It has come to a head...

[RupertBrown]

I guess this is more of a call for support than anything else. A situation that has been brewing (for a few years now, if I'm being honest) has now reached a tipping point. The die has been cast, and while it's not fully resolved, things can't go back to the way they were. This marks a big change in my personal life. On the one hand, while my having to face this now was somewhat out of my control, I am proud that I've been able to keep it together in the face of personal conflict. It wasn't easy and I'm already starting to second guess myself. But in my time here I have learned some important lessons. That we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be. That if you don't set your own boundaries, some people will assume you have none. That life is too short to allow negativity in. These seem so obvious, but given my childhood, I have struggled. These next few days are going to be a big test for me. I only hope I come through them a little stronger and wiser.

[Blueruth]

ominous

[RupertBrown in reply to Blueruth]

It was not meant to be. I am concerned (read: paranoid) that too many details offered may actually complicate matters. It's probably a baseless fear, but as I am in the thick of things right now, a little discretion is for the best. I will likely have more to say once this business is behind me. Or maybe not.

[Roxylox]

Judging by your post Rupert Brown , you already seem strong and wise to me. I love your take on boundaries. Wishing you well.

[RupertBrown in reply to Roxylox]

Thanks Roxylox! Managing appearances has become second nature to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm a little too good at it. The next few days will be a major test for me. How well I can put into practice what I've learned here. Thanks for the kind words, they are very much needed and appreciated right now.

[Agora1 in reply to RupertBrown]

Hi Rupert, after reading your post, I feel the same as Roxylox. Keeping yourself together, setting boundaries are very important

key steps in addressing your situation. I wish you well. Stay focused,

stay safe. xx

[RupertBrown in reply to Agora1]

Thanks for your kindness Agora. I needed the reminder to stay focused. One of the bigger reasons I'm in this situation is that I always put others first, as I'm too afraid of confrontation. Now that confrontation has arrived, a little focus will serve me well. Thanks again, as always.

[Ramon123]

Thinking of you as you navigate this current life challenges. Here if you need to chat.

[RupertBrown in reply to Ramon123]

Thanks for the kind words.

[Hidden]

I hope whatever is happening that you can weather the storm. Life can really throw us curve balls sometimes. With this crazy Covid pandemic I believe it’s affected a lot of people in a very negative way. We’re all going crazy in one way or another. I’m currently trying to apply for some part time jobs. I hope I find something.

[RupertBrown in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, I will weather this storm one way or another. It's been a long time coming and I always knew how unpleasant it would be. Still found myself feeling unprepared. I was able to repectfully establish some firm boundaries and buy myself some time to calm down. Hopefully I will have the strength to see this through. Glad to hear about the job hunt. You'll find something soon, you got this!

[Hidden in reply to RupertBrown]

Thank you so much. Wish me luck, I’m going to need it!

[RupertBrown in reply to Hidden]

Good luck! 💪👍

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Good luck with the job hunt, btw!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you.

[TrustYourSoul]

You Are Strong!

You Will Succeed!

[RupertBrown in reply to TrustYourSoul]

Thanks, I love this!

[Hidden]

H RupertBrown,Wow! This speaks to me (and I don't even know your situation). I can say, though, that I am very proud of you for keeping it together! I too have come to a sort of climax in a big situation in my personal life that has lead to a lot of what you talk about here (your words "on the other hand" down to the end explain it perfectly). You have done so very very well! One of the words my trauma therapist told me yesterday is "survived". I survived my situation! I am still here!

You survived your situation! You are still here!

[RupertBrown in reply to Hidden]

Part of me knows that when the smoke clears in a few days the sun will keep rising and setting. I will move on, for better or worse. While that thought brings me some solace, it doesn't make what I have to do any easier. While this situation is pretty high on the list of unpleasant things I have survived, it is not the worst. There will always be that one thing at the top of that list. And while that thing has caused me so much turmoil and pain, I have often drawn a wierd kind strength from it. If I could survive that, I can certainly survive what I'm going through now. I appreciate the support and thank you so much. God knows, I could use it right now!

