Gym Pest

[Rituals]

I’ve been chatting with a guy at the gym & got to know him & started to dislike him. I’ve been avoiding him & making it obvious I’m not interested in chatting. Like I’ll look the other way, whys he not taking the hint? A few folk has said he's just lonely which I feel for him & he fancies me, it’s not the case. I feel he’s challenging me. There’s been several times that he's made me talk to him when it’s clear in my face I didn’t want to. Does anyone understand this or relate?

[Agora1]

Weelon If you are at the Gym, I assume it's to work out. We can't if we are

chatting. Need to breathe and put my focus on what I'm doing.

I use to say "hello" when I got in, if had to chat, make it for a couple minutes

and then move on saying "well I need to work out now"

Before that, there were times that I spent money on the gym only to be

talking the whole time accomplishing nothing. It's your time for some "me time"

Don't feel guilty. Hope he gets the hint xx

[Rituals in reply to Agora1]

Agora1 yes I’m there to work out. I don’t mind chatting but he’s making me feel uncomfortable. Come to think of it he’s the only one that’s disrespecting my boundaries. I do need to say something to him, I can guarantee you he’ll make a drama out of it & I can’t be bothered with that.

[Agora1 in reply to Rituals]

I don't like drama at any time. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position

while trying to work on yourself. Some people just can't take the hint.

Unfortunately you may have to take it a step further and be more blunt.

Difficult I know but it's your time and space while at the gym.

Good Luck and let us know how it works out for you. xx

[Rituals in reply to Agora1]

Thanks for your kind words & reassurance. I do need to assert myself with anyone that crosses the line. I let him treat me like that. I wish I had a sharp tongue xx

[Agora1 in reply to Rituals]

We're all so alike Weelon but once you do ask for your space at the gym

you will feel better. I've always been one to say "I'm sorry" "It's okay" and

found that some (not all) people take advantage of that trait.

Let me tell you about new neighbors next door who moved in 1 year ago.

Before they even moved in, they hung a swing from the tree in front of my

house..Okay....everytime they came over to check the house before closing,

their boys would drag their feet on the grass and before long the grass was

gone and dirt was left behind. I never said a thing.

After they moved into a 1 car garage home, they choose to keep their drive

clear and use the large frontage I have to park 2 huge SUVs..

The last straw came when it was garbage day and week after week I saw them

take over my front yard to drag their trash cans out in front of my house.

One day Weelon, I stuck my head out the door and told the man, I guess you needed

a bigger front yard. You had to know that it had a 1 car garage when you bought the

place considering your wife is a Realtor. I couldn't believe the words were coming out

of my mouth. BUt it felt good for once and almost empowering. He apologized and

said "he didn't know it bothered me" I said it does because when I bought my

property it was because of the 2 car garage as well as the large front lawn.

It wasn't me that day but I'm glad I told them rather than stew in my own concerns

that would just grow and grow. Good Luck dear...I'm behind you no matter what

you say or do. xx

[Rituals in reply to Agora1]

I totally understand where you’re coming from. You have a big bag of patience. Your neighbours took advantage of the situation. I guess I overthink things & I don’t want to be cruel to this gym pest but he’s being cruel to me. I now know he’s being manipulative & I’m ready.

I have vented off in a few situations, one is to to a member of my bf family. He was bad mouthing us behind our backs & interfering with my bf’s business. It was a relief I got it out but I felt guilty afterwards cos he’s in his 80’s & on his own. My bf said he shouldn’t get away with it Seems to be so many selfish people around me. I get it at home, work & play. Play should be my safe place.

Thank you for this chat & being understanding , I really needed this xx

[Agora1 in reply to Rituals]

xx Breathe

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you are going through that. That sounds a bit intimidating. Please stand your ground for your own safety, and let him know you are not interested in making friends at the gym but more so you are there to get your workouts done. If need be, I would speak to staff for safety reasons if he still does not seem to get the message.

[FindingTheAnswers in reply to Hidden]

If he’s clueless (he doesn’t ’Get’ it) is 1 thing, but since you feel he’s, your word was ‘Challenging’, that is different.

I agree with both replies, but I’d say LoudButScared is right and I’d say something to the staff.

Regardless of whatever it is with him, you’re not interested. And he’s making you feel uncomfortable.

