I can't defend myself. I can't soothe myself. I can't make a desision. I can't stick to it. I ask everyone what to do and then panic cause they say different things. I can't defend my space. I can't defend myself and my desisions. I can't love myself. I need reassurance. I was a baby my parents left and nobody calmed. And i keep on crying. I wasn't comforted then and i can't comfort myself now. I'm weak. I'm going insane and therapists are messing me more. I'm trying so hard to heal but Who sees. My roommate doesn't. And i can't move uot just now. And in the new place i would be the same. I m sick of running. Feeling in danger in my own homes. I always did. I feel like a rat. Always hiding. I'm a damn human but i'm treated like something less. And i just try to run. And hide. I'm tired of it. 3 years i didn't cook because i was afraid. 3 years i hid in my room or stayed ta parents. And she arrived just when i got sick of it.
Called my therapist. She said I should have went without knowing the story, i told her it's making me feel worse and she said in a mocking voice "oh i'm so sorry, please forgive me, i'm so sorry". Tried to talk to a friend, she said therapists Suck and she s going to her psychiatrist and i felt worse. And she cancelled to see me. I tried to speak to other friend, she said she's unwell herself and started telling me about her boyfriend. I had nightmares about my roommate all night and can't stop vomiting
And searching for reassurance i get to ppl Who only confuse me more, sometimes they say things that are upseting or confuse me more, like my grandparents who told me it's okay i didn't go to visit as i was on a training but i actually couldn't go to the training because i was crying and vomiting. Or my friends who complain themselves. But there is worse - the guy who tried to scam me and predators. Recently on social media i'm getting a wave of them. Act like will help and then want pics, disturbing