[Hidden in reply to RupertBrown]

You're very welcome. I love your words "...I have often drawn a weird kind of strength from it". I am just now getting to the point where I can recognize that my situation is making me strong. The pain and turmoil it has caused me as been too immense for words, but you are so right about this silver lining (as teeny and God-awful hard to find as it is). My trauma therapist used the words "you survived!" Never two truer words spoken for this situation.

[TheGalician]

IThe die has been cast is such a beautiful expression. I had always thought the word was dye rather than die (as dice) which seemed to me give more sense and meaning of Caesar’s decision to cross the Rubicon against the wishes of the Senate. But, when I reflected on the word, it seemed to me so beautifully put as suggesting some life and death struggle in a game of chance. It reminds me of Kiplings poem “If”.

This seems an important time in your life where a new dynamic is emerging. It also seems to speak directly to the words of your profile which speak of that life struggle. Even if the die is cast there are still many ways to play the game. Have you ever used the I-Ching to better understand the deeper dynamic of a situation and how best to approach your next move?

[RupertBrown in reply to TheGalician]

Ok, so I have to confess that I may have simply misspelled the word. Though its based on an accident, your point remains valid. There's a reason why using games of chance as metaphors for life's struggles is so popular. It is often very apt. There's a song by Sting, "Shape of My Heart", that does so beautifully, moreso than I ever could.

It more like a dynamic in my life is dying, and the time has come to put it out of its misery. New things will arise to fill the void left by its passing. That thought scares and excites me.

I went through a time when I was barely more than just a kid that I was heavily influenced by Eastern philosophy. It very much shaped my temperament and attitudes as an adult. I've never read the actual text but have read several books about it and the ideas put forth in the I Ching. It is debatable how well I have managed the fallout of my childhood trauma. But I know it would have been worse without internalizing lessons from the East, the "Watercourse Way" in particular.

At any rate, glad you founf something useful/noteworthy in my post. Reading your reply and writing this one have helped me keep some perspective on things. Right now that is saying a lot! Thank you.

P.S. I'll be revisiting that Kipling poem!

[curly-quavers]

Hi Rupert, Thank you for sharing your situation with everyone. You have made new friends who have your back and interest at heart. Take each day at a time and know you can always check in with anyone of us for support. You only have one life and you deserve to be happy and have the best in life. Get rid of the negatives that cause you grief, there is always light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there and be happy. you are not alone. god bless you and sending hugs your way.🥰🥰

[RupertBrown in reply to curly-quavers]

Thanks for the kindness and support. I know the folks here have my back. And sometimes that is a huge deal. It is remarkable to think how much positivity can come out of a little communal empathy. "...deserve to be happy...", you said. That is something I have been reminding myself of constantly lately. Oh, what I would give to be one those people who doesn't have to. How does this just come naturally to some, while others struggle so much with it? Thanks again for your kindness, in times like these it is everything.

[hannah1987b]

You willCome

Through this stronger and wiser! Just breathe through the hard parts and the voices in your head when you start to second guess yourself. It’s self doubt creeping in that’s driven my fear and maybe abandonment issues from childhood. I’m rooting for you . Take care of yourself xx

[RupertBrown in reply to hannah1987b]

Thanks for your kindness and support, they are very much needed. I am familiar with the tricks your mind can play on you. I will try not to let them get the best of me. It is time to just put my head down and go!

[Welshman71]

Hi Rupert,

Thanks for reaching out to our community as you will find lots of help aswel as new friends here as you know,

I really do hope everything works out for you and that you concentrate now on yourself and your situation which sounds like you are doing a great job of by the way,

I hope to read more in the future of how you have held yourself together in this remarkable was especially with your situation,

All the best mate 🙂👍🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

[RupertBrown in reply to Welshman71]

Thanks, I appreciate the support. I am one who has to think everything to death before acting. This is part of what got me into this mess I find myself in. Though circumstances make it difficult, I hope to resolve this issue like a gentleman and once I have, turn the page. Given some time to process events and figure out what I've learned I will likely have more to share. In the meantime, I really do appreciate the support. I will need it.

