How can I ask for freedom and independence from my parents?

[GoldenMaknae97]

I am 23, living with my very strict, Hispanic parents. They let me go out during the day but I have a curfew and am not allowed the stay out. I tried to stay at a friend's house last weekend and my mom was angry and said I couldn't. I am currently working on my master's degree and I wish I had more freedom to do the things I enjoy without feeling restrained and suffocated. Does anyone have advice on how to go about this situation? I can't exactly leave home due to my financial situation, but I also want to have my space.

[FearIsALiar]

Hi! Are you new to the group? I’ve never seen you post on here but if so WELCOME 😊

I am in my twenties as well and living with family. My parents are strict as well but only because they care for me. Do you have a drivers license? That can help you with independence

[FearIsALiar in reply to FearIsALiar]

Also recommend sitting down with your parents and telling them how you feel

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to FearIsALiar]

Hi!! Yes I just joined today. I do have a drivers license but even though I can go out on my own, I still have my mom calling me and messaging me when I am out. I am afraid of confrontation and talking to my parents. I have this dumb fear of difficult conversations which is why I have let myself get bossed around by them and just stay quiet and resentful

[Tryingtofeel in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

That's definitely not a "dumb" fear. A lot of people feel that way. I also hate hard conversations. Sometimes for me it helps to write it down in a letter to this person. I am much better expressing myself in text then I am out loud. Even if you just read it outloud to them at least you get to say what you want.

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to Tryingtofeel]

ahh thats a great idea! I will take that

[FearIsALiar in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

Totally get it! I think you should tell them how you feel though, especially if you want your situation to change.

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to FearIsALiar]

Yes, I guess I’m afraid to open up to them and cry.

[FearIsALiar in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

How do they react when you cry?

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to FearIsALiar]

I haven’t cried to them since I was a kid but last week I did cry and my dad saw me and he didn’t really know how to respond. He seemed confused

[FearIsALiar in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

Well I just hope you know it is okay to cry 💗 don’t be ashamed

[SHCM]

Hello. I have a daughter of your age, and I am also a Hispanic parent, but my daughter has all my trust, she goes out, stays out with her boyfriend. When she goes out we stay in communication not because I want to control her movements but because I want to know she is safe, and she understand that and is okay with it. I used to do the same with my parents. When you talk or write to your parents tell them that they need to trust you, is okay to keep them inform of what you do but only for them to be sure that you are safe, they need to understand that you are an adult, that you are capable of make good decisions. Dont be afraid of tell them how you feel and cry, is part of the process of making things change. Good luck

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to SHCM]

I guess it’s that my mom worries excessively about what I’m doing. One time I went to a football game at the city where my university was at and she told me I’d better not be drinking, even though I don’t even drink. She’s extremely paranoid and over protective and I get that, but I also feel like just doing what I want as an adult. My family is very conservative and thinks it’s not lady-like to be out past 10pm and that has caused a lot of issues in my relationship. My boyfriend is starting to get frustrated with me and I really need to do something about it soon

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to SHCM]

Also, if you were in my position, how would you approach the parents and tel them that hey I’m an adult and you’ve taught me well and I know what’s right and what’s wrong.

[Abutterfly25]

I can relate to living with a parent due to financial issues, and no matter the education ( Associates in Nursing) and age parents have a very hard time with accepting that their children ARENT children anymore. As far as the independence goes I think COVID might be behind their unwavering strictness. Whether it be ti keep you safe or your older family members safe. Staying at home right now is more important. The only suggestion I have is to sit down and try to see what is behind the not wanting you to leave the house. I'm on the opposite side with needing to stay home due to health issues, and my dad going out and inviting people over despite him having a fever 3 times. Even with my medical knowledge he wont listen. Unfortunately, as people on here have reminded me, we can only control what we do, not what others do. I wish I had more helpful advice. I hope your situation improves, and that you and your family stay healthy, safe, and happy.

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to Abutterfly25]

thank you! I am aware of the pandemic being a possible reason, but she was also like this before the pandemic. I understand both perspectives though.

[Afrohair]

That doesn't sound good and very controlling you are 23 years old at that time I had a child and had moved out at 19 it sounds like they may be very strict and don't even trust you ,but they need to let you be free curfews at that age!

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to Afrohair]

I think it's my mom's fear and anxiety projecting. My dad is cool with me being out, but it's my mom that convinces him to take her side. I moved out for college and then moved back after I graduated and ever since then i lost my freedom. I miss being able to do things for myself without having to ask anyone's permission.

[Afrohair in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

It dosent sound a nice situation to be in as in the laws eyes you are now technically a grown up!itS usually mother's what find it hard to let go.is there any way you can have a talk about it without her taking it the wrong way.?when I lived at home my mum didn't like people staying over but when it comes to staying out that shouldn't be an issue as you are not under her roof when you are elsewhere as long as you aren't making a sound on your return and disturbing her I don't see the issue.maybe it's just my way of thinking.do you think maybe if you are out she thinks you aren't concentrating on your studies and that is the reason for curfews.?mums can be hard to understand sometimes I feel or maybe that's just mine lol.

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to Afrohair]

yeah totally! I think my mom just worries something will happen to me if I am out of her watch. but I was literally out of her watch for 4 years in college in a different city and returned with a degree just fine! she says there is no reason to be out late because that's not what decent people do and she throws religion into it a lot...

[Afrohair in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

Yes it sounds like she's doing what a lot of mums do but it can come to a point where it feels controlling .and you don't have freedom.my mums very religious aswell and would say I wasn't allowed to celebrate certain things and very superstitious.The thing is her behaviour will make you want to do what you want more !she does not realise that.in the end despised how my mum treated me when I got to a certain age and it soon became apparent she didn't really want me there and we began to clash which is not good for a relationship.i would explain how you are feeling but beware she might not listen and give you the my house not yours speech which is what I always got .

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to Afrohair]

ah yes!! she always gives that speech, the same old "my house my rules" speech.