I wake up and i want to cry

[Against_the_current]

I can't move out. I'm agoraphobic and getting used to a new place would be hard, and fatigued and can't pack all my stuff. And dad would have to search for the new place and pay for it. And i like this place. And i came here so i don't live with mom or dad.

Wondering which city to get my masters's in. I just hope she moves out by then the and hoping i can get a good job and have my own place.

I don't even know whether the anxiety is her or it's just htere. I always feel in danger. At home, at school, here. Feeling like a rabbit in a room with tigers.

[Hidden]

sure both.....doesnt matter......we all get used to being tense...know who we feel super safe with and those who push our survivor or tension buttons...as a teacher i used to have to work with all horses and all students....not practical.....so i know there are those i dont get on with and those i do...same with jobs and bosses......some are jerks and some are great mentors...and ill do any job for them to work on their teams.........all im saying is i can appreciate the anxiety and uncertainty....we get used to knowing what works for us and not....bad when others push their values and assume what works for them is a universal...its not obviously....we have find what we can deal with and get used to...all jobs are tense and i have to stick it out....later relax more and more as work out all the variouables......the first part is always trhying be it new job or classs or anhyting...hopefully someday ull have people make life less threateing (i have them in my life and they are....threatening..) and find how or situations that suit me not others....sorry its not their lfe...the liketo preach tho........finding our elements and niches in nature...pelicans arent very good seed collectors but great fishermen....lor women..........hang in there ..super soory im not better in words to .........but...sure not atgainst u......we all pullng for u as we would in the feelowship ......imtaking this rainy day to reorg my shed......lol....put my dresser i salvaged from a hotel they were tearing down ....on my home made desk....and same with salvaged refig.....now have more space..but one has to have none linear non logial thinking...maybe i can find a small hot water heater and plumb in from outside....this winter maybe find wood stove i can pupt outside ..plumb through the wall and have heat this year......ooh ..i be sooo spoiled....toaster i got from the hotel salvage and a microwave....using old panels for my paintng backgrounds....my coats i got at the library give away.....fond my bed in a dumpster....have a couch from the hotel...traded labor to get it here..........slow u5 steady..its frustrating but ur way bright ....u can use that huge brain of urs to fig out someothing that works for u.......my cane is great PPE- the kids on the street give me a wide berth......and help;s on slick footing and ice....not not not not not saying its easy.....but....ur super smart.........u can fig arond the problems.....sure of it....but we love to gab so knock anytime.......hav tea outside cooking in th solar pot........Brig ...thats u man i have noooo money and share half my saltine cracker with the mouse my only friend......sooo get it.......soooo hard brig.....i try to be postive but seem soo ardous and sooo scary uncertain and.....anying coud go wrong and im tired not sleeping exhausted and hard to feel confident...

soooooooo get it.........really.....i do ....i doooo know its easy for me to say ....i do do......why i am so thank ful others are heere ...they say it better....take care

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Yeah. Bad thing is that a lot of People give me insane anxiety and nobody makes me feel safe

[Hidden]

trouble is..we have to use words...right? super PIA......sooo get it....soooooo get it...(been in survival mode many times for years and years.....on the street etc....where i dont want u going)....sooo get....not not not not saying its not justified....no one needs or want the lectures....ur not wrong.......some times i grab anything ..an old coat and hold it....my security blanket....i do whatevr gives me any edge against the fear....get it get it get it......do whatever u thik might help slomeone in ur shoes......what would make them feel better or help them cope........ur an old cop and run into someone scared to death....i KNOW u wont lectrue them......what would make them feel safer? Ur the old street cop now....

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

I'm really in the survival mode and it's making me cause more problems