Before people start talking about about treatment and medication, been there and getting it as it is ongoing for years but still not enough. You'd think after all the medications out there I've been treated on something would work to not make this life feel like it's pointless. Unfortunately nothing has worked. Some have had zero affect at treating on my depression others only scratched the surface. Therapy has helped me climb up but still not enough. Being single is hard enough but gay single sucks to the extreme as a lower population to match up with. I have met some so many gay people that didn't work out. I have tried medications, therapy, exercising, spirituality (religions and mindfulness training) I have used all the fore mentioned with extreme vigor. Yet the emptiness of being single and trying to match after failure after failure is wearing me down.
I am a decent guy not bad looking. I have kept in shape. I have done good in my life I have done my best to do no harm in my life, I have sacrificed for others and expected nothing in return. Yet, I have yet to find someone to love that loves me back. Just soul crushing. I will keep trying till death, but at this point it seem like just an exercise in futility. Is it possible I wasn't meant for anyone? At this point meeting someone just before death would be an eternity of hell for us both I would think. I just don't know.
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TyrSwimmer_Sac
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Thanks for the post. It breaks my heart to read it because you sound like you have a lot going for you. As you said, “I am a decent guy not bad looking. I have kept in shape. I have done good in my life I have done my best to do no harm in my life, I have sacrificed for others and expected nothing in return.” Those are amazing qualities, and someone will appreciate them! I’m also a gay man with mental health conditions, and I can relate to the struggle. It’s not easy finding someone. I don’t suffer from depression, but I have social phobia and generalized anxiety (with OCD). It has always made life especially hard for me. No medications have ever seemed to work for me, but after years of trying, I finally had some luck with meditation, mindfulness, and therapy. In time, spirituality became very important to me. It was through a spiritual community that I finally met a special man who accepted me for who I was, and I didn’t have half the good qualities you mentioned that you have: We’ve been together for 14 years now, which I never thought would be possible. Don’t give up the search, and be sure to celebrate all the good things you have going for you.
I can relate w/ the meds and therapy not doing much good. I've been in therapy and on meds and seeing a psychiatrist since I was 15, now 48. In all that time, I have never felt a whole lot better. At times in my life, yes, but I still feel like there's a lot not "taken care of." I don't know what that is, though. I still go to therapy but a lot of times, I don't know why I go. I'm so used to having it be part of my life, I don't know what it would be like to stop it.
As far as being alone, I am too. I recently left a relationship w/ my ex-husband BC it was unhealthy.
(The relationship w/ my ex-husband was hurried by him, and I was young and naïve so I basically just got into it. Maybe at that time I just needed somebody to care about me.)
I had had a relationship, (not a long one), with another female, and it really was the happiest time in my life. The relationship only lasted 6 mths, but I knew who I was, and it felt good to just be comfortable and actually happy. The "happy" feeling only lasted 2 years, BC that's when I had met my ex. Lol. Long story.
I know how lonely it can be not having anyone in your life. I have been alone for a long time. If I weren't so depressed, I'm sure I would want someone again.
To just have someone I would feel comfortable w/ and who wants to care about me as I would them.
I'm sorry you feel so alone. I hope you can find someone to spend your life with, who makes you feel good and loved.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve been there and now back again realizing the problem at least for me was wanting to be accepted.
For 30 years I used and got used by how I looked and how much I would sacrifice for the wrong reasons. Being “hot” worked against me.
One day I decided that once again I’m on my own. I simply reigned myself to being single and that was OK after two abusive, long term toxic relationships.
Fortunately, I met the right person at a friends party who liked me as a person and what was inside. Outwardly I would have never chose him but he was so beautiful inside I took a chance. We married in 2019. He is a rock right now.
Problem was and is that I still crave acceptance and worked myself to a frenzy at my job and used Klonipin and alcohol just to soothe my anxiety and depression. Crashed. Hard. Quit my executive position with no notice to save myself from self destruction.
