Guilt and Fear

[CherylGold1974]

I've lived with bipolar depression for 20 yrs or so. I'm 48. When I turned 40, I really lost control. I had the worst manic episode of my life. I felt invincible, untouchable and oddly in control, even though I was very clearly out of control.

I was drinking way too much. Spending way too much money. Driving too fast and talking way too much. My impulse control was gone.

The worse thing's that I did during this time is that I cheated on my husband with three different men in about a month.

I was well aware that promiscuity can be a symptom of Bipolar but I had never experienced the desire too act on it before.

Not going to lie. In the frame of mind I was in, I enjoyed it. The attention and the desire.

One of the guys I knew and the other two were basically strangers.

Reckless as reckless can be.

I was very lucky not to get pregnant or get an STD.

After the mania eventually subsided. I fell into a deep, deep depression. I couldn't get out of bed. I went from 115lbs down to 88lbs. Brushing my teeth felt like climbing a mountain.

I ended up on different medication and other forms of therapy and I did even out.

I confessed to my husband and things where understandably rocky. We worked through it. Although I'm not really sure things ever got back to they way they were.

I still live with the guilt and lately I've felt it a lot. I also have fear. Fear that this could happen again.

[Agora1]

Hi CherylGold1974, I'd like to Welcome you to this safe and nonjudgmental site.I highly respect you for opening up on your first post. I know it couldn't have been

easy.

I may not be able to give you any input in what you are going through but please know

that the caring people on this site will give their thoughts and support you.

I'm glad you are safe and here with us. xx

[CherylGold1974 in reply to Agora1]

Thank so very much. You're kindness means a lot. 😊

[Agora1 in reply to CherylGold1974]

xx

[xExhausted_mindx]

Hi Cheryl! New member here and your post resonates with my current situation. I can’t say that I have much advice as I’m trying to figure out how to handle my own situation. I’m not diagnosed as bipolar and honestly never considered that until possibly recent? I found myself in a funk this year with health concerns and decided to take my life back and start becoming healthy and confident. During this time I reconnected with an old friend and I literally acted out of character not only as a married woman, but against my own morals. I did not sleep with him but it was an emotional connection that led on for a few months and shared a kiss. Long story short, I did confess to my husband. Thought this would help the guilt but it didn’t- instead I found myself looking to dissect everything that occurred and if I left any information out for my husband to know. I replay things in my head everyday and it’s literally killing me inside. My husband has forgiven me and wants to continue our marriage, but I struggle with triggers of the situation that literally put me through depression. He deserves better. I’ve tainted our marriage and can’t forgive myself. I need to get through this so I can be what he deserves. Just don’t know how and if it’ll ever get easier. 😔

[Hidden]

I understand better than you might think. Up until I turned 40, I was never anyone sleeping around or doing one night stands or any of that. I was very frustrated when I turned 40 with my living situation and the person I was with. I have bipolar disorder also, and I have had people take advantage of my confusion. I really messed my relationship up, I’m not sure if it’s salvageable.