Me and my mum

[Zoe299]

Do I get a birthday present for my mum who i don't speak too?

We have had multiple failings out over my final years at home and currently in one of those phases.

I guess I think she is petty and treats me unfairly compared to my sister. I expect she thinks I'm disrespectful and stubborn

I think it comes down to us both having opposite personalities and therefor opinions

I used to be very close to my mum growing up but come to realise I don't agree with her and don't like her very much.

This comes with waves of guilt (what if she died), sadness (I had a good childhood with my mum), anger (How can she treat me this way?) Stubbornness (I can't just let it go and allow myself to be treated this way) and it's a shame when I hear people talking about their good relationships.

I don't have a dad, me and my sister don't talk, I have no close family. My partner doesn't get on with his mum and dad or brothers.

We joke we couldn't have a normal wedding as no1 would be there, couldn't have a top table. But it's not a joke...its true.

I guess there are 2 reasons why I'm writing this.

1) is anyone or has anyone been in the same position and how do you cope with the guilt and sadness arc

2) her birthday is on Sunday, should o get her something? I feel weird if I do but it would get used against me if I didn't

[flimsymimsy]

Hi and sorry to hear things are not too good between your families. I dont speak to my brother due to his wife as she has caused a lot of problems in my family which i wont go into but I was in the same situation. It was my nieces birthday so i sent a present for her and my mum passed it onto my brother, he refused to accept it and sent it back to me in the post which hurt a lot and we havent spoke since. I feel sad I dont get to see them at xmas etc and like you often wonder about birthdays etc.

If it was me I would try and make up with your mum. I dont mean go overboard but take it slowly as like you say what if she passed away etc life is too short and I would love to make it up with my brother but know its him who wouldnt even consider it as i have tried so have to accept that.

Maybe buying your mum a present or a card and offer to go around to see your mum would be a great starting point and something to break the ice. If your mum refuses then you know you have tried and may have to accept terms sadly and move on which is easier said than done I know. I think if you dont send her something you will later regret it as its obviously on your mind now .

[Zoe299 in reply to flimsymimsy]

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. It's all too common problems with spouses isn't it. That's truly horrible that they sent a gift back and it wasn't even for them but for your niece. I still live at home, circumstances have ment me and my partner are only just in the position now to buy a house. It's very unpleasant.

In my mind I think making up will be better when we move out.

But I think I will get a gift, thank you

[kenster1]

hi I think you should get your mum a gift try and think of something special that would mean a lot to her.even stick a little letter with it telling her how much you really love her.i think its better to make an effort than no effort at all.i never seen eye to eye with my dad for 37 years and the last 7 have been really good.

[flimsymimsy in reply to kenster1]

I am the same with my dad and it wasnt until i moved out that we get on better than ever now so hopefully will be same with your mum x

[Connor_S]

concerning your situation, i think you should definitely get your mom a gift! it shouldnt hurt to loosen some tension.

[MJVM]

My mom and I are in a horrible place right now. For the most part, she did give me a decent childhood. As I grew and developed my own opinions and let her know about feelings I kept suppressed about her, we do not speak. We always have these parties that we have at our favorite restaurants in our family. For the past two years she had my own daughter exclude me. They don’t do anything for mine. My mom tends to put her boyfriends ahead of me. My dad, who passed abused us, but, she still wanted to be with him. Plus, my mom can’t except my mental illnesses. Depression, anxiety, and panic. You have to ask yourself these two things, would it make you feel better if you gave her one? Would a card be sufficient? It is about, what makes you feel good.

[Windy101]

I think it's best to take the high road with parents unless they're being abusive. Fighting, disagreeing, it is hard when there are strong personalities involved. A gift and nice card from your heart can never go wrong, because even if she does return it or not like it, you will know that you showed your mom the love you feel. And it's true, someday she will be gone. I lost my dad last year and there's not a day goes by that I don't miss him terribly. We used to fight a lot. Luckily we had a good relationship for many years at the end, but if I had it to do over, I would have tried to be a better daughter all the way through.

[Zoe299]

Thanks everyone. I did get my mum a card and gifts and flowers, she text me to say thank you. But we still haven't spoke, it's still awkward. I'll guess I'll just see what happens.

[Agora1 in reply to Zoe299]

You did the right thing Zoe299. x