Pain.... I've experienced pain in both forms. Physical and psychological, like many of us.I've experienced physical pain from stabbings, shootings, beatings and surgeries. No different than many folks here have experienced.
There is nothing more painful to the mind, body and soul than pain from within. Intense and gut wrenching pain that emerges from your mind and heart.
In 1984, when I was just a teenager, one of my parents took their life in order to escape the grip of that internal pain. I've spent many years being angry at that parent for that decision because I never understood that type of pain.
I understand it, I understand it all too well... Now
I couldn't agree with you more. But there are days, like today, where the heart simply bleeds too much. At what point does it bleed out. There must come a point where it just gives
You're not alone in what you're feeling. I won't be graphic, many people read our site. For whatever cold comfort it may be, we two are cogs in a large machine. Not the first to hurt this way. Not the last. The world continues to turn, heedless.
If you really need some cheering up, I'm good to go.
Obsolete - My father did the same when I was 2 years old. I agree with just_keep_swimming - don't give up. There are a lot of people who care about you - like you obviously care about your parent. I never got to know my father, and it hurts. If you feel like harming yourself, please call 988 on the phone. You are here for an unseen purpose and what you are going through right now might give you the means to someday help somebody else overcome their sorrow. The world needs you. Please realize these feelings are temporary. Can you go into counseling? There are options so please don't give up because there are many people who care about you. Sending prayers. 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for your response my friend. No, no thoughts of harming myself but that's only because I'm too much of a coward. As a former medic in the city of New York I've seen death many times over, especially suicides. Nothing glamorous or pretty about it. As a matter of fact it can be quite violent if not done properly. Not something I want to experience. I used to hate my parent for doing what she did but nowadays I admire her strength. But I guess I shouldn't say that because we never know who reads these posts and I certainly don't want to encourage self-harm. But the pain man!, Fuck it just gets harder and harder to deal with the older I get. Today was a particularly bad day and I certainly appreciate having one of the members on this forum listening to my rant and ravings about my shit day. Sometimes the most encouraging people are complete strangers. Thank you my friend for taking the time to respond and giving me your much appreciated advice and comments.... By the way, although I have not responded to many of your posts I greatly appreciate your beautiful artwork and talent
Obsolete thank you. You are no coward in my eyes. You obviously have considerable strength and courage to have gotten this far. It takes nothing short of that for us to do so. I hope you can see your real worth in this world. I am going to be up late tonight, and wanted to tell you you can PM me if you would like. Sending prayers.
I'm so sorry for your pain . You suffered a difficult trauma and this effects our lives in ways we sometimes don't even know.
On top of your personal trauma you were exposed to this on the job. This can cause re trauma and this can be a PTSD reaction. I don't know if you've been given this diagnosis or not.
I had childhood trauma. Then I was exposed to being part of a medical emergency at home. Im a nurse . I worked in a very highly acute area with similar emergency situations like I experienced at home. I didn't realize the cumulative effect that was having on me.
Please seek medical attention. Are you in therapy?
Our physical and mental health symptoms come directly from the emotional trauma, Traveling inward and releasing our emotions are a way of alleviating pain.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and how it effected your life.
Hey Dolphin, thank you soooo much for your response. As a nurse you know full well the psychological stress we endure day in and day out. Yes, I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2008 due to the experiences as a medic. My goal in life was to be a flight medic for "North Star" medical services here in New York/New Jersey but I got burned out before realizing my dream. Like you, I also suffered a childhood trauma (sexual abuse) but I thought I was over it. Unfortunately it resurfaced as I got older. Especially when I was working in the medical field. I just can't fathom that as a 53 year old man I still miss, and need, my mom like I was a child. I feel cheated... I never got to experience the joy of a child with his mother. So I sit and cry, I cry like a child who misses something he never had. I applaud people who can move past their life tragedies. Some of us are stronger than others. I happen to fall into the weaker category
You are not weak. You are stronger than you think.
Thank you for sharing your PTSD diagnosis. It needs different attention than GAD and I hope you are getting some trauma therapy,
My issues came to surface when I was 50. This happens to many people. My coping skills, were no longer effective. I was a workaholic, always on the go at home, and I stuffed all my emotional pain. One of my therapist describe it like stuffing a trash can ... the kids blew off. Another described it as life hit me over the head with a 2x4 telling me I couldn't go on that way.
I never thought I would come back from it all. But, I'm here to tell you I did. I found a new person inside me. I have found peace. It took a ton of work. Therapy, taking courses, reading up on everything I could find, meditation and so much more.
I could write a book. Please hang on. You can do this.
FYI there is a PTSD site here.
I also would like to say I'm sorry you couldn't reach your career dream. That's another part of life that was very painful.
Dolpin, your words do not go unheeded. As someone who has faced death on a daily basis, I know you completely pick up what I'm putting down. I struggle with nightmares on so many levels. I dream about my son, my x-wife, patients who I remember vividly and so on. It's all too much. But I always thought I had a grip on things. During the last 3 years I've come to realize that my "grip" was less tighter than I thought. Shit, I can go on and on about how I thought I was in control of my life...... joke's on me!
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The anxiety is getting really bad. 
I'm having really bad Anxiety
My anxiety today is really bad.