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry your going through this Rupert. I'm glad you know your pain is validated, and you have value and are worth being treated with dignity. Change is hard and it's an unstoppable force in life... learning to go with the flow of it is very hard sometimes. And it can seem like a punishment, or failure to some... but it can also be a learning experience. I thought I had a great marriage... and then I didn't. Sometimes change in the end can be an open door for something better. But dealing with the hear and now is how we survive the process.

[RupertBrown in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks fauxartist. Your last sentence really is the crux of the matter. Here and now. That's where I struggle. I'm always rehashing the past or concocting some idyllic future that can never be. It is literally how I live my life most of the time. I will try to stay focused on the task in front of me. Thanks for the perspective!

[Tara52]

Praying for God's wisdom and a peaceful outcome for you.💗

[RupertBrown in reply to Tara52]

Thanks so much, I pray for that as well.

[No1wthayla]

There is only so much a person can face and not realize it's okay to let some of it go/end. Fight for yourself and let go of everyone who doesn't support you. The jackals who try to hold you back will try to suppress your will and make you feel worthless. Push them back into the woods and fight your way free. Even if this means being alone, so be it.

I have faced recent challenges where I had to make some hard decisions. And I had to bite my cheek and play like I wasn't terribly upset by it. Though internally I was raging at the stupidity of a person's actions, I couldn't show my disdain and scream at them. I was originally very angry and depressed.

But I found I like being free of those who didn't care about my feelings. But I made it so far.

Rupert, you are strong and I see success in your future. Just don't give up on you and what you want. Prayers, hugs, love and light.

[RupertBrown in reply to No1wthayla]

That first line in your reasponse pretty much sums up where I am right now. Things have reached a breaking point. I'm tired of going against my gut. I'm ready to do what I feel is right and damn the consequences. There will be time to sort it out later. But I know I'm done giving others power over me.

[No1wthayla in reply to RupertBrown]

I agree completely! Do what you feel is right.

[Midori]

Spot on self assessment! Please continue to be strong.

Cheers, Midori

[RupertBrown in reply to Midori]

Thanks Midori. I hope you are right and I will try.

[catsrock]

I am proud of you. Keep setting those boundaries and stay strong.

[RupertBrown in reply to catsrock]

Thanks for your kindness and support. This is all unfamiliar territory for me. I know others have much bigger problems. But I've never been in a situation like this and it's hard not to second guess myself.

[Pel3749]

Hi, It’s seems to me that you are very strong and smart minded. If you need to talk or want a friendly smile I will be here. God bless

[MSanon]

It sounds like you can use some tools to help with your thoughts....

Some that have helped me are : writing your feelings in a journal, replace critical parent fear (false evidence appearing real) based thoughts with nurturing parent type encouraging thoughts like "I can do this !", when you have sticky thoughts, repeat to yourself "reduce importance" . If that does not stop the sticky thought, write out "reduce importance" 30 times. Antedote to self pity as well as victim mentality is Gratitude. Gratitude journal.

Check out Eckhart Tolle videos online, Sunny Sharma and Dr Joe Dispensa. The latter hasvery helpful books , one of which comes with a guided meditation cd ,called Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. Book called "Choosing Easy World: A Guide to Opting Out of Struggle and Strife and Living in the Amazing Realm Where Everything is Easy" by Julia Rogers Hamrick.Quick read and very helpful.

I hope at least one of my suggestions helps you. You got this !!!

Onward and upward !!!

[RupertBrown]

Thanks MSanon. I will look into those books, though the title of the second one sounds too good to be true.

[Moonira]

Very wisely written words.....can relate to so many things.