there’s nothing wrong with me

I have forgiven myself, I found self love, I know I’m worthy, I’ve overcome shame and guilt, I’m on meds, I have a therapist, have never been abused, have a typical normal life, I have my basic needs, went through depression remission, and somehow here I am feeling helpless, hopeless, sad, impatient, crying, wondering what’s wrong with me. I am so tired of this space. I don’t understand what’s happening

[just_keep_swimming]

why do you feel hopeless and helpless ?

[Hidden in reply to just_keep_swimming]

because I’m losing my mind and I have no idea why. I thought I was making progress. But here I am losing it.

[Hidden]

It's scary when we start losing that control we thought we had when we were "more stable" before coming here for help. I think it's important to recognize some of the positive statements noted here. You yourself stated there's nothing wrong with you, you've found self-love, you understand you are worthy. Those are three beliefs that are major in helping to get through this obstacle. It's great to hear that you still have hope going for you. I'm sorry you are struggling right now and I do hope as well that things will get better.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

thank you for taking the the time to respond. It’s hard not to just give up. I just don’t know why I’m here if I’m just meant to suffer. I just push through

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Sometimes pushing through is all we have. I am currently trying to push through right now. It's difficult in so many ways but know you are not alone. Many of us feel like our minds are punishing us and making us suffer.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

thank you

[Sillysausage234]

are you sleeping ok

[Hidden in reply to Sillysausage234]

I wake up 3-4 times during the night and then go back to sleep, but other than that I guess so

[Sillysausage234]

I always have bad days when I don’t sleep well …best just trying to write them days off and don’t dwell on them….it’s ok to not feel ok sometimes

[Hidden in reply to Sillysausage234]

thanks

[Kelkel00]

Yeah, that doesn’t sound like very restful sleep. I too usually wake a lot in the morning hours. Then I’m exhausted all day!

I’m so sorry, hope things start looking up for you soon!

[designguy]

From reading your comments here it could be lack of sleep contributing to your mental state, another thing to check out is your thyroid, hormones and adrenals to make sure they are functioning properly, i'm amazed at how much they affect mine and the other thing is that you could be in denial about your childhood and abuse you suffered. Abuse can be emotional on a lot of levels and even include emotional neglect/abuse as well as physical abuse so it might be worth re-examining it possibly.

[Hidden in reply to designguy]

I have a beaver cleaver family

[designguy in reply to Hidden]

I don't think anyone had a beaver cleaver family except wally and the beav.

[designguy in reply to Hidden]

Also, what does your therapist have to say about what you are experiencing?

[Hidden in reply to designguy]

I was fine last week when I saw her, and my next appt is on the 7th

[designguy in reply to Hidden]

So in a weeks time you've gone from feeling fine to feeling hopeless? Do you possibly have unrealistic expectations for yourself or perfectionism or maybe you are bi-polar, obviously i'm not a professional, just putting things out to consider. Do you have any goals you want to achieve and maybe need a coach?

[Hidden in reply to designguy]

I do have issues with perfectionism. I worked really hard to be good starting in October. I had turned a lifetime of depression into nothing can stop me. I had a sad day a couple weeks ago and didn’t know why and the next day I was fine, then one day last week I was sad then I was fine. This week it all just fell through the cracks. I don’t know why I’m here. I’m just taking up space for no reason. I just give up. Why did I work so hard to be better when it ultimately didn’t work? I guess it was all a lie. I have a 25 yr old daughter that doesn’t speak to me and my 15 yr old is now living with her dad. I was fired from my job of 14 yrs for a really stupid reason on Halloween. The only reason for me to get up every day is to walk my dogs. I’m just a waste of space

[designguy in reply to Hidden]

Wow, sorry to hear, you do have a lot of crap going on in your life right now that can cause a lot of stress and a lot to deal with. As a recovering perfectionist myself, I know that it's easy for me to fall into black and white thinking and forget how much I have accomplished up to a point. I bet even though you may not feel like it at the moment, you have learned a lot with the progress you made recently and it won't take much to get back to that point. I think having setbacks is the reality of the recovery/healing process and part of healing and self-acceptance is to be kind and gentle to ourselves when we are in the midst of them even if it's hard to do.

You say you've dealt with depression for most of your life, i've dealt with it and anxiety for most of mine also. I know i have a family history of it on my fathers side and through tests I know my body doesn't make enough serotonin so I have very little reserves if I get triggered. I've been in a slump the last month and don't think my medication is working well so i'm going to try TMS Therapy and see if it helps. I do think that our biology can cause or contribute to our depression/anxiety as well as how we think so it may be something for you to consider and no you are not a waste of space!

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to Hidden]

I've done this dance for years. Thinking it's my fault that I'm "this way". Blaming myself for my disease, which is something totally out of my immediate control. Thinking I've failed in meeting some kind of expectation for suddenly achieving perfect mental health and a cure for my afflictions. Somehow I've lacked willpower or not done something "right" or"good enough" that would warrant my continued failure at getting better. I've beat substance abuse addiction. Survived childhood trauma and sexual abuse. Overcome the use of pharmaceutical meds. Almost dialed in the sweet spot for successful TMS treatment that effectively keeps my depression and anxiety in remission. Fight ADHD, panic attacks and anxiety symptoms on a daily basis. I have had 4 spine fusion surgeries both shoulders repaired and gallbladder removed since Oct 2016 and changed everything about my lifestyle to reflect positive mental and physical health by eating organic plant based diet, regular daily exercise and proper sleep schedule. But my Treatment Resistant Depression is not manageable by these things alone and I had to admit that it's something OUTSIDE my control...and that's NOT MY FAULT.

I can't support my body in a healthier way than I already do. I haven't eaten added sugars since June 6, I do pilates, bike and run 4-5 miles regularly every week. I'm 48 years old going through perimenopause, 5'2'', 107 lbs. I really can't be much healthier than I am. I was mislead and bought into the lie that I could fix myself if I was strong enough and dedicated enough to follow the rules of perfect health to heal my mental health. It wasn't until I found a treatment protocol that actually put me in remission from my debilitating depression symptoms. TMS gave me the freedom I'd been trying to achieve for decades. I'm a totally different person now. My husband doesn't believe it's possible that I've changed so completely in the last 10 months. I feel like I'm getting a second third and fourth chance at life. But the point is, I understand where you're at. I was there just a week ago. It's infuriating to see progress and then wonder how things turn on a dime for seemingly no reason. It's the nature of TRD. It's so hard to navigate. You're not alone. We've all experienced what you're talking about. Hugs and support 💐 it's not your fault ❣️

[Dolphin14]

It's not uncommon to have set backs along the way. Do you feel like you are experiencing a bout of depression.

When you say you are tired, I'm reading you are tired of feeling this way?

Some are referencing sleep. Can you clarify for me?

🐬

[Hidden]

tired of my life

[Hidden]

I struggle with this same feeling. I started doing things that make me happy but it’s like it’s just a temporary fix. I don’t know how to not be sad. I hate being this way.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

it sucks