About mistakes and guilty thoughts

[Ladyred27]

I have good days, and other days my head is a whirlwind of ideas of shame and guilt.

In the past few weeks I have come to realize that I have trouble dealing with the guilt of making mistakes. I think if I am not perfect there is no point in living, maybe it is extreme, but it is the mental configuration I grew up with.

Today I have come to the conclusion that this thought settled in my mind when I was 11 years old, after a discussion that my parents had. I don't remember what happened, but my older brother had done something wrong, my father was furious with him and with my mother for not educating my brother well (my parents were already 6 years divorced). Then my father yelled at us that we were flawed, , a shamed, he say we always did everything wrong and that it was best we doing we ate rat poison and died.

This scene comes to my mind constantly, even though 20 years have passed. Perhaps this was the seed that caused me to think that if I make mistakes it is not worth living, that there is only room and merit for people who do things well.

All I want is to feel good being imperfect. All I want is to accept that I make mistakes and stop being afraid when facing them, stop believing that people are going to hate me for making a mistake.

[Freedom57]

Hi Ladyred27

I think a lot of people with anxiety & depression have issues with shame & guilt

I know for me it’s easier to remember what I did wrong in the past instead of what I did right

Believe it or not we are not the same person we were in our past. So it’s not really fair to judge ourselves so harshly, right...but we do, and get caught in a loop

I too have struggled with perfectionism most of my life, I can’t even live up to my own standards.

The comments your father made must of been painful to hear, very sad to remember that in detail. I don’t even know what to say. He must of been in some pain himself to say such hurtful things.

I think we need to learn to truly love ourselves then we can accept our imperfections and can be free to be who we really are around others

We are all unique & works in progress. Good luck in your healing journey❤️

[Agora1]

Hi Ladyred27, one of the worse things a parent can do is belittle their children at any age.

You're right in that the seed gets sown and becomes a stumbling block unless it is addressed

by a therapist. No one should be expected to be a perfectionist. Is anyone really perfect??

We must never live our lives to become what someone else wants us to be. We each are our own

person who have qualities and needs different from their siblings or parents. Whether you do

well or not, it is never a reason to give up on life. We are human and there will be times we

make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes. We'd never grow if we didn't experience this in our

lives.

Learning to accept who you are starts with loving yourself. Giving yourself credit for what you

have accomplished and not how perfect it needs to be. You're still young and with age with come

maturity and confidence in yourself. You will find that believing in 'you' will be the key in what

turns your life around.

Your parents won't always be around but why wait until they are gone to find yourself.

There are many great videos on YouTube that can help get you started. Look for the ones

on Affirmations, Self-love and Confidence. You will no longer feel stuck or stifled but will

be able to walk proudly into a room knowing you are the best that you can be. xx

[AllTimeLow]

Please stop being afraid.

[Flower_2501]

Hi Ladyred,

When we have damaging childhood events they transfer into our adult lives with us as it’s the inner child we all have that is feeling the same thoughts we did when we were a child. We all have our inner child so please don’t feel you are alone. Many people’s experiences and traumas will be different but the pain is all the same so please remember this is normal you feel this way. But it’s how you channel this moving forwards (easier said than done). When I was 13 my dad said and done awful things to me, completely made me feel worthless. I was a daddy’s girl my entire childhood and still to this day had the best childhood until he met his new partner at the time (who was so jealous it wasn’t right) and he chose her within 6 months, stopped seeing me, told me I was an attention seeker, told me that he wouldn’t know who to save out of a burning building me or her. All sorts of things. He then popped in and out of my late teens and early 20’s until she (again) put a stop to that. So now I’m the one who keeps myself away and that protects me from the pain he causes and so I don’t have to relive my childhood again.

One thing I’ll say is, remember your adulthood is your own, it’s your creation. Try to see it as a new life that you can chose to have. I do truly know how you feel that you aren’t good enough, daily I beat myself up and some days I’ll cry my eyes out. But then the next day is a better day and I’ll try to achieve something that is positive, even if it’s a small thing like a walk in fresh air. I’ll hold onto that memory and embrace I done that for me. Imagine everyday like a wave of the ocean. Hold on through the bad ones, and enjoy the good ones. Everyday is a different wave and the bad ones will get less and less the more you do for yourself.

[Juanxiety]

I’m sorry you experienced that. A parent shouldn’t never talk to their kids in that fashion. It causes a scar in the spirit. Such careless and harsh statements to kids. You did nothing wrong. Your dad was out of line there. If someone hates you because of a mistake they are wrong and don’t deserve you .

[Juanxiety]

I had something milder but similar that happened to me. I was in 3rd grade and in my graduation my dad told me that I’ve better get an honor medal and kept telling me how I would be in trouble if I didn’t. I was in 3rd grade in my graduation and had a headache and felt stressed. He was out of line. Still I got a medal and felt vindicated, but we cannot pressure our children carelessly. It causes psychological scars.