I feel bad

[Against_the_current]

I feel so low. Things can get bad again. Things with family can be happening rn. Nightmares again and my sleep schedule got messed again. Broke. Lonely. Unappreciated. Compulsively called relatives and now am worried i made things worse. Trauma. Mom sent me a pic of my nephew(her brother's son's son) and i thought I won't get my pedophobia activated but it did, it made me have nightmares about dad's baby. It did trigger me. But how do i say "mom, i don't want to see your brother's grandson because it reminds me of dad's baby", i can't do that. And she isn't sending pics often. It was just this time. and because im not talking with grandma because i can't explain to her my mental health is bad. Usually grandma would send me the pics but telling her "your daughter's ex moved on and that's why I don't want to see your grand grandson" will kill her. Even sis is traumatized and feels off when being near to babies. She recalled a memory of dad buying baby food but she didn't tell us he was buying it for his baby, she just said they were shopping and the baby food was near and it smelled bad. We all know mom and grandma would feel....uhm....mad, crazy, psychopathic Medea syndrome if we mentioned dad. This is just an example. I feel empty all day even without talking about the baby. A unimate posted a survey about parent relationship- romantic relationship and I was like "that's too much emotional damage here". Items on the quizz about parents cut me like a knife, items about romance too because what romance - im single as a...idk what... myself. And no, i can't buy myself flowers because im broke. Tried to message my two irl friends and realised one has her mom to take care of her, the other one her boyfriend. Im doing hard things by myself. Without any credit. Im alone all day and then i vent and they think im too much and annoying and negative (i will never forget this) but im alone and i need to share this thing tormenting me. Or even just how i am. I was going to clean my room, take all my water bottles to the recycle point but i could never get up of bed. Plus my guts hurt as hell. Got some probiotics. I feel like sh*t. My soul is tormented. My soul is shattered. My mind is in a convulsion. I want to cry all the time but im too numb too. I feel like a ghost. Traumas are haunting me. Alone and dissmissed. Afraid. Depressed

[SoporRose]

One of my in-laws sent me some books about grieving in which there was this reminder:

"Talking is healing. Talking helps you locate your pain, bring it to the surface, and let it go. And because your wound doesn't suddenly go away, the pain recurs, and you need to talk about it again and again and again. That's why grieving people need to talk about the same feeling or memory over and over." (Kenneth Haugk)

You are grieving the loss of family connections and stability, so it makes sense that you need to keep talking or writing about how you're feeling.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

You understand so well. Wish everyone did. They just say im annoying talking about the same thing over and over again

[Tara52 in reply to Against_the_current]

Reach out to your Spiritual father. He is with you now. He loves you unconditionally and has great power to help you. Sending you love.💝

[Mohammad-341]

I think u need to practice relaxation techniques. Try to work somewhere else.

[Against_the_current in reply to Mohammad-341]

Yeah, i love relaxation practice. Thanks

[Mohammad-341]

Relaxation will surely help u.

[Against_the_current in reply to Mohammad-341]

Thanks. Need it