Turning 50 soon & still handling the same triggers, emotions, responsibility & now more.

[endurance1973]

Long time since I've been on this site. So, where to begin? I've buried my Dad, still having trauma issues with memories of the younger me. Mom turning 80 and I'll, does everyone I know have cancer. I'm Angry at Death! I'm blessed to say I'm still here with my 2 20 year old kids. 1 has a job and a license the other is afraid, can you say I've past down this horrible illness of anxiety and depression to my kids! I've gotten remarried to a man who so far has grown into a loving considerate man, but lots of abuse came out first and now all has been learning that words matter ,actions matter and people are fragile. I'm glad we're pulling ourselves together finally!! I'm having trouble in my thoughts that I can't share or say out loud and it's hard at times to be someone's rock, supporter or more to my amazing kids husband family....when inside I know I'm pushing myself to show the love, the peace, the growth, the ill always be here. In my mind it's not very kind, it's sad ,selfish and confusing like I've had to recreate over and over and there's a million personalities in here yet I have learned to master work, home, and marriage traits and lately I'm getting forgetful, tired, and my mind keeps telling me there's a million things to do, pay, give, be done, get in order, and keep fighting keep pushing that's starting to clash with my inner world because on some days I wanna hide, run, disappear, someday I don't wanna adult, pay bills clean be happy-go-lucky, somedays I just wanna sit still and enjoy the things ,ppl, Animal's around me. Watering my plants in the morning makes me happy as tears run down my face, why?? I'm always hiding. I know 1 thing is for sure, I HATE feeling this way, I hate not being able to give or help my kids enough, or just stand up to my husband and say I love you to death but certain things you do or say is killing me inside and even though you know, even though we almost got a divorce you still haven't stopped, you've gotten better but need to just stop. Did yall know I'm in Healthcare and so many of my patients call me a angel, a blessing, and how amazing so much love and attention I give them, yet when I look into the mirror, or come home, or even be around anyone I feel not enough! Wasted time. Wasted money. Wasted talents. I'm at the moment sitting in a parking lot with tears in my eyes writing this and when for my husband to come out his appt for the recovery center so I can help him at work on a side fencing project on my day off because sometimes that's fun too, until bills back up, until bills are late, until food and medical care are in need and I'm stressing and picking up extra shifts... did I say I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs!! I'm just a hurt little confused girl that was taken by surprise by her Dad, then the kids father, now my poor husband battles addiction yet super loving... and all I do is give, help, keep my word, pray, work, use my entire paycheck to stay afloat, miss my entire family that never calls me or comes around to see me overwhelmed by chores and responsibilities, still trying to love and care for my dieing mother and I always say when my mom dies I will then be truly alone!! Will I be strong enough to keep going, keep battling and teaching my husband my kids that it's important to keep fighting for what's right and that they are Loved and worth it and enough.

Yet why can't I do the same for me? So am I selling bullshit that don't work or am I just trying to survive with them. You know there's so many beautiful things in this world, and ppl make it ugly with there hearts words actions. It's really sad how ppl can hurt ppl. I wanna continue to be a healer even if I feel I'm a lost cause, I wanna make ppl believe that it's OK to be loved, to speak the secrets outlook without punishment or afraid of being placed in a nut house. I go back to work tomorrow and Friday and Sunday. 12 hour shifts and I'm in tears everyday hiding. I'm to old to still be dealing with shut like this but at least I'm still here for whoever needs me. That's all I got. I just wish this feeling would go away. I wish I could stop crying. I wish the pain and heartbreak would go away. I wish I could help my kids better, I wish I had more to give them, I wish I could feel how I see ppl look on there faces. I wish , well here comes hubby and my face is red. Guess I'll tell another lie on why the tears. Love yell stay well. Xoxo for all.

[RupertBrown]

God damn. Wish there was something I could say to help you. While there are differences, so much of your post hit close to home with me. We are about the same age and I feel like you do in a lot of ways. You aren't alone. Please stay strong, it's not always easy to see, but all the good you do does matter. Try to go a little easier on yourself. Sending you strength and courage in the meantime.

[Elizabeth830]

I turned 50 last July. It’s no joke. I’m not sure if I’m in a midlife crisis or just been pushed to the limit by husband and parents. We are like in the middle; still caring for parents, children are grown, husband acts like a man-child. It’s a lot! There are a lot of us on here in similar situations.