[Rituals in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

So go with my gut feeling? I’m 99% sure he’s playing with me but doubting myself. The amount of times that I’ve realised he’s trying to catch me out, calculates my moves so he can talk to me. I’ve even had my bf come to the gym. We stood at the reception & he was there talking with my bf, they have met before. My bf gave him the cold shoulder & a stern look. As I had my back to him i looked round he was there. I gave him a look & still doesn’t get it. Rather than going to staff, what other methods would you try without sounding too harsh.

[Rituals in reply to Hidden]

He’s harmless, I guess I can report to the manager. I couldn’t mention it to the other staff as they all talk to him & he’s the type that would gossip about you. I believe he’s pushing me, why would you force someone to talk if they clearly don’t want to.

[FindingTheAnswers in reply to Rituals]

Of course I'm not there to be able to read the whole situation, but,,,,,,,, the way this all adds up to me is,,,,,, as I say 'I'm not liking this'. You not wanting to hurt his feelings is great, but this is taking up a lot of your time and energy all while it's not something you're enjoying. Also that you had your boyfriend come in, etc, and he still doesn't get it? You've not said anything positive about interacting with him. He maybe 'Lost' or 'Troubled' or whatever. If he's playing you-what's he getting out of it? Except that - he thinks 'she doesn't want to talk to me so I'm going to keep talking to her to aggravate her'(?). You're not interested in him for friendship or romance (and nothing wrong with you feeling that way). This is 1 of those situations where I would say "I don't need this Sh#t, I'm just trying to do my workout and enjoy myself. And I don't want the Drama".

In my younger days, could I have acted like this guy? Yes, but even I figured it out-hopefully long before this got to where it is. Did it hurt? Sure it did. But it's a part of life.

You can't change, cure, fix anyone. The best way to deal with this? I don't know. Talk to the manager. There may have been other women who've done the same thing.

[Hidden]

I've had men who were trying to talk to me before that other people have assured me were "harmless", and at one point I had to go to court and get a restraining order against one of them. I do not want to worry you any more than us anxious people can be, but if he is not getting the hint even with your boyfriend in the picture and he is still coming towards you, that does not sound as harmless to me. I understand he is friendly with staff so I would have to agree with what you said; tell a manager or someone higher up.

As for his "why"...I don't think any of us would know that answer. There's a lot of possibilities we could crowd think up for you, but people can be unpredictable and not always make sense in their choices and decisions. For now, I would focus more on your safety and keeping this man away from you/non-engaging as opposed to acting like he will do no harm.

[Rituals in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your concern. What happened in your situation? How did it get to that? My gut feeling is telling me to stay away, every time when I use to talk to him it was hard work. He would always question me, belittles me & I think he has underlying issues & he gets inside my head. Normally people at the gym chat about fitness & anything light hearted. I have stopped engaging with him & if he continues I’ll need to tell him to stop talking to me. To help you paint a picture of him, he once said “oh you’re the type that takes offence/the wrong way”. Yes I do especially if I don’t know them well enough.

[Hidden]

In my situation it was the son of a family friend. Everyone was telling me he was harmless but I knew he was liking me more than I liked him. When he started to realize we weren't going to be together in a way he would want, he turned on me. He started getting more aggressive, to the point of calling me, changing his number when I blocked him, reaching out to my family members to try and get ahold of me, making new accounts on social media trying to reach me, etc. It got very scary and overwhelming. He even showed up at my house. I was able to go to the police and they took a report. I went to court and the judge saw all the evidence of how obsessive he became (including the "gifts" and letters mailed to me) and she granted the restraining order. Mind you I had never so much as kissed this man. We were just friends that started spending time together but once I realized he wanted more, I tried to pull away and it backfired on me.

I would for sure trust your gut on this. You're using words like "challenging you", "belittles you", etc. and it seems like when you tried telling him you're not comfortable with him, he flipped it back on you to point out how you're just too sensitive and what not. That sounds manipulating to me and I worry for your safety with this man, regardless of whomever is labeling him "harmless". Please keep your guard up and not give in to the others who are merely chatting with him and do not see the danger. He is probably not speaking to them the way he is speaking to you. I wish you the best of luck and the courage to stand strong in your convictions.

