Help advice needed for long term sufferer of depression/anxiety/dark thoughts

[Deeman88]

As titled, I have been suffering long term with these problems. Since I started working again- after being off for nearly a year, I felt like I had made some progress, considering I was barely going out and not making much contact with people, even family. I was struggling as a result, financially which made me feel even worse (if that was possible) and my long term relationship suffered as a result, as my gf wasn’t very supportive to say the least. Now it’s been 4/5 months since I started working again, once again I am started to feel like isolating myself away again. It’s important I have to add that I am not on any medication, since the Prozac was only effective for a few months and then feelings of darkness and major anxiety had creeped back in. I also tried Citropram with only bad side effects even weeks after which made me feel awful and even more isolated. I have previously had mental heath teams out to me as well as had appts with a therapist, which wasn’t a nice experience as she seemed to ‘poo poo’ my feelings and didn’t feel like she even took me serious! No wonder I felt even worse and felt like I had nowhere else to turn. My doctor who id been regularly seen, was not happy to say the least with this and yet still I wasn’t being referred anywhere considering my moods were so up and down- could feel low and like curling up one half of the day and yet still being isolated and nothing ‘happened’ to make me feel better I could feel crazy good or happy at the end of the day, I felt I had bipolar as this has been the case for years. Working hasn’t helped me, I work nights in a hotel so am v much still isolated and still feel like I have no hopes or optimism for the future and still get reoccurring dark thoughts.....sorry about the length of this but I finally need to ask you guys for advice and see what you suggest?!?

[Agora1]

Hi Deeman88, as I was reading your post, I too was thinking Bipolar...When you were off for a year were you hospitalized at all? Between your gf and your mental health team, it doesn't seem like you are getting the support and help you need. I can see how it can make you feel very alone in dealing with all of this.

When you say "dark thoughts" do you mean self harm? I think your life is too isolated but I can understand if you are not feeling well in how you would want to push people away. I would suggest getting another mental health opinion. Even a psychologist may be able to diagnose you as well as write an order for the right medication if it does prove to be bipolar. The right med and dose can make a world of difference for you. You deserve that. Stay strong, this can be figured out.

[dark-laur]

I have a close person who was mistakenly diagnosed with depression and anxiety, always doing treatment with medicines that didn't have the expected effects. After much searching she found someone who gave the right diagnosis (bipolar disorder) and even then was not the first medication to be adequate, but after a few more tries she found the right one and nowadays she is much better.

So my advice is: don't give up looking for help, sometimes we don't find the right psychiatrist or medicine in the first try

I hope you can find the best for you.

[2Blu]

I m not sure what advice you need, but please know you are not alone, the mental illness makes you feel that way. Keep going , staying busy can often occupy your mind and keep those bad thoughts at bay. Wishing you peace

[pgseth]

I'm not on medication either because of similar issues. I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with a therapist, finding a good one is so hard! One thing I try is remembering what progress I have made over the years. Meditation has also done wonders it's a bit tricky to start and I'm still not very good but practice makes perfect. Remembering to treat my anxiety and depression same as I would treat a physical illness has been the most vital coping skill for me though, it can be difficult but it makes me set aside more time to do the things that help me cope.

[Deeman88]

Thank you for all of you who took the time to reply it means a lot to know there are people who understand. I was at work when I posted this so couldn’t take as much time to completely describe my current circumstances. I am split from my gf and my child, for now I am living with my ex’s parents house, but not for much longer as it’s nit ideal situation as me and my gf have had a lot of issues. I was only offered to stay with them because I was staying in my car for a few days, and here in the UK it’s been freezing so no fun at all! I have no family support really, my dad died of cancer nearly 6yrs when I was only 22 and was pretty traumatic watching him slowly deteriorating and eventually passing away in front of me, I have a Mum who I have had issues with since she left my dad when I was 14, and she lives 60miles away. I am 1 of 5 children- I’m the middle child- but my older brother who I am closest too moved to Australia 2 yrs ago so that was hard, and my oldest brother is married, self employed consultanting exec so is always flying to USA, Japan etc and generally always busy. My two younger sisters have their own places and boyfriends and have v busy lifestyles also. Basically everyone is in good positions and I feel as though in the next 2/3weeks I will have nowhere to live- I am staying in her parents spare room Until the sister is back from uni and obv not an ideal situation! My ex gf and I have 2 children together and there is just too many arguments and tension caused by the fact we both lived apart for a year previously basically to sum up quick as I can. I have tried many times but I always end up being told to go and me being left like this!! So yes I get dark suicidal ‘planning’ almost thoughts a lot and feel like I am no good to myself let alone anybody. I try to keep busy but as I work alone and through the night, it’s not easy as once it had been a couple of months working I get so so anxious just to leave the house. I def need to go bk to the doctors for a referral basically but was so disheartened with how rubbish the health system is, especially the mental health ‘care’ system m- even logged a complaint about a women who worked there and had 2 of my appts cancelled- both of which I had to wait 3 month Per appt for!!! I just feel lost and lower then ever as nothing feels it goes the way I want it. I go from thinking life is going one way to being plodded back on my own with no support really- tbh even the ‘support’ I receive of my ex gf is barely minimum, it knocks down my confidence to the point of no existence!! Again sorry to rant and long reply but wanted to properly explain my strains and stress’s! Thanks for reading

