in shock & hurting

[melbrown]

My boss has decided to go back on basically everything that was said to me last week. I'm basically the problem, that my coworker is "bad" with me...that I don't give direction, I'm a control freak, that I have to do it all, that this isn't the 1st coworker to feel this (though no one has said this to me, one was friendly with me). That she hopes I'm working on my control issues in therapy... that I play the victim.. that I basically wouldn't find a better job than this. She also took a work day away from me, so working 3 days. My 20 years there means nothing basically. Because I couldn't make it "work" & making her deal this it, I am punished. My manager is out this week... my boss is mad because of this she is coming in 6 days... everyone in my life is telling me to leave. My therapist compared it to an abusive relationship, a dysfunctional family... that it's not doing me any good. My itching has gotten so bad I broke out last night. My husband makes enough to support us... I am afraid of so much alone time or what if he leaves me or something bad happens... I don't know what to do...

[Sillysausage234]

Hi Mel ,wow....20 year’s service and that’s the thanks you get,you don’t need to be around people dragging you down like that if you don’t need the money tell bitchface to go and suck a lemon 🍋🖕🏼..so cheeky saying you couldn’t get a better job 😳

[hypercat54 in reply to Sillysausage234]

I totally agree with Alan. Most of us stuck in horrible jobs have no choice but to stay because of the money, but if you don't have to then I would leave. If you want to fight it then ask her to put all this in writing along with 'proof' and take it over her head to her boss. This is clear abuse and your manager has exceeded her authority.

Also remind them that you have some mental health issues and it is the law that they make some reasonable adjustments for you. I presume you are in the UK as I don't know about other countries laws. Maybe there is another job you can do there instead? If you do decide to leave then see if they will pay you say 6 months pay or something and very importantly get them to give you a good reference and take it with you.

I would also look up employment law in your country and see if you can get some free or cheap help. x

[melbrown in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks Hypercat. Unfortunately it was my boss, the owner of the shop who said all that. I'm in Ca, Us, according to my husband & brother (both work in management jobs) what she said isn't allowed. Being a small shop, there is 3 employees, I doubt she is aware of laws regarding mental health. I should probably do my own homework on it. I'm concerned what they would say as a reference when I do leave. Everyone has said they can't say anything bad since I've been there for so long. My brother says if get gets brought up say it was becoming a toxic work environment, the truth. It's also been suggested I should volunteer... they would want me, it would improve my outlook & look good to future jobs.💛

[hypercat54 in reply to melbrown]

Hi they can't officially say anything bad but they could list all the days you have been off etc. (if you have) which gives the wrong impression. There are subtle ways of giving bad references. If I was you I would get the reference letter in your hand and read it first. I would also mention if it comes to it that they have broken the law but do it in a casual way and try and get some dosh out of them. Make your points but do it in a way which they couldn't accuse you of threatening them. You could get them to say you were made redundant which is better than saying it was a toxic environment. Never ever criticise your last employer to a new one - this is the golden rule. Look after your own interests here and be persistent. Not only will you benefit but it will make you feel better having made a bit of a fight out of it. x

[melbrown in reply to hypercat54]

I am actually covered on the days, I've took off, was given a medical note when was on leave. Any job I would take I would ask for Thursdays off or a half day (there are 2 support group meetings I can go to one in afternoon other is in evening. I could plan my therapy close to the meeting.) I haven't brought up any legal possible issues to them, wouldn't unless 100% on what they are. Plus adding fuel to the fire... not my style. I try to be professional & think through things before I talk. I know I'm making the best step for me. Thank you so much.

[Hidden in reply to melbrown]

Could you tell me if Ca is part of the US or a separate country to the US? A bit confused when you said you lived in Ca Us. Have you thought of temping through an agency? Stock taking and organisation is one of the most important aspects of running a business.

[melbrown in reply to Hidden]

sorry.. no in California don't know why felt need to add US

[Hidden in reply to melbrown]

Thanks - I get anxious over silly details - if they aren't right!

[melbrown in reply to Sillysausage234]

Hi Alan... thanks. I wish I had it in me to say that type of thing. My brother & husband are working hard to convince me I deserve better.

