I don’t know who needs to hear (read) this, but creating boundaries aren’t just for strangers or acquaintances; it’s for family too.
Sometimes those whom we love tend to be our downfall when it comes to our mental health. Just think about it. They know you. They know your likes/dislikes; therefore, they know what can/will trigger you. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t trust or begin to mistreat our family/friends, but rather we should be protecting our heart and peace of mind by forming boundaries. Understand that the word “No” is a complete sentence. And don’t blame yourself or feel guilty if they don’t understand.
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LavenderRoot
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I absolutely agree that we need to protect our heart and peace of mind (mental health) by forming boundaries, even for family members with the best of intentions to help. They may never understand that the word “No” is a complete sentence. Not blaming yourself or feeling guilty if they don’t understand is sage advice. The hardest part is dealing with a festering relationship as a result. 🤨
It can be extremely difficult dealing with the aftermath of creating boundaries. It puts us in a position where we feel like we have to stand up and protect ourselves against the very people we should feel safe and secure around. Now I will say the good thing is creating boundaries will quickly show you who’s there for and who isn’t. We have to be honest with ourselves and know when it’s time to let go of those who threaten our peace. Although it’s easier said than done, just remember it can be done!
Brilliant... who better to know what buttons to push than family. It's true that many of us here do have family issues.... it's knowing when to say 'No', without the fear of repercussion. My mother was an expert at gaslighting and manipulation. It took lots of therapy to finally hear and believe that truth. I always wanted something from her that she wasn't able to give. I spent most of my life trying and hoping for something that was never going to happen.
Finally, I learned to just say 'No'... and yes... there was the usual... complaining, guilt-tripping, and running a game on me emotionally.... but the end result was that for me, I finally was able to take back some power I so freely gave away hoping for some kind of recognition or acknowledgement that never had in the past, present, or future that was going to happen.
Learning to let go is very hard when you have emotional abandonment issues... but the freedom it affords you and your self-esteem is what's most important in the healing process. Giving yourself permission to love yourself enough to break the chains.
Yesss! I especially love what you said at the end, “Giving yourself permission to love yourself enough to break the chains.” That is so powerful!
I can relate to be controlled and manipulated by a parent. In my case it’s my dad. I love him with all my heart, but his narcissistic traits impacted my life significantly.
Right now I’m in the process of healing, accepting and loving myself for who I am.
It is always going to be a work in progress for me... but getting to the finish line isn't as important to me anymore, as is the journey along the way that seems to be the most rewarding to me. Meaning... I may never recover from CPTSD, or trauma... but I can be happisher and not let it define me... I am okay with that...
Always remember - The people who are the most upset about you having boundaries are the same people that benefited the MOST by you not having any. It's a process and a journey.
Two years ago I had to drop the rope with my Mom. Her narcissism only got worse and worse as she experienced several rounds of severe bipolar 2 symptoms. She sees me and treats me as purely a means to try to get her needs met. I have no value as an independent person. I would grit my teeth and try to comply with her demands but whatever I did was never enough. And she is like a black hole, you can never fill her up. My spouse jokes that her love language is capitulation. I would agree to do something for her, and then she'd try to add stuff on top of that. Then she'd call again the next day demanding more, more, more. I could never visit long enough, or do enough, or be thanking her enough or whatever she felt slighted about.
Finally, exhausted from trying to placate her to no end, I had to step back. "If nothing is good enough, than nothing it is." For my own health, and the health of my family. She was in her 4th round of psychosis, the 3rd only 2 years before that. From experience, I learned nothing you can do can help her until she comes out of it, and even then, she's still extremely narc. I have made sure she has her basic needs met of shelter, food, full-time live in carer. And my golden child brother continues to put up with most of her demands on his time by her.
I'm not the first, she had already been cut off by her two sisters and a few former close friends. My biggest fear was that she'll cut me out of her substantial will. My enabler father chose to leave it all in her hands instead of standing up to her before he passed. Sadly, she is still in active psychosis after 2+ years - a record for her. Maybe, if/when she comes out of this state, I will reach out. But until then, we are at a stalemate.
