My mother-in-law is a conditional, unhappy woman. Last night she hurt my wife with her usual mantra of everyone letting her down and no one meeting her standard—thank you notes, as one example.
Anyway, I look over and see my wife crying and looking like a triggered little girl. She has tried so hard, as the middle and only girl despite her favored two brothers who don’t do shit.
It seems almost abusive, I so wish my wife could protect herself or separate more.
Do, my dear peeps, what is mine I this situation??
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redrabbitniner
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Assuming "Do, my dear peeps, what is mine I this situation??" translates to what do I do, I don't think you do anything.
I'm assuming you all are well into adulthood. At your wife's age, she has to have the unfortunate realization that some relationships are already the way they're always going to be, i.e. her mother is always going to be this way.
She might need to break ties. I did with my abusive parent when I turned 25. She'll feel sorry for her mom and think to reunite, but she just has to remember why she stopped interacting with her in the first place.
Touchy situation. You could protect your wife for now by setting some boundaries with her mother if your wife is agreeable. It’s hurting you to see her suffer. I’m not saying you should tell your wife how to engage with her mother, but if your wife is brought to tears, step in and possibly leave the situation. Together. Sounds like she needs your support. The long term solution would be for her to eventually be able to handle her mother on her own. Possibly talking with a therapist. A third party is sometimes more effective than an emotionally involved partner. 🍀
Hi redrabbitniner I truelly feel sorry for your wife but I would ask what are you doing when this is happening as you are the one who is meant to protect her if you ask your wife if she would want more help regarding her mother I bet the answer is yes so grow a pair and help your wife get better 😊
I stepped in and defended. I also confronted her mom when my wife left the situation upset. It’s less about “growing a pair,” and more about helping/loving my wife so that SHE learns to protect herself.
Yes yes yes. Kudos for defending your wife. You're a good husband and know how to support your wife emotionally. I'm so happy to see your compassion and concern for her mental health.
Once upon a time I walked in your wife's shoes. My husband, at the time, only stood up to her once in 30 years and I'm good with that. She didn't change and she only got worse with age. My sister got her disappointment the most. But for so long we didn't do anything because like most people we were brought up not to disrespect your elders. My sister was in her late 30's, me in my early 40s when we started saying enough. Still no changes for the better just worse. We finally decided that we needed to be healthy and stopped answering every call and text. We had to draw the line. We'd answer some calls here and there.
She died unhappy and alone 1 year ago mother's day. She'd run off all of her friends and family.
My husband has been estranged completely from his emotionally destructive and severely abusive parents for almost 6 years now. It was the BEST DECISION HE EVER MADE!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot stress that point enough, there aren't enough exclamation points to add to that statement in order to justify his decision.
Family members are frequently given free passes to treat us like shit and abuse us like we deserve it or are required to "take it" just because they're "FAMILY". BULL 🐂 💩 SHIT! If a stranger did to your wife what her mother did to her, would you just allow it to go on without repurcussion? Would you stand idly by and say nothing as your wife melted under the weight of a strangers assault? No.
This is no different and frankly it's WAY more mentally destructive as it's coming from a person that is supposed to love you unconditionally, as I know you clearly do because you've posted this cry for help. Family is no excuse for deliberate abuse, which, make no mistake, is what is exactly happening to her.
My husband is 52 years old now. It's taken him years to face the damage they created for him psychologically....he's berely scratched the surface as the trauma and abuse started when he was 6 yrs old and continued for his whole life. He chased his parents affection and love and acceptance for decades while they brutally continued to take advantage of his battered psyche.
It's time for your wife to take back control of her life and get out from under the weight of her mother's wrath. There's nothing else to do but cut the offender off cold turkey. Her Mom will not change, you must try to get your wife to understand she is NOT the problem. She is the victim, but she doesn't have to be a whipping post for her mother's insecurities or favoritism towards her sons at your wife's expense. The mother WILL NOT CHANGE. This I can say with all honesty...it's the brutal truth and the biggest loss will be the mom's. Your wife will finally have the freedom she needs to grow into the independent adult she's been suffocated from achieving.
