Whenever I see a young couple around my age, I just wanna run away and cry. It reminds me that I have never in my life been with someone in any capacity, that I’ve never been good enough for anyone, that I’ve never had someone willingly choose me to experience such an intimate and natural relation and reminded me that many of my peers get to experience it just by being themselves when they’re teens, giving them the confidence and experience they may need to hope to experience again and to have more meaningful relationships and fulfilling intimate experiences. It reminds me that who I was and am is so fundamentally undesirable and loathesome that I am completely unworthy of anyone’s love or affection.
It makes me feel inadequate and like an overgrown child, it makes me feel like I am totally behind and lesser than most people, it reminded me what my life could have been and what experiences I could have acquired if I was just more desirable to people. It‘s the same feeling I got when I would sit in my room alone while my brother and his girlfriend were going at it in the next room. How can I not feel inferior when I’m an adult fundamentally unable to talk with people or have a conversation meanwhile there are people getting dates at 16.
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Gurbfeld
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I think you're being too hard on yourself. When you put yourself down, you make yourself smaller and may unintentionally make yourself less attractive, so quit it! 😛 People are often attracted to confidence, even if you have to fake it.
Often when it comes to relationships (of all kinds) I think people can greatly benefit by suspending their own belief in their own faults and take a chance. Taking a chance opens you up, it leaves you vulnerable to being hurt and it can be scary... but is loneliness and never having taken a chance on something a better deal?
I wish you luck in finding what you're looking for. Life isn't a race, you're still young
(I’m having a mini breakdown right now so I’ll be a little crazy)
This entire prospect of my life is so fucking shitty. I ruined my entire school life being an undesirable loser who nobody ever loved and now I live with the consequences. The idea that I basically have to spend years of my life until I’m 30 or 40 reinventing every single aspect of my life and turning myself into a completely flawless god just to feel fucking normal and to even have a chance of experiencing something that most people can get by being themselves when they’re young is beyond embarrassing. Those people are objectively superior to me in every single aspect of life, how am I supposed to compete with these guys who have been getting dates since they were 15? As I get older I just get more and more hopeless. I watch around me as people just get by simply by being who they are and having huge friend groups. I feel so alone and defeated by life. How can I ever be worthy of love.
You can't be sure of what the future will hold for you. Things weren't perfect in the past? Okay, it's not the end of the world. You'll NEVER be flawless and you simply HAVE to stop judging yourself by other people's standards (lil' secret, they're all flawed too, it's part of the human condition).
You can be worthy of love by being a human being... but perhaps by first showing yourself some kindness you can better understand this. Beating yourself up is not a good self-improvement method. People who think they are superior are flawed, NO ONE ever goes through the same life so it's impossible to judge everyone by the same metric- keep reminding yourself of this! If you are able to point out what you dislike, work on changing it into what you would rather see. Count your blessings, not your flaws, it'll serve you better in life. Some things you will never be able to control, the sooner you get comfortable with this notion the more you can focus on what you DO like, what you HAVE achieved, what you WILL achieve.
Gurbfeld, just to confirm you are 22? As in four years removed from high school? As in born in the new millennium?
Oh no! You have so much time! I didn't kiss someone til I was in college (it was gross and I hated it). If you're a spinster at 22, then I might as well throw in the towel at almost 30 🤣
Also, some people are genuinely happy in their relationships, but a lot more people than you think are simply with someone so they don't have to be alone, to satisfy their physical needs, or to split rent. The grass is not always green on the other side.
It is not easy to do, but it will be very helpful if you don't compare yourself to others. Whatever other people project about themselves has nothing to do with you. Focus on what you can do for yourself to feel comfortabke with who you truly are. It is a process. You will know you are ok when you are confident in your interaction with others. People sense when you are or not abd often avoid the latter.
I think you should consider getting into therapy. Anything that any of us say right now about how you are still very young and how you can still make it won't matter because your automatic negative thought cycle has led you to believe that you are no good. The truth is that all of us make our own choices. We are at the end of the day a consequence of our choices. There is a pattern that often plays a role here. For example, someone who believes that they will never be good enough for someone may either get into abusive relationships or avoid trying to have a relationship altogether. Now because this person is not in a relationship, they may end up feeling that they are worthless and this cycle keeps on continuing. I would suggest that you read about psychology and understand how your brain works. There are a few books that I would suggest reading- 1. The subtle art of not giving a fuc*, 2. Atomic habits, 3. The power of your subconscious mind, 4. How to influence people and make friends. There is plenty of stuff online that can help you with your self-esteem. Just give it a shot. You owe that to yourself and you are not alone. The truth is that most of us have at some point felt like we are not good enough, deciding to believe it or challenge it makes all the difference in how our life will eventually turn out.
the first time I left my home state was triggered by a failed relationship and job. In a new city alone walking downtown I felt the same way. You will be surprised to learn most people aren’t in relationships. You have tunnel vision or you are not in environments with a variety of people not like you.
You mentioned feeling like a loser in school. I was not popular but there was a classmate who was always a target. He wasn’t physically strong and shy. Maybe even angry. Classmates were mean. I don’t think he was strong academically. In my new state I actually ran into him on a ski outing in college. He also left the state we grew up in. Took a job as a baggage handler which caused him to build muscle. Being in a state that values the outdoors he found outdoor sports he liked. By the time I met him he had blossomed into to a pretty hot looking guy who was leading ski and rafting trips. He isn’t the only story. Like them you probably just need to find your interests. It doesn’t have to be sports…the arts and startups are filled with similar stories ( mark zuckerberg was very insecure). To do that you need to drop the comparison and start being curious. Being curious is how people find their purpose on this planet. Maybe you move. Maybe you travel. Maybe you volunteer. Maybe it is just a different job. Try them all.
Whatever you do don’t get sucked into the pity party. Tbh this place will join you in the pity party if you let it or celebrate your wins if you want to share. This wins come from being curious and jumping in.
There is some good advice here and I would urge you to have the courage and find a therapist to help you so you can realize how wrong your thinking and beliefs are about yourself and help you replace them with more constructive healthy ones. They may even suggest medication at least temporarily to help you. There is also a lot of good info on youtube about healing and improving your self-worth and even online programs available. The hard cheese of life is that it's up to you to find and get the help you need to change and improve your life but it's definitely possible and worth it.
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