Tough times/being abused/feel lonely. Support please

Hi,

I'm having a tough time and feeling very lonely. I've been here before, dealing with the same issues. I don't need advice, just support and care.

My husband is repeating the same behaviors—he is being emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He knows about my illnesses (MDD, PTSD, anxiety, and an autoimmune disease called painful bladder syndrome) and the abuse I experienced with my family. He was so supportive back then, a completely different person. For about the past two years of our 13-year marriage, he has been getting angrier and angrier, being nasty to me over really small things. I don't provoke him; I'm just getting through day by day.

My therapist said he has been emotionally abusive since the beginning—it was subtle but still abuse.

He basically tells me I am worthless, accuses me of only being with him for the money and support, and expects a 50/50 marriage while boasting about his ability to have a job and buy our house (when I can't do those things). I wasn't this sick when we met and I was excited to find a job. Things changed. My health changed. He knows I feel horrible about myself and yet he continues to hit below the belt, as though I haven't been through enough.

Anyway, I can't leave, and I am very, very lonely. There is not much more I can take of this. This is on top of having to cut off my mom and my dog passing on April 8. Life has been tough since I was a kid. I am 52 now and I have a lot of suicidal ideation. Please, I need some support and kindness.

[Freedom16]

I just said a prayer for you Posey. I don't know if you believe in prayer, but I do. Please give yourself a big hug and a smile today because you are loved. I love you, God loves you and I know many others love you too.

[Rafibromylygia]

I know you don't want to advice It's hard not to of course we all support you

I'd say leave

It's domestic abuse severe

If in

Uk

Womans aid

Woukd help and house you

Is there no

Organisations in the

Us similar to

Womans aid

Leave him asap

[Hidden in reply to Rafibromylygia]

The US struggles to provide adequate support for people like us, especially those with mental illnesses. We don't receive free medication, financial assistance, or housing, and the solutions offered are often temporary. Without my medication, I endure severe mental and physical pain due to my autoimmune disease. On top of that, managing Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is overwhelming. It often feels like the US doesn't prioritize helping its own people. Calling a helpline doesn't alleviate the sense of abandonment.

I turned to this forum to find support because I need understanding and empathy. I am not trying to dismiss anyone's help, but I know about the available helplines and resources. I'm struggling to function with my depression and PTSD, so I need genuine support and understanding. Things aren't as simple so simple to overcome. Thank you for your concern, and I hope you can understand my situation.

[Hidden in reply to Rafibromylygia]

223-4539The US struggles to provide adequate support for people like us, especially those with mental illnesses. We don't receive free medication, financial assistance, or housing, and the solutions offered are often temporary. Without my medication, I endure severe mental and physical pain due to my autoimmune disease. On top of that, managing Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is overwhelming. It often feels like the US doesn't prioritize helping its own people. Calling a helpline doesn't alleviate the sense of abandonment.I turned to this forum to find support because I need understanding and empathy. I am not trying to dismiss anyone's help, but I know about the available helplines and resources. I'm struggling to function with my depression and PTSD, so I need genuine support and understanding. Things aren't so simple to overcome for some of us. Thank you for your concern, and I hope you can understand my situation.

[JerseyGirl57]

Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about this, it sounds horrendous. I hope you have a close girlfriend who will be supportive and loving. Or maybe a therapist - or both.Is your husband always mean? Or is it off and on? Just wondering what's going on in his life that's turned him into what sounds like an insensitive monster.

I hope you can find moments of joy. My cat makes me smile and my story is pretty rough, too.

Suicidal ideation is obviously serious. Please, please reach out to a therapist or 988 (that's the suicide prevention hotline, at least in CT).

