Depression/anxiety won't stop

[Joshgw]

I can't take this anymore. It's just to much, I've had enough pain. Why wont it stop. Just leave me alone. What do I do? I don't want the ER, the hospital won't help me, I need therapy and life skills. All the hospital does is give you scrubs and feed you. I have no idea how I'm going to work tomorrow. I just cant handle everything i have to do, I also have to call, again, about my fmla and the residential treatment center I want to go to. What if there are no beds, what if they don't take me? I really don't want to go away again, my 12 year-old is always saying, i dont want to be without my daddy. But i have to go. I need to get better. Ive taken pretty much every drug there is, just one right after the other. Ive done ECT, TMS and ketamine. Ive already been hospitalized. Something has to change, what im doing isnt working. I need to break the cycle and try something different. I cant leave my son, a suicide it would kill him, ruin his life. But I have to go away now. I can't wait for fmla. Im dying. Im so depressed and suicidal i need to do something. How am I going to make those phone calls? Im completely overwhelmed and paralyzed. I can't even watch TV. I can't even journal. Is this my life? Do I have to accept I will be like this from here on out? I can't do anything. I cant read, watch TV, go to work, properly take care of my kid and wife.

[Hidden]

I got your 6 sir. I know its hard, I'm slightly there myself right now, wondering why I'm even still here for, but you got to keep fighting. I know its easier said then done, and those fears you have are understandable. I know that sometimes we just feel like we're stuck and don't have anywhere to go, no matter what we do, we're just going in endless circles. I know you don't want to go to the ED, but is there another ED that might have better mental health options or is there a crisis center you can go to or call? Sometimes combat breathing (also called box breathing) helps. I don't know if it works for you or not, and its ok if it doesn't, but count from 1-10. One 1 you breath in , then on 2 you breath out and keep doing that until you get to 10, then count backwards.

[Luna49]

I know that feeling. And it is so hard to leave your family but you must seek help through crisis. There are probably more than one treatment center in your area if beds are full at another, keep trying. You need to be where you can work on yourself while trying to create a treatment plan. Please reach out and tell whomever that you are suicidal, even if you go to your ER. That's what I had to do 4 times ... Twice in crisis and twice in the ER, they had me on a 302 hold each time. Meds weren't working, making me worse. We finally got it straightened out but I lost a year of my life in the process. I never thought I would get better, but I did and I hope you will too. Never give up the fight and please go and get well for you first, then your wife and son.

[catsrock]

I wish I knew what to say to help but know I'm sending you support and hoping that things are much better soon. Also know that there are people who get what you are going through - one thing that helps me is tapping meditation if you are interested.

[Joshgw in reply to catsrock]

Thanks. Ive done guided meditation, but what's tapping meditation?

[catsrock in reply to Joshgw]

It's a way to tap on different pressure points. Here's the web site about it: thetappingsolution.com/ Some of the meditations you have to pay for, but I just do the free ones. The Tapping Solution book is good too.

[punkster]

You sound like you are in crisis mode, and I feel for you. Please do what you need to do ASAP. Also, you need to know that things will change, and your life won't always be this way. Hold on!

[Joshgw in reply to punkster]

Thanks. I've lost a year and a half bc of this. I've had depression for 20-25 years. I was on lexapro for 16 years until it pooped out. My Dr has not been able to stabalise me since. I am going to a residential treatment facility and miss my family terribly. I truly hope you're right that my life won't always be like this.

[Ramon123 in reply to Joshgw]

thinking of you Josh! I'll send you a PM.