What is working for me is getting to the root of the issue. In my case it is that need for acceptance. I let unhealthy people in my life over and over and it comes to a stop now. I never want depression and anxiety to rule me again.
Try to find healthy things that make you happy and go all in and resign yourself that everything else will work out in time. Love yourself. Choose health care that works for you and if it doesn’t, move on!
Hope you’re feeling better today and sorry for the over sharing.
hi tyr, I feel ya. I live in a small town now and there are no single people here. I tried to date via a dating site. that was horrible for me. I've working on acceptance. I am trying to accept that I am single. I figure I need to learn how to stand up for myself and not be a doormat in a relationship. I need to process my behavior after my last relationship.
I know being lonely sucks. it does give you time to reflect and work on the you you want to be in a relationship or dating. You will be ready for the next person.
I would agree with you, but I am who I am. It's just other than for sex, which isn't a bad thing only fleeting, I can not find longer and deeper connection. My parents made it look so easy though my mother told me it wasn't. My odds have been very very very unlucky. Still thank you for the reply and the feed back, not to mention the kindness.
Hi. I understand a lot of how you're feeling. For Therapy, I once wrote out the names of all the Therapists I had seen-I filled a half of sheet of 9x11.5 paper-single spaced. A few that I saw, well, I'd say they need to try another profession. And I want my money back.
For Meds, I believe I've tried them all. When I was given Wellbutrin, after some time, I felt optimistic. Me optimistic?-no way. The optimistic feeling was so,,,,, great and natural that I couldn't even poison it with my thoughts-and I did try. But it only lasted 3 days. I call it 'Chasing the Dragon' but in my case I mean I'm still trying to get those 3 days to come back and stay longer. Daylight is finally getting longer, and as in the past, like i do every Spring, I'll start feeling better, so I'll cut back on my anti-depressant. Then I'll crash. Then I realize that my Rx is doing some good. And I'll do it again-I'll never learn.
As far as dating (as a straight man) that's tough also. There's are several factors. The older I get there a less parties BBQs, get togethers, etc. The days of going to bars has long been over (but bringing this up does bring up good memories from the past). Most of my friends have kids, so of course their lives are more,,, nuclear? I work midnights at a process plant (no women). I will rarely try to start a conversation with a women such as when waiting in line. Then there's been 2+ years of Covid. I'm not saying I've given up-it's more of, I don't want to bothered? That's not good either.
You're a good person. You try to do the right thing while also doing good things. All the while expecting nothing in return-which I think is the best way to do it also. I do have to say that sometimes an acknowledgment would be nice. But I've learned to just do whatever good thing you want to do and move on.
Me, I have a very good life. I have no want for any material things. I can pay my bills and I've got some money in my pocket. I'm heathy-physically anyway. Obviously mentally/ emotionally I'm still working on. I need to remind myself how good I really do have it. My life could be better. The top of the list would be more/better quality relationships. And yet, while typing this, there's some fear attached (it won't work out. I'll just get hopes up for nothing. I need a new Rx of Wellbutrin!!) But also it can and has been much worse.
When you said 'meeting someone just before death,,,,,,'. I need to rephrase that for me. I'm going to meet the right someone, and I'm going to figure everything out-life, and feel naturally calm (and even optimistic!). All this the day before I leave this world.
I know that none of this is an answer to what you're dealing with, but keep trying. What are the answers? Well, we're both going to keeping trying to figure it all out. At least figure out some of the answers. Retreat, recharge, heal up, whatever it is you need. Then, you're going to try it again. And again. Never Give Up.
Still on the same path, so know what you mean. Falling over and over to get up time and time again. So repetitive. I tried to find solace in a saying that perhaps it's the the goal of reaching the end but rather the journey. Still what is life with out companionship. I admit I don't even have a close friend only friends are co workers and they are much to young to be relatable to. Also I don't want to seem creepy hanging out with 18 to 20 year olds.
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Panic attacks at night
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