Sending love and support ❤️

[Hidden in reply to JerseyGirl57]

So, I think he's just really angry because I've been getting sicker and sicker, and it's not turning out to be the marriage he thought it would be. On top of that, last year a therapist told him he has dismissive avoidant attachment style. It's exactly what it sounds like - he ignores or dismisses me about most things because he's just not interested in what I think or have to say, and he avoids relationships or anyone who needs him. To me, it's so bad, it should be considered a disorder. He also gets angry over the "small sruff" that most people wouldn't even notice. His work hours have always been the same, even when we were dating - that hasn't changed. But now, instead of taking care of himself or spending time with friends, he'll work his side gig just to avoid me or conflict. He'll work 14 to 15 hour days when he doesn't have to. He chooses to do it, and it's not healthy. It makes him even more irritable.He didn't even try to work on himself when we first went to marriage counseling, before things got this bad. He goes to a therapist for God know why....to feel good about himself? To lie and get a therapist on his side. He hasn't changed one bit. I can't leave, because I need insurance and I am unable to work. I don't have money. I just would not survive mentally. My life just fell apart. I don't have family or friends, and now no husband. * I do not have friends or family, especially when I had to move and start over. It can be hard to make new connections with MDD and PTSD.

[JerseyGirl57 in reply to Hidden]

If he's that bad, maybe start making a plan to leave. I know you don't want advice, I hate other people thinking there's an easy answer (if there were one, you'd have done it) but maybe starting to plan on leaving will make you feel better. No idea what resources exist, but there has to be something. Given how debilitating your condition is, maybe the state could help (my disabled son gets a monthly stipend).

Enough advice. It's terrible that your husband can't or won't see that you need love, that he's beating up on you when you're already so down.

You're not alone. Please don't let him do this to you. He doesn't have the right to control how you feel about yourself. You deserve so much more. XO

[Hidden in reply to JerseyGirl57]

I appreciate that. As you said, it’s not so easy. I’ve gone through too much in my life. Someone with a disability alone usually can’t live on that money. But, again, it’s not so easy without family support. I am alone and unable to function well, especially with all the pressure I am under. I also deal with PTSD. It's hard to be abandoned by my own family and now my husband. I am alone and tired. I just think to myself, God, I’ve lived a lot of life since I was a little girl. I am ready to go, and it would be okay. It would seriously be better than what I've survived through, even as a little girl. I am tired. I do appreciate your kindness and support.

[JerseyGirl57 in reply to Hidden]

I don't want to speak for you, but the aloneness of your situation is striking. It's so hard to feel anything positive (and yes, the smiley faces and quotes and emojis make me want to scream) when you're that low and feel alone in the world. It's like the rest of the world is just going happily along and you want to scream, "Why the fuck is this happening to ME?"

I don't know you, obviously, but no one deserves abuse and illness on top of it. And with an abusive husband, where do you turn? I don't know. This seems like a supportive group, but I'm not sure how much words can do (wish I could jump through the computer and hug you). I'm not (anymore) a religious person (and in any case I'm a Jew) but if religion once brought you comfort, maybe your priest (I don't know the word) would be someone to talk to. Therapy is great, but it's not a complete answer. Nothing is.

Please just know that I'm thinking of you.

[Hidden in reply to JerseyGirl57]

Again, I appreciate your response. I am no longer religious. It actually didn't serve me - nothing against religion. Combined with my abuse, it sort of made things worse in my case....it gave me a false sense of things....like if I am good enough or help people (not help myself), everything will be alright. If I pray enough, all will be fine. Certain denominations teach prayer alone is the cure. My mom uses her religion as a crutch to not take responsibility for her behavior. Funny, my therapist is a Christian, but also believes in therapy. What does the Jewish faith teach, if anything, about mental health? Are Jewish friends and family supportive of therapy?

[JerseyGirl57 in reply to Hidden]

Well, I'm a reform Jew, which is the most liberal sect, but yes, we are comfortable with therapy...my rabbi would for sure recommend it for any of us on this site. Then again, Jews are kind of known for being neurotic! Funny you ask, I just watched a Hulu series called "We Were the Lucky Ones" which was the (true) story of a Jewish family during the Holocaust. I've never liked it when people said things like, "Think of the things other people have been through" but this really gave me some perspective, if that makes sense. Another place / time and that could have been me.

Not that you asked for advice (in fact, I'm pretty sure you asked not to give advice) but I just recently applied (to make extra $) to Data Annotation, which pays people to help with AI prompts. My son does programming for them (at $40 per hour) but anyone with writing skills can apply (though writing pays less, like $25 or so) so I'm giving it a try. You clearly write well (did you work as a writer?) so I just thought I'd throw it out there. Example from the test: Write a short story about a blue octopus who has a PhD in English and the story is set in a company that got busted for crypto fraud. Weird.

