Lonesomeness hitting me like a sack of bricks out of no where.

[arcknight]

For the past 3 to 4 years I have been single and mostly fine with it. I haven't made any current and real friends, IE not people I see outside of work. Definitely lonely off and on but mostly not an issue.

The past month or two its hitting me bad, I cant sleep, I cant eat, I feel like I'm dying inside every day. I just feel like being around someone, anyone. It was so easy to hide away for so long but now out of no where I cant stand being alone. This is my own fault for not fostering meaningful relationships. I thought I didn't need them. I cant make this go away over night, there is no quick fix.

How do I fix this? I need to learn how to make friends, and a place to meet people to befriend. Or figure out how to go back to feeling perfectly ok with being alone.

[Hidden]

Hi, Human beings are social animals. We forget that though. I know I've done the same thing you did only I did for a lot longer, a lot longer. Twenty years longer. I let my work life blend into my social life which in itself not a good idea. People at work are not necessarily friends at all. It blew up in my face. I'm working to change that now. I'm finding things have changed greatly on the social level since my college days. Connecting with people often means connecting with them via their devices first. I have that sense of loneliness you speak of even at work for the last ten years. Right now I'm trying to figure how get back at doing the things that gave rise to friendships back in school. Hobbies, common interest activities. It'll take time which for me feels like I've burned off too much. Still this site does help with ideas for breaking the ice with real world scenarios. If you'd like you can count me in as a friend at least till you make real world ones where you live. Just a thought don't feel obligated I won't get my feeling hurt. LOL.

[arcknight in reply to Hidden]

I wont turn down any friend right now.

There is at least one person from work I have become closer friends with. I'm concerned I will overwhelm her with my neediness and she keeps backing out of doing things. I dont have any faith that this relationship will stay long term.

The real issue is I dont have any outlets outside of work to meet people. In my experience friendships just happen naturally. When you are looking for them its awkward and forced, that cant possibly work.

I need to resolve personal things that are eating away at me so I can regain my confidence. Then find something fun to do outside of work that involves other people who are passionate about similar things. When I am focused on doing something I enjoy, ideally with other people, then I think ill form real connections with people and without realizing it ill have friends.

However everyday typically at the end of the day this feels like an emergency. I'm panicking, I'm desperate, the world is collapsing. Even though i can decode my issue and tell my self how to get out I have no choice but to eat the current agony of this world I have created for my self.

[Hidden in reply to arcknight]

You know you have a heightened sense of all the worlds woes because you feel deeply for things. It's a double edged sword. It does tend to leave you feeling depressed and lonely. Still it makes you a better person than others who do things with out caring over the consequences their actions have on the world.

I read your other post about your song. I saw the Youtube video. Gave me insight into you and oddly enough about myself. Thanks for posting that by the way. Feel free to private message me. I will let you know my songs.

[conquestofhappiness]

I'd say this thing really has two sides. I don't have much real friends too (use to have a "real" friend when i was younger, but he took my entire savings and ran away. how sarcastic. LOL) , so I am kinda in the same boat with you.

1. Human beings are ultimately lonely, because there are things out there we have to face all by ourselves. Until we know what our ultimate fears and desires are, and how we should face and handle them properly, we (especially those sensitive ones) would not really find our happiness and inner peace. And all these tasks can only be achieved by ourselves alone.

2. Human beings are social beings. There is a book call "intimate relationships" you might want to read. It often serves as a textbook used by Psychology major, and it is a really good book. It basically says as human beings, we need intimate relationships. At times, we might think we don't need them, but actually, we need them to function properly. If you can't have a good romantic relationship, then you need close friends; you might not have close friends, then you need close family relationships with your parents/children. So, it does not matter what types of close relationships, the point is you must have some in order to maintain your mental stability.

I don't have many friends too, and frankly i am not quite confident in making new friends, because I am a sensitive person and it is hard for me to find a friend who share the same values and interests. But I have super close relationship with my kids, and fairly close to my parents, I guess that helps me to live on. However, from this year, I am planning to meet new friends too.

If you are not super busy, and if you have any hobbies, I guess you can join some weekend/afterwork clubs (i.e. reading, ski, fishing, carpentry, guitar, golf clubs etc), to find someone that shares the same interest with you, and develop your friendship with him/her from there.

[YouareBeloved99]

I've gone through phases like that. First, I think being on here is helpful because it gives you an outlet to share your feelings with people who understand how you are feeling.

Also, it would be easy to say just go out and try new things to meet people. And that might be effective for a time. But ultimately, if you are looking for another person or group of people to complete you, it will eventually fail because we are all human.

I was in that place for a while after my last relationship ended. I felt so sad and like I needed to meet someone else to fill that empty space. But I knew I didn't want to experience that kind of heartache again so I decided to wait for the right person instead of finding someone simply to fill a void. I am still waiting. But in that time, I have found contentment that I didn't realize was possible.

I started out by cutting out everything in my life that didn't lift me up and speak truth into my life. I even cut out my favorite music and some TV shows. Not because they were necessarily bad but because some of the songs made me feel sad and some of the TV shows were all about lying and conniving. They were fun to watch but at that time in my life, even though it was just a show, lying was something I didn't want to fill my mind with. I made up index cards with different quotes, scriptures, sayings, prayers, etc and placed them all around my house so that no matter what room I walked into, I was surrounded by Truth. I spent lots of time praying and redirecting my anxious thoughts to thoughts that were more helpful to me.

Ultimately, I believe that contentment comes from within rather than external things and relationships. Once you find that, I think other people are attracted to that and become naturally drawn to you. I love the verse in the Bible where Jesus says, "I will never leave you." I cling to that when I'm feeling alone.