never thought id live this long

[Soccer20000]

So im reflecting right now and have realized how bad my mental health was even as a child. Growing up my mom would never allow me to “explore the world” for lack of better words. She would always worry about someone doing me any harm physically, mentally or emotionally. I would isolate myself from everyone but I wouldnt choose to, it felt like a cancer was just eating away at positive thoughts. This still happens today but its more severe at this moment.When I was younger I always hated school mainly because of the waking up so early in the morning. I did make friends but for the most part it was other people seeking me out. Which is honestly why I probably didnt contemplate any suicidal thoughts, they were my angels in a way they kept my mind occupied with some forced positivity when my mind would try to reject it. I hate the concept of 9-5 I am not lazy but I hate that I literally cant survive in this world without working a low paying job in a world where everything is so expensive. I am just going through the motions right now.I cannot live like this.I have tried looking into animal shelters, homeless shelters,community service. Hoping and praying that it might save me in a way and give me a purpose in life that i have never had. People say anxiety and depression is just a mindset but ive had it for 15+ years I never chose to think this way. There is so much more that has happened to me that has broken me overtime. I seeked help on a different forum 2 or 3 years ago when I thought I was low but I managed to get through it. But I don’t know If I can live through this, this time, the culmination if everything is just too much this(metaphorical)fucking cancer eating away at my thoughts and my mind is starting to physically affect me daily now

[Hidden]

Yes, I’ve been told the oh so wonderful news that I have bipolar disorder way back when I was 16. I’m 52 now. I don’t know when my life is ever supposed to get better. It just seems like constant suffering sometimes. I guess I’m some kind of defective person that can’t get their act together. I’ve made two serious suicide attempts in the past. Doesn’t seem like anyone really cares unless that’s their job where they are paid to supposedly help mentally ill people. A lot of the time I wish I was never born.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

The good thing about having bipolar is that many of us have intense happiness/excitement in between the depressions. And as I get older I’ve learned how to get into the feeling of the present more for a little peace.

[Starrlight]

❤️ Peace to you.