Multicultural and struggling

I have a complicated identity, and lately, it has really, really been negatively affecting my mental health. A bit of background: I'm a dual citizen, currently living in a different country from the one I grew up in but planning to move elsewhere further away soon, speak different languages, and have lived in very, very different cultural settings. I'm so thankful for all my experiences, the places I've been to, and the people I've met. HOWEVER, after a lifetime (I'm almost 30) of never 100% belonging anywhere, I'm feeling beyond exhausted, and for the first time in my life, the thoughts of suicide have been crossing my mind as a solution to all the loneliness, the depression and anxiety this lifestyle has caused, and most of all, the lack of belonging and feeling that I never fully will. I often feel "too much and not enough" -- too much of a culture for some of my loved ones, not enough of another culture for others. I have an awesome therapist and psychiatrist, so I have that kind of support. But not from my loved ones. It's a lifetime of trying to fit in, trying to explain how different my life is in another culture, of never feeling at home elsewhere, and I'm just so tired. Honestly, I would gladly move to the moon if I could. I often hate myself for letting this affect my mental health negatively, and for feeling it's my fault for struggling to deal with my multicultural life and identity, and that's when I feel really hopeless. Anyone has similar experiences and how have you dealt with how it affects your mental health?

[Hidden]

Well, I haven’t been through what you have, but I can tell you suicide is never the answer to anything!!! It leaves the people who love you feeling devastated. My uncle who was my godfather committed suicide. It was terrible. I miss him so much. He did not have to do what he did. Please get these thoughts out of your mind. Believe that you were put on this Earth for a reason!!!

[designguy]

Sounds like you are suffering from low-self-esteem and low-self-worth and would really benefit from cultivating a relationship with yourself and taking care of yourself. So many of us were never taught those skills or were shamed and even punished for trying to take care of ourselves. Learning what emotional baggage you are carrying around with you can allow you to choose what is unhealthy and replace it with constructive healthy beliefs is very helpful. Taking care of yourself and putting your needs first is not selfish as so many of us have been taught. Also learning what beliefs and untruths you have bought into from society and cultural conditioning can help you eliminate the destructive ones that aren't serving you. You might find therapy very helpful and there is also a lot of good info/videos on youtube about all of this. Now sounds like a good time for you to take the time and address your mental and emotional health and heal that first. Life is an inside job and the most important relationship is the one we have with ourself. Commit to heal and take care of yourself and it won't matter where you are.