Of course, feel free to ignore me!

[Hidden in reply to JerseyGirl57]

No, I am not a writer. I find your job fascinating. While I'm particular about my writing style, especially when it comes to grammar, I don't judge others. I must admit, crafting a short story like the one you mentioned requires a level of creativity that I lack. It's impressive that you possess that skill.

Nah, you're not bugging me. I really value having you here, but if you've got stuff to take care of, go ahead. Your support's always appreciated.

You really took my mind off things. Thank you.

[Hidden in reply to JerseyGirl57]

I've watched documentaries about Holocaust survivors who go on to live happy lives, which fascinates me. Their resilience amazes me, and I wonder how their brains cope. If I had Hulu, I would watch the series. Thank you JerseyGirl! I am going to try to find something to eat. Have a goodnight. If you ever need to talk, I am here.

[JerseyGirl57 in reply to Hidden]

You're welcome! Thank you, too. Great talking, I'm feeling better too. I'm here if you ever want to talk

[Hidden in reply to JerseyGirl57]

Thank you.

[Arymretep]

I’m so sorry for what you are going through, my heart goes out to you, please come on here to chat. we are all here for you, you are not alone 😘x

[Hidden in reply to Arymretep]

Thank you so much. I feel so down and cornered. I know this is quite philosophical, but if there were another life, I wonder what I did wrong to be abused as a child and now. On the other hand, some people say God has a plan for us, and I think while all the abuse in my house was happening, causing my MDD and PTSD, where was he? I went to church, followed the "rules," even went to college to overcome my circumstances, and here I am. Maybe you don't have an opinion on these philosophical questions, but it all comes down to whether I am here just to suffer. I remember at seven thinking, why am I here? Now, I don't ask. I think this is all pointless. What is shocking is that I have done so much therapy and thought I picked such a different guy; he was kind and nice and wanted to be with me. I was even honest about my depression and brought him to a therapy session. I was doing well, or so I thought. Things changed. Part of that change was his behavior. The exposure to his behavior, combined with my mother's neglect to help and support me, I think, threw me over the edge more, and I developed PTSD later in life. I was shocked, but my therapist explained that it does happen. Thank you for caring.

[shaynokb]

Hello posey, first of all, my prayers are with you and the prayers of many people here are with you. You should know that, as far as I read, your life is difficult and what I feel when I read it is that you are a strong woman. Most people I know would not be able to endure as much as you if they went through what you went through nd for that I congratulate you I know life is not fair to everyone and has treated you badly but you should know that you are not alone I and most of the people here are here to listen to your problems and we should be inspired by such a strong side of you at least I want to hear your experiences I need this So forget your bad thoughts and devote yourself to hobbies that will take you away from the world, this is my advice to you.

[Hidden in reply to shaynokb]

I am happy to share my stories, but they can be very, very triggering for you and others. I think I seem strong because with severe depression and PTSD, we can dissociate, because life is very painful. There is functional depression, like the ability to get up, go to work, and even have hobbies. I was that person a long time ago. I am not functioning well now. The abuse with my husband at this level is new. I am in freeze mode because I am scared. When I was young and able to hold a job, I could leave someone like this. Now, I am trapped. So it seems like I am strong, and I appreciate the sentiment, but I am not. I wish I was. My childhood story is quite intense, but happy to share with a trigger warning of course.

[shaynokb in reply to Hidden]

I understand you and you are right, sometimes people feel like they are backed into a corner, your story is much more serious in your case, and to tell the truth, you inspire me by staying strong. When a person is cornered, it feels like he is out of breath, in times like these, I dream or take refuge in a happy memory, I don't know if you have such a situation. Do you have a moment that makes you smile when you think of being happy and if you can't do anything, don't do anything? Sometimes I want to be alone and that is not possible. I don't want to think about anything or there is nothing I can do. At that moment, I isolate myself from everything and everyone. I'm showing you, I don't know if this will be useful to you, but I wanted to give an example and there is a reason why we say bad thoughts about your bad thoughts because they are bad, also we are here for you and none of us want to be without you, remember that.

