I was in a terrible place. Like, I was in an abyss, and a hand was holding me by the ankle. I wasn't fighting it. I was just there. I was in so much pain (physical and emotional) that I couldn't see past it. I moved day-to-day in routine. I was there physically, but mentally I was in a dark hole. I wondered where the light at the end of the tunnel was that everyone kept talking of because I sure didn't see it.
The people around me moved quickly, and I barely noticed them. I was alone in the crowd. I always wondered why I was here and when it would end. I was exhausted, and I felt incapable. I felt like a failure. I felt like an aimless, shameful disaster.
Finally, my doctor started me on a new treatment, and I waited for the results. I waited and prayed for this to be what I had been hoping for, yet, I told myself not to get my hopes up because I didn't want to be disappointed again.
At the same time, I started therapy. While attending therapy, I uncovered a lot about myself and my life. I discovered my voice; I remembered my strength. I started developing my independence. I found someone to encourage me to get my power back. I got on medicine to help me focus on one thing at a time. To stop obsessing about things and work on me. I have so many things going on mentally, from anxiety, and depression, to PTSD. It has felt amazing to settle those feelings and thoughts and be able to take on one thing at a time.
While taking this head-on, that new treatment I mentioned before finally started to work. It took a few months, but it did start helping. So now, physically and emotionally, I feel like a person again. I started doing things around the house that I should do. I started being more active, like "normal" people. I started seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.
Currently, I recognize the signs of people around me who say one thing and throw those comments in that are supposed to mess with me. I am clear-headed now. My responses are more, "This is a "you" problem, not a "me" problem."
It's shocking how much I see now that I am thinking differently. These comments would've put me down before. I would've obsessed over what I did wrong, but now I know it's not about me. When someone throws words at you that make you question yourself, that isn't about you; that's about them. Most of the time, the intention is to maintain control. Whatever form that may be. They are trying to keep control of the situation. I have finally come to terms with that.
My life has been a spiral of ups and downs with depression, especially combined with PTSD. Having a good support system has gotten me through the worst times in my life. Having a therapist I "mesh" with has helped me understand, accept, and keep pushing through. I understand feeling suicidal. I understand feeling like you are at the end of your rope. I've been there. I have been at the bottom, and I am thankful, at this moment, I am out of it. I understand that we have ups and downs. We spiral. Please, don't give up on yourselves. I couldn't afford a therapist until recently, so I had support groups that I utilized. In those support groups, I made really good friends, and we helped each other through some really tough times. So many people are going through the same thing. We aren't alone in this. Mental Health, Abuse, Chronic Illnesses, you aren't alone. Please don't give up!
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