Love this post. Sometimes we continue to hold on and forgive those who are closest to us, just because they are family and friends. It took me until I was 22 to even begin establishing boundaries or hold people accountable for their inexcusable actions. It gets tiring letting people walk over you because of they are simply, family. Once I began to establish boundaries, with the help of an amazing therapist, my life has drastically altered for the good. This is a powerful message to everyone who questions themselves.
I desperately need to do that with my two adult children. I let them bum money off me all the time. It’s hurtful they would even do it. They know I’m on disability but seem like they feel entitled to have it. I can’t say no because I wish someone was there for me like I am for them. But I am behind on my rent and bills too. I have to tell them enough is enough. So I’m definitely doing this to myself. They need to rescue there damn selves. We’re talking thousands of dollars. I need a car but I can’t afford it. It’s just wrong. I have to pick a day to just tell them both how I feel and take my stand. I’m feeling better just thinking about it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m the youngest (31 yrs old) of four, and I’ve witness a couple of my siblings try do this to my mother. My mother and I have a great relationship and I set aside time for her to lean on me if needed. She respects my boundaries and I respect hers. One day I saw my mom finally put her foot down, and basically told my siblings that enough was enough. Since then one of them is distant, and the other seems to treat her a lot better.
I hope one day your children realizes how valuable and important you are. I hope they learn how to respect your boundaries, accept the word “NO” and remember to cherish you because we only get ONE Mom. ❤️🌻
It also took me years to figure this out. I always felt the need to explain myself, but I realize that need came from a place of fear and a lack of self love.
I would also like to add to this and don't apologize for it either. We are programmed to say sorry. Even if it's for our benefit that we need time to ourselves we have to apologize for it. And no we don't. You need time to get away, need time to recuperate, don't want to be around those people, etc We need to stop apologizing for it. And just say no I can't come. No I won't be doing that. No but thanks for the invite.
My dad is a narcissist and he's a bit like Forrest Gump. He's slow. But when he wants something and if he knows I have it. Like I got him a Father's Day gift. He wants his gift and he wants it now. Problem is he doesn't understand that I have anxiety I can't just drive it over to his house. Plus I don't really like his house all that much. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I haven't been welcome to his house in 7 years and that was because of his then wife. She hated me but now she's dead. He now has a new girlfriend but she hovers around him and it drives me insane. So with that said I have a gift for my dad and he wants a gift. He doesn't understand what anxiety it takes me a while to prepare myself. I have to hide myself up I have to get my fiance to drive me over there. Yes it's less than a mile and a half but still I need to mentally prepare myself. But he will be annoying. He'll call my phone he'll ask me when I'm coming what time everything. And for someone who has anxiety that can be triggering. But I have learned to play his game. So when I told him I have his gift. He immediately asked what time you going to drop it off and I said I'm not sure how about the morning he says I said okay. But then I realized wait I don't have to do that. I call him back and I tell him morning might not be good for us. Because my fiance works in the morning and I don't know exactly... He interrupts me and goes what if I pick it up now? And I said if you come here to pick it up right now? Yeah sure that works no problem. So he came over to my house and got his gift. So my anxiety was calm and normal. He's not the only one that can do that too. 😂
I agree! We are definitely programmed to apologize for things we should not be apologizing for. It’s very difficult establishing boundaries with parents. I think you handled your situation very well. 🙂
One of the hardest parts is when other people don't understand, especially around the holidays. It can be really awkward, especially around folks who think family is everything, because they are fortunate to have good families.
my family didn't understand that I was female when I was growing up and when I told them they said that I was crazy it felt like they didn't even try to understand and none of them believe me still but I don't need them they hurt me a lot a sorry we didn't understand you could have helped anyway I got a kitten and he needs me and I need him and that's all the family I need
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xx
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