[Hidden]

Mel why are you keeping yourself in a situation like this, if you're able to quit do it, i told you that last year also, if they can't see your worth and how hard you always work especially most times when you don't even have help ,let them be without you

[melbrown in reply to Hidden]

I know Danielle... I struggle seeing my value, I've spent the past few days thinking she's right about it all. It had gotten better for awhile, my manager had been so understanding. I barely saw my boss... she just doesn't get it. I am working on my stuff... I wish I was there... I'm afraid of what if I quit, then I'm home, alone for 4 days & what if the bad darkness comes back. Or if my husband gets tired of all this & leaves me... I am scared when it comes down to it..

Thanks for being there 🌻

[sadnab]

You should have a list of items that are your responsibility at work. These tasks should be completed in order of priority. I would try to ignore what is being "said", document what is being said that is demeaning and disparaging, who said, the date and time; and then call a lawyer or labor and industries, or a union representative if you have one. If you don't have anyone of these persons to call, call your state employment department and ask to speak to a counselor about your verbal abuse from your supervisor. Don't give them a reason to fire you, be on time, be polite, but document what is going on and make a legal complaint. If you see a mental health therapist, tell them what is going on, but I wouldn't confide in anyone at my work place. If you have sick time; see if you can get a doctor's excuse and get paid time off. Please try to see a professional about these issues. It sounds like the "boss" is trying to make you quit, so they don't have to pay unemployment. Don't fall into this trap. You wouldn't be working if you wanted to sit at home all day and have your husband support you. On your days off, maybe look for another job, or look into taking some online classes. Many libraries have free computer classes that will help you find a job, or gain new skills that will make you more appealing to a new employer. I've been doing Yoga twice a week, and it seems to help my stress/anxiety. I have Psoriasis on my scalp, so whenever I get upset, it breaks out. I haven't found much to help. You might try apple cider vinegar, mix with water, spray or wipe on. Good luck.

[melbrown in reply to sadnab]

Wow... thank you for replying & all the great advice. A lot of what goes on is BS... there is only 3 employees, the manager & I've been there forever. The owner/boss & manager are close & the owner she's her a lot of slack as a result. Not saying she doesn't do her work, but she goofs off quite a bit. Other employees we've had see this & think it's okay to goof off a lot too. I rather keep busy, make sure store clean, stock, etc. So I'm the unfun one... & it told I do it all because control issues. It's toxic... I know I have some blame too. I see my therapist tomorrow & also go to my support group.. plan on talking about it. Trying to figure next step & be brave enough to do them.

Thanks for the tip on what to do about itchiness...it's a new one for me (like a month). No rash but bad itchiness. Haven't changed what putting on my skin & we figured out stress can cause it. Got love the physical effects of stress & anxiety.

[Hidden]

Guess it's difficult when you know your job inside out and someone else thinks they can do your job standing on their heads. Stress can only make your worse. May be you can ride the situation out. If your boss is after you, then you need to show your recent

job list is accomplished. If you are good with customers, then may be a more mature person is more helpful to the clients. Sometimes people feel overpowered in shops and hate pressure being put on them. If you have a sense of humour, may be you can show this when you are working. Expect you have strengths being good at calculations and operating cash cards. Some people are no good with technology, and cannot multi task.

If you don't like the people you are working for, and they won't give you a good reference

then it is difficult. If you resign, without finding another job, you might feel at a disadvantage. If pressure is being made by the boss to cut down on staff to save on

pay, then most employers have to pay national insurance for every employee. The person who has been employed for twenty years has rights. If you have a citizen's advice bureau

online or in your town, you could find out more about your rights. it might be cheaper for your employer to employ two or more part time workers with national insurance contributions doing 16hrs a week. You might be eligible for a pension which they might be trying to prevent you from obtaining by putting the pressure on. Think you need to have a restful weekend and relax. When you come back then be pleasant and act as if nothing has happened. This may bug them!

[melbrown in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for all the tips... I'll look into them. I am hoping to relax this weekend, try to clear my head & figure out next steps. Hopefully our sunny weather holds & I can take the dog for a long walk & burn off some of this energy. It'd be good for both of us. My brother was talking about taking me along when he & his girlfriend go volunteer at the animal shelter. He thinks it would be good for me.

[Hidden in reply to melbrown]

May be he is talking sense. Know you'll work it out - your skills have been undervalued

and you could do any number of courses to raise your skills profile. I did a secretarial course, with business in my forties - there was work experience - I did some temping

as well as reception work at a vets. They thought I would make a good animal nurse.

So many choices ahead which you do not think of!