[Hidden in reply to shaynokb]

Thank you for your understanding and your willingness to have a conversation. The honest truth that society does not want to hear, and sometimes people in the community avoid (not saying you), is that I can't pinpoint a good time in my life, except when my grandmother was alive. She was the only one who loved me and my siblings. She died when I was 19. I think of her often and have a picture of her. After that, nothing. My story is so bad that I've had therapists ask in shock and curiosity, "So, how did you make it through high school?" I said, "I don't know – I just did." In shock, "You went to college too?" "Yes, I wanted to make a better life for myself." "You never did drugs or alcohol? How?" "No, my brain is not wired like that. " These questions asked by two therapists indicate the severity of my situation as a child and young adult.

I find there is a lot of "toxic positivity" – society and some in our community insist on hearing positive stories or happy endings, cute pictures, or quotes. Well, sometimes kids and adults are abused, and there is nothing cute about it. My response has nothing to do with you; I just had to get it off my chest. You are literally the only person, besides one other, who is willing to have a conversation. I do withdraw. My therapist is really concerned because I have been alone for over 10 years and, of course, about the abuse going on. She knows it is not so easy to find another place to go. My husband (I can't stand to say that word) has been a jerk for a long time. I can no longer say getting married was a happy time, because of the current situation.

Yes, I do withdraw. I have lived in the guest room for a few years. It's sad and a huge loss for me. I am really hurt that I've lost yet another thing...a marriage. I am very scared that I can't support myself and I have to rely on someone abusive.

I appreciate your understanding of my situation. It is nice to here validation.

[hypercat54]

Hi I am sorry you are in this awful situation and I wish there was something I could say to help.

The only thing I will say though is that if you can't leave physically the only answer is to leave emotionally instead. Its easier to do with outside support so is it possible to get some?

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

I appreciate the support I receive from my therapist, even though there are limits to what she can do. It's been a tough year for me, with various losses including my marriage, my pet, and having to cut off contact with my mom. I've been isolated for a long time, which concerns my therapist. She knows I have no outside support. I've struggled with major depressive disorder for years, and it's especially challenging when there's no support from family and external events are toxic. It's disheartening when people without mental illness don't understand the depth of the struggle. Sometimes, understanding and empathy are more helpful than advice. I've noticed that some people in this forum may not fully grasp the severity of major depressive disorder, assuming everyone has "functioning depression." I wish I could contribute something positive, but right now, I'm focused on navigating through these challenges. It's ok you don't have advice. The validation and understanding do help.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

What I said to you about emotionally withdrawing is taken from my own experiences. Its not something I have read about or just threw out at random. Its what I did to survive awful circumstances.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

I understand. It is natural, I think, for people to take their mind off things by talking with a friend or by being by themselves. I do not have friends (again, long story). I am alone a lot. If I don't want to interact, I withdraw to a different room. That is the only choice I have.

[JerseyGirl57]

This is my last note today, I promise! I feel kind of like I'm haunting you. Anyway, I just realized that my last post may have come off sounding like you may have done something to provoke this. If so, I apologize! I didn't mean it like that. When I said that no one deserves to be abused, I was thinking of my own situation (I was a serial cheater in my marriage, which I can't explain because I don't know why I did it - wanted to be loved, I think) but even I don't deserve the mountain of crap that's been heaped on me since (both parents dying, losing all my $ and having massive debt and so on) - just a shit show all around.

But it helps to vent and know that someone cares. So please just know that I care.

[Hidden in reply to JerseyGirl57]

Oh, no, you're fine. Your post didn't come off like you were blaming me. You were actually affirming how I feel. You get it. Nobody deserves to be treated the way we do. I'm glad you didn't get offended by my statement about positivity. I understand some people need that and need God, but others on here just need to be understood. Most people who don't deal with depression don't get it. We want people to understand us. Everyone, I think, wants to be understood. So, with you laying it out there, I'm glad you did - I am messy and I don't feel alone. It doesn't matter that our situations are different; we want to be understood. I am sorry for what you're going through. Your story helped me.