Im currently in a situation that’s giving me anxiety. I would like some of your opinions on whether you think this guy is stringing me along or simply just taking things slow.
I’ve been seeing a guy and we’ve been on three dates so far. We text daily and he is the one who initiates the dates. He’s also a huge gentleman. He says that he’s looking for something serious - a relationship that will lead to marriage and kids. I feel the same for myself.
However, when I asked him about “us” on the third date, he says that our age difference is a bit of a red flag for him since I’m still finishing university while he wants to settle down. So I asked him to clarify and he said that while he’s not pursuing any other women NOW, he might go on a date if one catches his interest. I term this “keeping his options open”.
He says that he’s uncomfortable being exclusive right now since we’ve only been on a few dates.
Question 1) Do you think he’s being reasonable? Or making excuses?
Question 2) His birthday is coming up as well. What does it mean if he doesn’t invite me?
Question 3) He has a work trip but he went a few days earlier than needed (two days before his coworkers). Is it because he wants to meet girls there?
1) I understand why he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship after 3 dates. I wouldn’t say he was ‘stringing you along’ as he is being very open about it. I’d say it sounds like he is seeing this purely as a casual thing at the moment - something that made lead further or could fizzle out.
However, that doesn’t mean it’s ‘ok’ - depends whether you can live with that uncertainty. Personally, I don’t think I’d be able to, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t or that it’s ‘wrong’. What would be ‘wrong’ would be for him to make you feel like you and he were in a relationship and then see someone else at the same time. He would need to be honest with you if he met someone else. I also would say don’t see it as a reflection on you, because it isn’t.
2) At the moment, you don’t know whether he will or won’t invite you. Try not to think too much about that for now until you know whether he does or doesn’t.
3) Have you asked him why he went earlier?
It sounds like he’s made you feel uncomfortable and now you’re (possibly) overanalysing every situation. Maybe you need to be honest with him, tell him how you feel whilst explaining that, although you don’t necessarily consider yourself in a serious relationship at the moment, you’re finding it hard knowing that he might ‘drop you’ to go out with someone else.
I can understand why this situation would cause someone anxiety. Think about what is best for you. At the moment it sounds like he is in control, if he really likes you, he might reconsider his attitude if he understands how you feel.
Thanks for your reply! I think you’re right. He’s 33M and I’m 23M. He says that he’s been in two very long relationships (5 and 2 years), and wants to be sure about the next one because he doesn’t want to break up again.
1) i also feel the same way you do. but i asked him if he sees this as something casual and he always says no, that he wants something serious, but is uncomfortable being in a relationship with me right now.
i think he is quite honest as a person, but maybe that he doesn’t know what he wants?
3) i didn’t ask because i didn’t want to come off as being anxious or jealous. i’m really trying hard to be more laid back and go with the flow.
Also, what are some ways that I can gain control back?
Being open about how you feel, without worrying what he thinks, will help you regain some control.
You can’t control his response but if he really likes you, he will respond positively. That way you’ll have a 2-way relationship that works for both of you and is about what you both want/need. If you have an open chat and it’s not going to work between you, you can amicably go your separate ways but at least it will save weeks/months of anxiety trying to please him.
Great reply EleanorRose. x
I was thinking the same thing...