[Rituals in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for hearing me. I had goosebumps while reading your message. Sounds like he doesn’t deal with rejection well & he wanted to win, u haven’t done anything wrong. He only cared about himself & not considered our feelings so why should we care. I don’t feel so bad now that I know it’s not me. This gym pest doesn’t like being ignored by me either. You’re right he probably talks to me differently compared to others. My bf gave him a look at reception then later, he walked by my bf while waiting for me to come out of the changing room. The gym pest didn’t say a word to my bf. Is it a control issue? I get the impression he’s trying to make me acknowledge him (I’ve caught him looking at me & looks like he’s being calculating). Thanks for this, I thought I was going round the bend. I now know what I need to do.

[AXXES2]

just be nice and say hey its best if we go our seperate ways or say im just here to workout please go away

[Rituals in reply to AXXES2]

I never thought of putting it that way. Hmm that’s a thought, I like it. I wonder if he’ll get it. Thank you.

[Darkhouse]

Just to validate what others have said here... Trust yourself. We have that little voice inside ourselves for a reason, it can warn us when things aren't right even when our "big brain" can't figure it out yet... Some people, for whatever reason...you were kind, or the way you smiled, or who knows what it was (nothing you did intentionally or in a leading way, just being a nice human being) can trigger a sort of obsession in an unwell mind. I too have had to get police and courts involved in men that others initially said were harmless, so trust yourself. I would let the staff know what's going on, even though he's probably acting like a perfect gentleman to them, if you need it later, it's there. Not trying to cause more anxiety and hoping he gets the hint and leaves you alone, but the fact that even your boyfriend's presence seems to have no effect... Fingers crossed he takes the hint and buggers off. But you stand up for you...

[Rituals in reply to Darkhouse]

Im trying to think if I have done anything to make him talk to me or behave that way. I don’t force my opinions on others & Im always polite. I’m confident in my appearance & I’m quite fit, not being big headed. If he’s jealous not my bag. I’ve noticed he’s watching me & he said “you’ve only done 2 sets” like he’s putting me down or is that banter? I can’t tell with him cos I don’t know him yet. Was he taking the mickey? So Ive responded before “at least i don’t chat all night” which he does. He walks around & find someone to talk to. I need to sort this myself even if it gets me in bother otherwise it’ll eat away at me. I’m not allowing some *$€@ to bully me. So sick of it. I’m sticking to my guns now, a few of you has agreed that he’s bad news. I’m so glad I’ve reached out on here.

What happened to you?

[Darkhouse]

He sounds very immature, like in kindergarten when you're mean to a girl because you like her..?? I didn't mean to say that you did ANYTHING to lead him on, OK? It's a wire crossed in HIS head, not anything you did. For me, I was at college, and a guy asked me where a building was, and I smiled and pointed it out to him. He was obviously shy, I think not originally from this country, a bit awkward...but, back then, I would openly talk to anyone. I was a cute 19 year old student from a small town, very naive about the world. So, I gave the guy directions, he then asked me out, to which I said no thank you and told him I had a boyfriend. He then followed me to my dorm, and asked around until he found out my name, first and last. I'd see him just loitering outside of my dorm or outside of my classes almost daily. I went home for Christmas break, and he called me there. I still don't know how he found my parents home number back in the early 2000's (internet just starting out). He wouldn't stop calling, and started calling me at school constantly. I told the school officials, but this was all way before any stalking laws were on the books, so there wasn't much I could do legally. Luckily for me, I had a lot friends in my dorm, so I started being escorted everywhere I went on campus, and everyone in my dorm knew to not let this guy in. I was lucky that after a couple of months, he got bored or whatever and moved on to some other hobby. Again though, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not going to not be a nice person because of that, although I've had other creepy experiences like that, just not as extreme. I think some people are so lonely that any act of kindness means true love to them... But you can't live your life in fear of it happening, just deal w it when it does. If this dude doesn't leave you alone, I would start keeping track of his interactions w you in case you need to get a restraining order at a future date, when he shows up, what he says, etc. The laws on these things are slowly catching up, but you do need to show that he's been harassing you. I still hope he just leaves you alone...

[Rituals in reply to Darkhouse]

You may be right I did show some kindness. I’ve managed to avoid him & been blanking him but he still insists & waved in my face today. I had no choice but to look at him but I wasn’t happy. Then he used a line & asked if I was finished what I was doing. I should’ve said “does it look like it!”. I’m pissed off with myself so wish me luck as I’m going to need to tell him to F Off next time.

