Rant/story: I really thought I was over the breakdowns :(

[Blunderbuss_bumpkin]

six months now, couple different therapies and couple different medications and I finally thought I had cracked it and could at least live my life like normal again, not waking up every day dissapointed that I was still alive. Leaned on my friends so much that they refuse to talk to me now so I have to keep my mental state a secret from everyone I talk to which just reminds me of the friends I have pushed away. I thought that if I got better and told them that I was better that they would like to talk to me again... I was wrong and it hurst me a lot. Last week I just sent them a message saying that I hope they're okay and that I've made really good progress and I'm basically back to normal again; which I was and I was so happy about it.

Now this: Mum says I should try one of those mental health walks, meet up with some other people and take a short walk around the park twice a month and just talk about or be with like minded people with mental health challenges. I didn't really want to but mum insisted so I agreed, mainly to make her happy. I have no capacity to think about anything at the moment so I just let her handle it all. It was a complete shambles. Walking up to the pavilion alone I felt so uncomfortable because I had no idea who I was meeting or where I was going, mum had told me nothing, what if they had a massive banner saying "haha look at all these weak minded broken people"? Realistically that's the only way I would have been able to find them. What if I sit down on my own for 5 minutes then get up and join the group because I suddenly realise who they are? What an embarrassment and failure. I was so uncomfortable already that I just wanted to disappear. I decided to bite the bullet and texted mum, I tried my best not to be aggressive in any manner but it still came out passive aggressive. I'm so angry at her for causing this and putting me through this but I know that she doesn't know any better and I know the anger is just cause my emotions are totally out of balance. I asked her who I'm supposed to be meeting and she just gave me a name like I'm supposed to know who that is, like I'm supposed to stand up in front of all these people and ring a glass and shout out "excuse me I'm looking for ___ ". It makes me so angry and the truth is that she did cause this and she is an idiot and that I do have a reason to be mad at her but I don't want to be. This story is already too long so I'll cut it short. I say I want to leave she, she doesn't listen, starts wandering around looking lost like an idiot. I ask her to be quite and she say's that I don't meant that and starts talking more and louder about my challenges like she wants everyone to know what a failure I am. She always does the complete opposite of what I want and ask her to do and it makes me so uncomfortable. I focused all my energy on not just breaking down and crying right there, I almost lost that battle. I just left and got out of there. The whole situation brought back some pretty bad PTSD for me too. I want to crawl under my bed and cry again. I thought I was over these breakdowns, I guess I was wrong. Time to start again, better call the doctors on Monday

Thanks for reading this boring and meaningless rant, I'm okay really, just have to stay distracted.

[BrainIsFull]

I am so sorry for your struggle.If I were there, I would offer you a motherly hug and a cup of tea.💚

These mental health struggles are part of our lives and identities but they don't have to define us. You are in a process here and you are learning as you go just as we all are. You will have good /stable times again and you will find friends who accept you on your good days as well as yiur bad ones.

Hang in there. Let yourself feel, distract yourself and contact your doctor on Monday.

You can do this! 💚

I see from your post that you are jydging yourself harshly for having mental health issues, using words like "weak". This podcast episode really helped me to realize how strong we are for choosing to move forward in life while experiencing such unbearable - feeling pain. Maybe it will help you too!

podcasts.google.com/feed/aH...

[Blunderbuss_bumpkin in reply to BrainIsFull]

cheers, self-esteem is something I've been working on a lot. I guess it's just one part of the puzzle though

[Roxylox]

I am sorry you had to experience that. I do think your Mom's heart was in the right place. The company of like-minded people can be beneficial. Instructions on how to meet them were not clear. I still think she came up with a good idea.

[Hidden]

I think your Mom was trying to help you, but I understand why you feel the way you do. I’m from the USA, so I say Mom and not Mum. Both of my parents really drive me nuts sometimes too. I’m way too old to be living with my parents, this was supposed to be only a temporary thing but I’ve been back living with them for about three long years. I’m trying to somehow get a low income apartment, a social worker I’m seeing is telling me many waitlists are closed, there’s a housing crisis going on, and it’s really bad. I am losing hope. I have been working at a part time job and now I’m worried I might have messed that up. I’m tired of just surviving.

[Against_the_current]

Hey i'm sorry. You know what we say healing is not linear. Like i thought i was better mentally and physically, im sick again. And i know that struggle of People not understanding, it's terrible. My friends and family also don't understand. Think im hostile and so. I try to get friends who are also mentally sick because they understand. Sometimes this backflips. And as a mental health profesional in training i can say it's so scary and confusing trying to find a way to help someone. I understand the feelings with mom, i get this of my mom too, but just it's so frustrating when someone close is struggling and you don't know what to do. And hey you're actually really nice, don't underestimate yourself. Love hearing from you. Keep us update, okay

[Blunderbuss_bumpkin in reply to Against_the_current]

Thanks, I've rebounded very quickly so I'm certainly getting healthier but I'm just still so fragile and when I crash I know that I can't keep my emotions in check and get irrationally angry, luckily I can control myself well enough that I keep it inside and don't show it. I know that everyone is trying their best and that we can't always get it right, it's just a matter of dealing with the blows in the moment. Thanks a lot, I know that you of anyone would understand :') in a sort of sad but happy way :/

[Against_the_current in reply to Blunderbuss_bumpkin]

I felt that. Yeah, i do understand... I'm same. My emotions are so fragile and raw and real, it's frustating me and people around me. But it's normal in our coundidion. And we're good people despite this. We are real.. I get feelings of guilt after i felt my anger. And here the loop starts

[Blunderbuss_bumpkin]

Thanks a lot of everyone! I wrote this post then just distracted myself for the rest of the day and have bounced back really quickly! I'm feeling myself again which is great. I think that maybe the reason that the whole situation effected me so much is because the people hosting the Mental Health Support Walk never actually showed up which was the same thing that happened to me on the actual day that I had the breakdown that triggered all this about 6 months ago. The first time I ever tried to go to one was the day that I needed the support the most and I was left, Literally, in the rain, alone and cold feeling abandoned because no one turned up. When I tried to go to one again, in a completely different part of England, and once again no one turned up, I think it just triggered this PTSD and sense of abandonment that so quickly broke me down.

I'm sure that these sorts of events are plenty helpful for many people, but understandably I will never be going to one again. Thanks for all the support and kind words! I guess it's little stumbles like this that help us understand what we need to work on most and where to go from here

I'll ask the doctors to refer me to some mental resilience therapies, I think that needs to happen next.