and I was up with both of them until 2:00 am).

Around 10:30 tonight they both started up in much of the same way they had last night. At first I went in and laid them down comforted them and left. But after having gone back and forth because they kept waking each other up multipule times, I got frustrated. I didn't get upset with the kids, or my partner, I simply rubbed my face and sighed before I walked down the hallway. My partner took this as me not being able to deal with the kids, and followed me into their room, where he told one of them to lay down, whilst snapping his fingers at him like you would a dog (before I'd rubbed my face and sighed, he told me to show that same child he was snapping his fingers at and being stern with, some compassion and to rub his back).

I tried to get the other one settled the way I usually do, and it wasn't working. As I set the bottle down to try something else, the baby flung his head back in such a way that his head was hanging off of my arm (just to assure readers the baby is 1 year old and well in contol of his noggin). I was getting ready to resituate him when my partner came towards us and in an accusatory way asked what I was doing, and demanded I hand him the baby. I told him I was fine, that I could take care of him. He insisted I give him the baby, so I did, and left the room.

He came out and said nothing to me.

He forgot to make sure that the cat wasn't in the kids room (she likes to follow us when we get the kids to bed), and got upset with me because I didn't grab her on my way out (which I normally don't do because she usually leaves the room when my partner does). Instead of just letting the cat out, he made a passive aggressive remark on how it would've been helpful of me to take the cat with me when I left.

The situation came to a head when he insisted that I was incapable of caring for our children because I was frustrated (I was frustrated but I wasn't incapable of caring for the kids), and that I was in the wrong, that he did everything right, that I was too sensitive that he wasn't being accusatory when he asked what I was doing, that I was pissing him off etc.

I went to go sleep in the office and he came in to shut his computer off to prevent me from accessing it. I recently found out that he'd been recording our conversations without my knowledge.

Before I started medication it was incredibly difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into words and it would leave me even more frustrated and upset, which turned into more fights between my partner and I. As far as he told me he recorded those sorts of conversations to protect himself (he's accused me of making things up and being emotionally manipulative when I'd break down and cry, he just a few days ago had his mom come over and pick up his weapons because he wanted to ensure that I wouldn't be able to tell people I don't feel safe or that I'm being threatened. Which I never have, no one but his family knows about the relationship issues my partner and I have, to me it seems like he was just doing what he needed to do to make himself look good and me like I'm unhinged),and to listen back to so he could remember what we'd talked about. He also told me that looking back on our relationship he probably wasn't ready to be in a relationship when we first got together. Which makes no sense to me because he was the one that pushed me into a relationship with him. He told me that he wanted to have kids with me, that he loved me, that he knew he wanted to marry me, not even 2 months into us dating. I was the one that wanted to take things slow and see where things went. When I brought this up to him he said that he only said those things because everything was new and exciting and he wasn't thinking rationally. Now here we are 5 years and 3 kids later...

And now I can't help but wonder what else he hasn't told me about.

Up until a few weeks ago I had access to his computer and passwords to his accounts, because he gave them to me so I could look at his schedule and make sure I didn't schedule any appointments on days he was busy.

I never looked at his personal things (social media, notes, messages photos etc).

I checked his schedule and used the internet when I needed to, and that's it.

I also had access to his phone. I never looked at anything on his phone, because I didn't need/want to. He has an iPhone and it used to be set so you could unlock it with facial recognition or a digit code (which I knew), after he told me that he'd been recording me, I went to look at his phone while he was asleep (I know, bad on my part), and he changed it so facial recognition is the only way to unlock it.

3 weeks ago we discussed potentially dissolving our relationship, and he informed me that if that was what I wanted to do that I'd have to figure out everything on my own (which is fine), he would sell the car that I use (both of the cars are in his name since I'm unable to get a loan due to not having any credit history), that I wasn't to sell any gifts he'd gotten for me, and if I did the money had to go to him, that my son and I had to move out (even though he has a better chance of finding his own place because he has a job and good credit), that he would put our kids in daycare so that way he could go to work (I'd previously wanted to work to make my own money and he told me that he would be sleeping with the woman that was caring for our kids, since I would rather work than fulfill my wifely duties),that any where I applied to work that I was to ensure my schedule was set in such a way that it worked around his scheulde because of the kids (so I could take them when he couldn't), he took my bank cards from me so I wouldn't have access to money (telling me he would buy me and my son the bare necessities because he couldn't trust that I wouldn't spend all of his money because I spent one night at a hotel with my son to get some space between my partner and I after a particularly nasty fight. FYI the bank accounts are joint accounts in both his and my name, when we started having children our agreement was I be a sahm and I had access to the money he makes which he called our money since my job was to take care of our kids).

Essentially if I chose to leave him, I would loose everything, my kids included. And he would ensure that he got full custody.

Knowing that he'd been recording me when I was vulnerable, frustrated, and angry makes me think that he was doing this in an effort to paint me as an unfit parent (which I'm not, my children are well loved, well fed and our home is clean and organized). It also makes me feel like I can't voice when I'm frustrated or upset because I don't know if I'm being recorded and that those recordings will be used against me.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm being backed into a corner where I bottle my emotions up and never let any negative emotions show or I lose my kids, my place of living, etc.

Me being medicated to help me with my ADHD doesn't mean I don't get frustrated or upset, I'm still just a person that deserves understanding and compassion.