[Darkhouse in reply to Rituals]

Man girlfriend, I'm so sorry this guy won't just bugger off, take the hint. I would totally start writing down any time and date he interacts w you. He's not showing up anywhere else, is he? Like, he's not stalking you? Gosh it sucks, you just wanna go and work out in peace. Are you able to change the times you go so that maybe you don't see this creep? Or have a workout buddy go with you? It's not fair that you have to, but maybe it would help send the message? It sucks that just showing kindness can lead to this kind of behavior. But don't change your kind self!! That's a wonderful thing to be 😍😍😍!!

[Rituals in reply to Darkhouse]

Yes will start making notes. I must have mug on my head. I’m winding myself up how I got into this situation. I don’t have a workout buddy. I need to put him in his place & let him know my boundaries which he’s not respecting. I waved to someone else last week & he was in my view line. He thought I was waving to him so he must know I’m not Interested. He’s got neglect issues, I wish I’d seen the signs. Luckily he’s not appearing elsewhere just stalking me in the gym. I can’t relax anymore which is not right…right? Sorry to go on just need to vent off so I’m not going mad.

[Darkhouse in reply to Rituals]

Don't be sorry. This is a safe place to get it out, and you definitely need to. Again, you didn't do anything wrong, it's his issue. I'm so sorry that you're going through this little pest, grrrrrr, it makes me angry reading that he's invading your privacy and space. Some people just have no boundaries, ya know? But you shouldn't have to change overall being a kind person in life because of this. It's him, not you. You didn't lead him on, you haven't done anything untoward (is that a word? You know what I'm saying...) we should be able to smile at people without them then falling head over heels stalkerish in love!! Hang in there and we're all hoping and praying that this situation goes away. It just worries me that it's been going on as long as it has already.... Merhhh ☮️💚🙂

[Rituals in reply to Darkhouse]

Yes I get you what you’re saying . You’re right it’s been going on far too long & I need to put it to bed. The annoying thing is he doesn’t do it to my bf but he’s only been in once. I’m not sure I think the penny may have dropped for him last night, he didn’t try & get my attention. He was busy being sociable around a younger group. So here’s hoping he’s got the message. Apparently his psychiatrist says he should go out there & be sociable. Some have said he may be a bit slow? Thanks for the back up.

[Sparsley32]

I would probably just put him in his place because that's the only way that he is going to get the picture that you don't really want to engage in conversation. Plus he sounds like a creep I'd be leery of being around him if there wasn't others present. So be careful!

[Rituals]

I now know that’s what he needs & I’m being too soft on him as I’m feeling sorry for him before. Im sure it’s a control issue as I’ve heard him mention about this before in a conversation we had & the way he’s behaving. It’s winding me up thinking about it. Just don’t understand who he thinks he is. Thanks for the advice.

[Sillysausage234]

one thing I’ve learned to get me out of situations is always start with …I don’t mean this in a bad way ..then say ..but ..then say im just here to workout

[Rituals in reply to Sillysausage234]

Ok I’ll bear that in mind. Thanks for the suggestion. He seems to interact with me when I’m not expecting it so throws me.

[Rituals]

I’ve said something to him. Told him to stop talking to me cos he’s making me feel uncomfortable & I don’t like forced conversations. He was about to reply but then he seen someone behind me & he walked away. I thought at least an apology or something but nothing. Then a female approached me & we talked about training. I mentioned a particular machine that she should try & pointed across where the pest was on. But he was already watching me before I pointed his way. He then must’ve spoke about it to these 3 guys who I kinda know, they’re regulars. Bearing in mind this gym pest chats & annoys everyone. These 3 guys are a bit more low key & normal, they’re ok. 1 of them came over to me while I was talking to this female & he said hi, we made light hearted conversation. His 2 mates were over the way & seemed weird him coming over. I got the impression they were fishing for information. So I don’t know what the gym pest has been saying. I had a chat with a female who he had been annoying. She only said that he’s harmless & she said she just brushes it/himoff. I think she was trying to put it across politely. We don’t know each other so not sure. i shouldn’t feel like this, am I over exaggerating ? Could anyone advise?