I want to want.

[Orneb]

My therapist transitioned me from thinking of myself as a conscious layer on top of a subconscious layer on top of an unconscious layer to instead thinking of myself as having different parts. And this way of thinking helps me understand myself better than the old way. But sometimes it fails to explain the more complicated things.

I want to want.

I currently don’t want anything. I’m not happy, but I don’t want anything specific to be different. I know that some stuff SHOULD be different, but I don’t want it. I feel like ambition, goals, wanting things is a large part of what makes us human. And I don’t have it. I’m in a sorry state. I’m unemployed, out of school, and unhappy. I don’t feel like anything is rewarding to do. I don’t want this to be the case.

I want to want.

I feel like the only thing that will make you want to change your circumstances is forces. There are pulling forces and pushing forces. Pulling forces are the metaphorical carrots. They make you want to move by promising reward stimuli. Pushing forces are uncomfortable. They make you want to change your circumstances by making you dislike your current position.

I know I have these forces in my life. Both pulling and pushing. But I’m not moved by them. They aren’t strong enough.

Or maybe I’m just too heavy.

I want to want.

If I wanted things, things would be different. I’d have the drive to cause change. I would push myself and have goals and have a reason to get out of bed.

I’m so tired of being stagnant. I’m more tired with being ok with stagnation.

I just want to want something.

[Agora1]

Hi again Orneb, your writing always fascinates me. I can tell you have had therapy

and it is working on your thinking. Maybe not motivation yet but at least you understand

the concept of what's behind your stagnation.

When I was 19, I didn't have a clue as to what I wanted to do in life or where I was going.

At that age, most of us have been raised by our parents/guardians, went to school and had

others paying our way. All of the sudden, we are like young birds being pushed out of the

nest. Some of us are not ready to fly yet and so we stay stagnate.

I agree that you need that reason to get out of bed every day. You "want to want" but

sometimes we need that outer push from someone who has been there and done that.

What about joining the Military. No better way then to get out of a rut, learn responsibility

and get an education. Grow and mature. You have time to figure out what you want in life.

Meanwhile you will be taken care of and have a roof over your head, food and be with men

your own age. It's just a thought that may get you going in the right direction.

My son was in the Air Force, my nephew in the Marines. I saw the difference in both men

when they got out and it was a positive step. Staying where you are at right now, takes

you no where except maybe down the wrong road. I wish you the best because I care xx

[Hidden]

The title of your post piqued my curiosity. I read your post, and I was like, 'Whoa.' Then I read your other posts. I'd like to describe your writing as an amalgamation of works by Salinger and Dostoevsky. Your voice is quite unique and wise for such a young age. I truly mean that as a compliment.At this point in my life, I've come to realize that goals are overrated. My so-called 'plan' these days is what I'd call 'whatever happens, happens plan'. You have a whole life ahead of you. Try experiencing everything you can (within safety and care of course) and meet as many folks from diff walks of life as you can. Read as many books from diff points of view, cultures, neurodiversity, classics, contemporary, etc. You don't need to wait to be inspired or motivated to do things. You don't need to 'want to want'.... And most importantly, keep writing. Write everyday. I'd like to read more of your stories. And someday maybe read your novel.

I'm going to leave you with this, and I hope it helps in some capacity, however small:

'There is no greater sin than desire,

No greater curse than discontent,

No greater misfortune than wanting

something for oneself.

Therefore, he who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.'

--Lao Tsu

[peacefulandcalm]

hi Orneb, you are a good writer.

Is that your cat in the photo? adorable!

Sometimes I don't feel like getting out of bed if I am in pain, emotionally or physically and my cats need feeding, so I have to....

if you are having depression, this could explain why you don't feel wants...

I have not read your posts, are you on any anti depressant? seeing a therapist?

These two things can help a lot to get one out of that feeling of lethargy in my experience.

Just to have support too, guidance can help to start to feel a bit more alive and then slowly, you can regain some feelings of what you like and want to do, I think.

You deserve to feel vibrant and alive, you are young and have tons of opportunities, be kind to yourself no matter what....

<3

[Abadar]

It is a great improvmet that you now want something (want to want). It is far better than "do not want" or "do not care".The great literary piece that you wrote reflects that your therapy has worked well and you are on the road to recovery.

Best wishes