I'm home and panicing

[Against_the_current]

I'm here. I told her i want to go to the supermarket to buy stuff to make pancakes but mom left no money. She told me to take from hers, i told her i don't want to take hers, she said she was at dad's and dad gave them to her cause the baby ate hers. I paniced so damn hard. I'm still panicing. I lost my appetite and feel like i'm going to throw up. I need to hide this panic. The baby. And she was at dad's. Was it just a visit or did she had troubles with mom and had to escape and deal with the baby there. I went outside, i was feeling like i'm gonna puke in the supermarket, i can't breathe. I went outside, got back, took a med, hugged by rabbit,lit a candle and prayed but i'm still losing it.

Yesterday when i arrived nobody welcomed me. Mom was asleep probably drunk and sis was outside probably escaping it. I hope it's just probably not real. I'm panicing hard since yesterday. And seeing no money scares me too. I just hope they're in mom's card.

I got accepted for a job in university city. I'm here so i haven't confirmed it. Also texted my grandparents a lot and i'm scared mom will find out and go mad.

Heeeelp

[Hidden]

All I can say is take one day at a time. Don’t jump to conclusions. Sometimes to know is to know that you don’t know.

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Really. I'm trying to predict and control days ahead and it's driving me crazy

[Stellaluna221 in reply to Against_the_current]

I hear you. When you’re used to the bottom falling out you’ll do anything to help prevent yourself from experiencing those feelings again. I did the same thing and would always try to map out the situations I was going to be in and plan for every possible outcome for years and years so I wouldn’t feel that panic and anxiety. Honestly, it’s impossible to plan for everything so what can happen to people like us, is you’re causing your own panic and exhaustion without even realizing it.

It’s amazing that you’ve been accepted for a new job! It sounds like you need something for you that’s grounding and confidence building to help you focus less on the environment around you as much as possible (trust me, I know it feels impossible sometimes). My suggestion is to embrace the job and focus on taking care of yourself first. Remember, you can’t control anything but you.

[Against_the_current in reply to Stellaluna221]

Thank. I really needed to hear this