Your wife must do the changing for her own sake and sanity. It's tough and brutally abrupt...but she will be better off without that negativity. Your support is crucial for her at this moment. I 🙏pray for her to find the peace she sorely deserves.💕🤞
I say all this from a place of compassion, love and experience. It totally SUCKS...BUT you both will be better off in the long run. I promise you that.
O absolutely! I supported my husband before and after his decision to remove himself from the abusive cycles his Mom and dad repeatedly put him thru. I'm hoping my experience can help him to better understand the confusion he's feeling about his wife's situation. I've been where he is and didn't have perspective on the difficult situation that he's sadly going thru. It's so emotional and you feel really helpless. The wife is definitely in control of the process. Maybe he can encourage her to think about her own well-being if she knows he's behind her decision 100% no matter what she decides.
I couldn’t agree more!! My wife is coming along in this thinking and still is trapped, to some extent, in the child/abused role. Thanks for your support!!
Absolutely!!! I empathize and sympathize with you and your wife to the core. We're almost 6 yrs removed from the estrangement and I can attest it's taken that long to make significant strides in his improvement. But it IS happening. He's finally shedding the guilt and shame of his family's burden and I cannot be happier to see him growing into the confident person he deserves to be.
Let me know if there's ANYTHING you need to talk about. I'll help in whatever way I can. Happy holidays 🦃🎄🎁
Hi RRN.Hopefully ur wife decides to put her own needs before the need to please mommy who obviously doesn't praise ur wife.
If she does make that decision all U can truly do is pick up those pom poms & cheer ur lady along & knowing ur backing her up, will make that choice the right choice.
I don't understand how parents still treat their children like 6 year old for the rest of their lives, it's not right.
I take it U've spoken to ur dear wife about what U've seen what her mom does to her & I hope she makes a choice that protects her from mommy dearest.
My mother in law was the woman from hell - she sent her husband out of the church while waiting for me to arrive - told him to offer me £250.00 to leave her son at the altar! (£250.00 was a lot of money in 1968) The offer went up to £300.00 when our first child was born, - she offered it herself, after conning her way into the hospital (which in those days was 1 visitor for 30 minutes between 7.30 - 8.00 pm) I didn't get to see my husband that day - first day of baby blues! Her actions began my fight with depression and anxiety. Strange thing was when she passed away in 1981 - she waited for me to be with her when she died!
This can go either way. I have written so many posts about my In-Laws and how awful they were to me. About how many arguments we got into, how much abuse they put me through, and how disrespectful they were to me. I finally had enough. I distanced myself completely from there for well over a year, I got into therapy and figured out how to really handle things. I figured out things in myself and then handled them head on. We have been on good terms now for two years. Real good terms. They realized they can either get on the same page as my husband and I, or they will lose the relationship with us and our daughter (their granddaughter). We couldn't deal with the disrespect and the bs they were doing anymore. It was causing so many problems. It was childish, and downright abusive. I still can't believe the 180 that happened and sometimes I feel like I still have a bit of a wall up because I'm waiting for something to happen, but meanwhile I am enjoying the peace within our families. When we put our foot down and set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES and set real consequences and showed we were going to stick to them, everything changed 🤷♀️. We were very ready to cut them off entirely if they couldn't stop what they were doing. We were done with that happening in our lives, and they knew it. You dictate what you allow to happen in your life, no matter who it's coming from. And if you have children, you are teaching them how they allow people to treat them. Good luck!
You're welcome. It's so hard when it's family members causing distress. You don't want to cause more problems by stepping in and saying something, but at the same time, by allowing it to continue, you are enabling the situation. As harsh as that sounds. Healthy boundaries are for our own mental health. It's not easy, but it helps so much. I wish you all the best.
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