First post in this group.

[Unhelpfulhusband21]

I'm a husband to an amazing wife that is being destroyed by depression and is unwilling to seek treatment, as she feels she is going to be cast aside, and no amount of begging or pleading is helping to change her mind, she is at the point of wanting to take her life to ease the pain she is feeling and I feel useless and unable to help. Is there any help out there for the position that I am in that isn't going to make my wife hate me because I have chosen to look for help on her behalf. My wife has given me 3 beautiful children and years of happiness, she is my everything and I am terrified of loosing her to this horrible condition.

To clarify on her situation she has a severe anxiety disorder that may or may not have been caused by any of the following. (Loosing her father, her mother and grandmother in her late teens early 20s, being the victim of reported childhood sexual abuse that has gone unconvicted twice (2 separate events, same family), having 2 children with me that have a terminal progressive disability). She has depression that is there all of the time but has spikes when she feels as though she cant deal with the pain any longer, the depression is not linked strongly with her anxiety as she is in a calmer phase in her anxiety at the minute but her depression has spiralled out of control. She most recently has been on venlafaxine that she has stopped taking as she cannot eat while taking it, it causes her to vomit whenever she has any food. She has previously had most if not all of the available SSRI medications, none of which had any lasting benefits, same goes for metazapin. The only medication that seemed to help was diazepam which the doctors refuse to prescribe as it can be addictive and we have young children. She is now refusing to seek any treatment as she feels it is pointless and wont help and that her only way to escape is suicide, she has spoken to me openly about this and I have spent many hours trying to convince her that there may be more help available but she is unwilling to try, it is made more difficult by the fact our gp will only give out an appointment for the same day, so she has no preparation time to help he deal with the obvious anxiety the doctors appointment will cause. I have tried to say I am going to call the crisis team but she says she will refuse to speak to them and knows they cant help her.

I'm lost and stuck and have no idea what else I can do as I feel if i try to go down the line of forced hospitalization i will push her away and she will be left to deal with this all on her own.

Sorry for the long post, i hope there may be something that you guys can recommend as I'm broken, scared and lost. Thanks for reading.

[Dolphin14]

I'm so sorry. This is a very difficult situation. Your wife has had many issues that it's no wonder she suffers.

Is she refusing therapy? Does the GP do yearly physicals as same day appointments? That doesn't seem possible so Mayb you can book a physical just to get her in the door?

Where do you live? In the US if she has a suicide plan she can be held for treatment. I know you don't want to do this.

You need to go see a counselor and get some help. They will help you with this.

I understand the Valium issue. It's too bad she can't have it to get her out the door to get help. But, with the kids and the talk of suicide it doesn't sound like a good plan.

[Lulububs]

Hey

I will say ur wife has a very wonderful husband .. that she even talk to u about her mental health it a start most people do not speak about it at all...

I was in same position as ur wife about 10 years ago, more of less many of the same reason u listed... i had put it all to back of my mind to try to push itdown and ignore it then my dad died and i lost my job and i had a mini breakdown, i say mini coz it could have got so much worse but my husband and mum recognised it and they basically knew they wouldnt get any help from a gp as I would have to wait 6 weeks to see someone and i was to far gone...

They booked me a therapist that also did hypnotherapy... it took me a while go get into it as i spent the first three times just stairing at her wall...

then on 4th i started talking ... and talking and with the hypnotherapy to which helps u to deal with the anxiety and coping mechanisms aswell i literally changed!!

It took me about 3 months but i just kind of snapped out of it... i went every week my husband and mum paid and i got to say i never can thank anyone enough for what they did coz I dont think i would be here now...

Sometimes waiting for nhs referals( which u will not get therapy anymore on nhs anyway so ur b just wasting time) or for a gp to help her is just not enough..

Take it into ur own hands, book it and tell her ur taking her ... she may not like it and may not say anything at first but she will....

Never underestimate therapy... it give u the chance to off load and speak to someone that not goin to judge u and she may want to say things about u and children which she would never say out loud to u.

I still go 10 years down the line .. to keep my mental health stable .. once every 6 weeks and i have been fine every since...

I still suffer anxiety but i have the coping skills to get out that rut now

[PositiveThoughts100]

This is a scary position to be in. If she is talking suicide, and especially if she has a PLAN of how she would do it, this is serious. When you're severely depressed (like it sounds like your wife is), you are not in your right state of mind. I know she thinks it is worthless to get help, but this could be the depression speaking, especially if she is not taking any medication right now (as you said, it makes her sick). I don't know where you live, but you may need to consider getting her involuntarily hospitalized. Look up the Mental Health Act for where you live, as there are provisions for people who are at immediate risk of harm to themselves.

[lillyofthevalley37]

Can I ask if your wife is on the menopause?

[hatemyhead]

you are in a very difficult position, both of you need help, unfortunately anything you do to help her is going to be met with the irrational fear and paranoia that you are working against her. firstly, if you have any weapons in the house you need to disable them. gently keep assuring her that you and the kids need her to be around very much. understand that she will have feelings of disconnection and impending doom. try to get into a good psychiatrist in your area, the gp is a great first line doc but she needs more, the psych will know what different blends of meds to utilize for her condition. as it sounds as if she needs a combo. keeping your children in her foreview will help to appeal to her natural mother instincts.

I would only use the crisis line as a last resort because they will send someone over to assess her and that may exacerbate your situation, however if she is about to harm herself or anyone in the house then you need to call. otherwise proceed gently and try any way you can to get to a psychiatrist, often your gp can give a referral to get you in somewhere quicker, which is what sounds like you need. I feel bad for you, good luck and prayers.

[Hidden]

U sound like a wonderful loving husband trying to help the wife u love so much😊

I don't know her but I feel her pain as I've lived with severe depression for 26 years,severe chronic pain,Dystonia n etc,been through hell n back with docs n meds.im a med disaster but I'm also here struggling daily too.Additionally I'm also here to comfort n be a ear to listen to others like me.U or her can message/chat me if u would like to bs.

U guys aren't alone.

[StressedAF72]

just a tip on the venlafaxine or any med that upsets the stomach- take it before bed. This way you sleep through any initial nausea.

Also, venlafaxine is most helpful when taken every day around the same time.

[Willowbrooks]

Hi. This must feel very hard for you especially having three children as well. I have lost 2 people in my life to suicide so I do not underestimate how your wife talking openly about this must make you feel. She probably is not in a place with her mental health to think clearly or even acknowledge that any treatment can help her. It's hard to assess because you are so emotionally tied up in the whole situation and may feel damned if you get her help and damned if you don't. I may be wrong but worrying about how she will feel about you if you get her assessed and she is retained for treatment might not feel as bad as if you hold off and she were to take drastic action that is irreversible. We never really know what someone is capable of doing and in my personal experience its shocking and even 30 years later I still find myself thinking what did I miss, what could I have done etc. I wish you strength and hope you can get the support you need to help make the right decision, or even for someone to be able to make it on behalf of your wife and yourself.

[Nothing_but_books]

I think in your situation I would offer my wife choices rather than a fixed plan.