[Hidden]

So what are your plans?.. What is it you are actually wanting?..I personally think you should find a place to live..you said your working right..get something you can afford..Just get a roof over your head and have your income and your own space..you've got a car..What is bothering you ?..you have more than me..What brings you to these dark suicidal thoughts? ..you are strong..young.. intelligent. you have life ahead of you..you can work around things if you want to your advantage too..tell me, what's the go?.. Don't worry about the others, tell me about you..dig it all out to me..

[Deeman88 in reply to Hidden]

I have no real idea at the minute as I am struggling to juggle everything. Managing to go to work when feeling like I don’t want to leave the house is one thing. I agree that I need somewhere to live indeed but just depends how much it’ll cost me basically because I am on crap money so don’t earn much. I am a broken relationship with someone who is pig headed and selfish and is main reason I wouldn’t want to be back there when she just puts you down and makes you out the be some useless father etc. I have more then you.....what because of my children...?! I feel so useless to myself 99% do you know how that feels to then have two people relying on you and the gatekeeper to those children giving you grief any chance possible. I don’t know what I want- some support or help and as I was reading things on here for ages thought I was ready to ask for some advice or see what people would say. If I knew what brings me to my dark thoughts then could’ve addressed these issues- I ended up getting stitches in my neck when I was 14/15 due to suicide attempt, always felt alone and now almost trapped in this situation where the healthcare service even after me trying and trying have been as helpful as a home in the head! Thanks for your reply but I don’t know the answer to half those questions myself and all I know is I feel like being isolated at home and then working at night in a hotel on my own and feeling uneasy and overly conscious around people is making me feel like I will never be normal or have a normal life and my life situation doesn’t help either when I have moved from my family home, due to no choice of my own, because of the grief I get and the constant digs made at me and one thing I do know is- as horrible as it sounds on my children- I feel more positive when I’m not there, not because of them but because of the ex.

[Hidden]

That's ok..Just do what your doing now to manage things..Its when you beat yourself up that makes you depressed but your not doing anything wrong your just struggling at the moment ..step by step you will untangle all this which may take time..I know your doing all this on your own but at the end of the day it's you that can help yourself..Go through your motions..if you cant get out of the house, get out of the house!..I know it's hard when other people put you down, and as silly as this may sound, thank them..these people are actually helping you..don't take it personally take it as theyre your guides..because they are..look now, you want to be a better father..(I'm sure you are cause I sense you care)..your learning how to deal with toxic people..you are evaluating your finances re finding a place, your working on your loneliness, your reaching out for help..your not hopeless..you are gaining strength, responsibilty, self worth, I wreckon your doing a fantastic job..and yeah you do have more than me, you have children, your a father, you got a job, a car, your health which is most important..and listen, we learn alot from these dark thoughts..put it this way, you need darkness for stars to shine right?..well you are a star!..Just hang in there..do you pray at all?..listen I'm not a bashing religion on you, I'm just asking if you pray..do this..when you are alone, Close your eyes, focus and connect with God..don't think of anything else. just call God and imagine God sitting next to you or in front of you and talk.. open your heart and start talking..Just like you did on here..talk to God and say everything thats in your heart..ask what you want, ask for answers, ask for your pain to go.. anything you feel, tell God.. remember, its not religion ok, if your religious, pray your way if not, just talk ..your cluttered with all sorts of things inside of you, its getting to much, open up, talk in prayer and get it all out..you will then find the answers you said you don't have..stay positive, have faith, hope, courage, strength..I reckon your a great guy with heaps of potential..take control of your life..do one thing at a time to fix things and all will fall in place..talk to me anytime..Im probably not much help, the answers are in you..I'm here to talk whenever you feel like it about anything..

[Deeman88]

Thanks for your time to reply and suggestions, I am very grateful. Life shouldn’t be based on how much you ‘have’ or what situation your in but I fully understand the point you were making, but mine is having a family or even if you had all the money in the world, or all the girlfriends or all the super cars you ever wanted doesn’t mean to will not feel as you have been either. There is no competition and there’s many a days I feel like a waste of space and simply no good to anyone as I am not to myself most of the time But I fully appreciate your reply and will take on board some of the things you’ve said and I hope you take something I say on board too. Thanks again and you know where I am if you ever want to drop me a line!

[Hidden]

Yes you are exactly right!..i totally agree with you..I'm not talking about how much one has either but this is your life and youve accomplished quite a few things you should be proud of and not feel useless nor a waste of space..how could you be?..also,how are you not yourself most of the time?..prayer will get you connected..we all have an inner self talking to us ..its talking to you now...connect and listen to it through prayer..Its your guide..