Monday, no questions just writing.

[Boston001]

Every morning is the same. I slide from a lucid dream state where I'm always doing something stimulating, driving, or interacting with people, I am young and full of energy, with an overall feeling of normalcy. Then I awake and realize I am here again living this life at the end of a long chain of unfortunate circumstances. And before I roll out of bed and put my feet on the ground, I start working on the problem, like a car with the check engine light always on. Mondays are particularly hard because I used to be a young, productive member of society with a career, marriage, and kids to raise. I was never a financial success but I was proud of the man I looked at in the mirror. Lately, I have been in TMS treatment and I have been trying to imagine life without my lifelong companions Anxiety and Depression. Would I go back to my career as a truck driver, A dangerous, stressful, and abusive working environment or would I start over in an unskilled labor job that usually involves cleaning public restrooms and calling some 22 year old boss? Not hypothetical, I've been there not so long ago, in an attempt to find my feet. I guess all these are rhetorical questions. 15 years of therapy has gotten me no closer to answering these questions.

[Dolphin14]

Boston001

You are a wonderful writer. This is written so well. Thank you for sharing your journey and your words

Wishing you the best

🐬

[Boston001 in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you

[Starrlight]

I agree with Dolphin you write well. I hope you discover what would make you happy. ☺️

[Boston001 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you

[Mumbutterfly]

If you enjoy helping people, unskilled caregivers who actually care are desperately needed. There are companies who work with the elderly, the handicapped, or the intellectually disabled. Most don’t pay a lot but you can work overtime if you’re able and need more.

It feels good to do something that helps others, especially after raising kids and experiencing empty nest syndrome.

[Boston001 in reply to Mumbutterfly]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. My mom is 90 and I am her caregiver now, but I am not a people person and I get easily overwhelmed in those situations. I volunteered with a church organization once, teaching immigrants to use Rosetta Stone language software and my agoraphobia got to be too much. My grandfather was in a nursing home for 8 years and my sister is an RN at one. The smells, lights, and interactions with people would freak me out.

[emmi331 in reply to Boston001]

Is your agoraphobia too severe for you to volunteer to walk a dog or two for a local animal shelter? They are usually looking for people to help with this, and nothing says "feel better" than being around a dog!

[Hidden]

I’m 52 and on disability. It’s been tough for me to realize that I really can’t work that much, it affects me mentally. I’m super sensitive. I’ve been able to get jobs but I never last very long at them and then I feel like a total failure.

[Boston001 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your reply. It really frustrates me that the only people who don't recognize my disability are the social security administration. I have applied for disability and followed the appeals process 4 times and each time I was denied. The last two times I hired attorneys and they were no help. The way I see it SSDI now owes me 15 years of disability insurance, I worked for more than 25 years paying into the system, and when I needed it they screwed me

[Hidden in reply to Boston001]

I get it. Part of what’s going on there is you worked for so many years so it’s like that is held against you. I haven’t worked very much and it’s all based on how much you’ve worked, so I don’t get very much per month, really just enough to survive on. It’s like my ticket to poverty and I’m sick of it. I’m sorry you’ve had all these problems. My Dad is trying to create some kind of trust for me but my Dad and I don’t get along very well so I don’t know what’s going to happen.

[Hidden]

I consider you a kindred spirit as my thoughts are on such a similar track as yours. Thank you for putting those thoughts into words.

[Boston001 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for taking the time to listen.

[Mrspjsmom]

Therapy is an ongoing process. You will eventually find your niche in life and we will all celebrate with you.

[Boston001 in reply to Mrspjsmom]

I embrace your positive forward thinking, because the alternative is unaceptable