struggling to see the point in anything, just want to join my mum.

[Mimsyblue]

hi,

i’m new here so hello! i’m sorry that my first post is a low one, i wish it was something brighter.

i don’t see a point to anything. i don’t feel like i belong or that I want to. i lost my mum in September after nursing her 24 hrs a day 7 days a week for 3 years by myself and now i feel so lost. i now take care of my dad and my partner but it feels robotic and automatic. i want my mum, i have never been so distant from her and when she left i lost my purpose, my focus.

my grief counsellor said that when i took care of her i stepped into her bubble and now that she’s gone it feels like i’m just surrounded by emptiness but i don’t know how to get out of that, tomorrow’s my last session and i still feel like i’m lost, like i am stood on the edge of a black hole and it’s getting bigger and i’m too tired and not bothered so if i fall in so what.

i had a moment where i functioned but today but it turned into a screaming match with my partner where i got so frustrated at him saying “it’s ok” and “there are people worse off” i stabbed a tea towel with a carving knife on top of the hob because i was chopping veg at the time. I know there are people worse off but they don’t live in my head, i do. All the loss and the pain and the hatred and guilt and regret is all there, every day when I wake up and the nightmares every night bring her back ill to me or rip me apart … i’m just so tired and want to give up. i just want my mum back and my dad to be well without me being scared each time he does something or is tired etc.

how do i breathe? i’m just so lost

[Sillysausage234]

healthunlocked.com/bereavem...

[Mimsyblue in reply to Sillysausage234]

thank you, i appreciate that

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Mimsyblue]

best wishes….I think there’s a couple of bereavement support groups ,hopefully between the sites you can at least feel like someone is listening

[b1b1b1]

It takes a long time to begin to recover from grief. In fact, I think you never really recover, it's just that the pain gets more bearable and comes a little less frequently. My husband died after a long marriage, and even though I am not really religious, I did find some comfort in starting to attend church. I do understand how badly you feel. x

[sjhtr88P]

Hi Mimsy Blue, You obviously don't have closure of your Mum's passing. I am suffering from something very similar but with my Dad. Mum passed away 12 years ago after suffering Alzheimer's. I helped Dad look after her for the last 5 years of her life. Awful, distressing but glad she was finally at peace. Eight years ago I became carer for my Dad. At that time he didn't need a lot of help but that progressed as he aged. It was a terrible decision to put him in a nursing home as he still was mentally sharp as a tack, but his body was letting him down. It got to the stage where I couldn't look after him as he needed & I was suffering burnout. We looked for a place for him & he hated it. Long story short. He suffered from urinary tract infections in the home. More than I thought he should. Last year in March while I was visiting him I was sure he had suffered a stroke. Nurses convinced me it was the urinary tract infection. Two days later he was admitted to hospital after a major stroke. Couldn't speak swallow & his body seriously twisted but his eyes were alert & frightened. That was the last time I saw him awake. It took him 4 days to pass away after my brother (hate him) said we should let him go. I sat alone with him for 4 days until he passed. He was 92 years old. 11 months later I am still trying to come to terms with it but it has been suggested that I write to him every day & say how I feel & what is happening. The degree of guilt I feel can be overwhelming but the days are getting better. Try writing to your Mum. No one else needs to know. Put your thoughts down & see if it helps at all. I have not even been able to cry yet. Everyone grieves in their own way & own time. Don't push it till you are ready. Talk to your Mum through a letter & tell her you miss her & love her. You will be ready to say Goodbye when you are ready. As I hope will I.🥰😪

[bethelbee]

Hi Mimsyblue, first I am so sorry for the passing of your mom. I know how hard that is. I know you took really good care of her for as long as you could and you will always have that. Lost mine in 1987, she was only 60. It was really difficult for a while and there times I wanted to join her as well; thankfully I had a good therapist at the time to help me through. Obviously the pain never goes away but does lessen in time, though there are still times I bawl my eyes out. Most of the time I just remember the wonderful memories. As sjhtr88p said write a letter to her telling her your thoughts and feelings, happy memories you shared. I did that after my mom died and it helped. Recently found it in a journal I kept and it was nice to read it again after all these years. As for your partner's comments, his comment of "there are people worse off" is one of my pet peeves! I hate when people tell me that! We know there are but, you're right, noone is in our heads other than us. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and sending healing thoughts and prayers. Your mom will always be in your heart....