New girl looking to overcome abandonment issues

[DoxieGurl]

Hi, everyone. I finally figured out that I destroy every relationship before the person can abandon me. I have very few friends because most of my friends abandoned me. I want to save my new relationship, but to do that, I have to save myself first. I had a decent childhood, but not a happy, loving childhood. I constantly feel like my mom will emotionally abandon me again, and I let it control my life. Does anyone else have a clueless mother that will never take responsibility for the pain she caused? My anxiety of abandonment is always present, but is really high now in a relationship, causing panic attacks. I'd love to have someone to share with.

[Yellowfoxes]

I’m not sure if it’s 100% the same for me but I didn’t have the best childhood either, I never felt like I could trust my parents without them hurting me and my first friend who was the only person kind to me at the time was in 6th grade but I ended up losing him near the end of 7th and I’ve always been so scared of losing the people I love after that. Even now when I’m in a relationship I can’t sleep without thinking about my partner, everyday just gets harder and harder to be without her even when I’m trying all I can to get better it just feels like if I’m not careful with every single word I say I might lose her.

I don’t know if this will help you but at least for me, after using many different help resources I think it might be best to simply talk to them about it. Communication is always the key to a healthy relationship so even though I can’t even go to sleep without dreaming of losing the one thing I want to protect in life I truly believe talking to her will help immensely and that I won’t lose her if I do. Make sure to still acknowledge their thoughts and feelings though, I made the mistake of forgetting them when I had my panic attacks and it cost me dearly but I’m doing the best I can to make sure I never forget them again, please don’t forget them for your partner too if you decide you do want to talk to them about it

[DoxieGurl in reply to Yellowfoxes]

He and I do agree that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. He just got custody of his 11 and 12 year old sons after 7 years of battling, so our communication is now down to 0% because all of his time is spent with them. I want to hold on and give him time to settle in, but these abandonment issues are telling me to RUN before he tells me he will not have room in his life for me. He says his wife has abandonment issues, so I'm afraid telling him I have them as well will make him leave me because of what she put him through. I honestly don't know what to do, but I don't feel like I can talk to him at all.

[Louie35]

We don't pick our parents, but we can control how we react to them. Don't be too hard on yourself and take it from there, be mindful and try not to repeat the same mistakes

[DoxieGurl in reply to Louie35]

I decided when I was 14 to not have kids so I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes, and I don't have any (but I have a gaggle of dachshunds!) Every time I talk to my mom, I wait for her to see "For God's sake, Liz" and toss me aside for a few more years. I live 5 miles from her so I can watch over her in her "golden" years. She didn't speak to me for 18 months after my dad died (3 years ago) but when an ice storm hit in Louisiana, I was there to do whatever she needed. It makes me feel like a wuss to cower down to her. She thinks she did me a favor when she called me to deal with a busted pipe in the wall last week.

[MoonDreaming]

Oh yeah, I've been there, still am. I had a decent childhood myself, but was it perfect? Nope. I got a lot of my anxiety from my childhood. My parents were always arguing, fighting, yelling, they didn't know how to give the children 'love' I played alone a lot and my friends were my toys. It's painful thinking back, I still can't tell to this day if it was me being awkward or what, but I've always had a hard time making friends and now I feel that I have abandonment issues from the friends that I did have in school who'd leave me to go be with other friends or boyfriends/girlfriends. People will usually never take responsibility for their actions, sometimes they don't even realize what they are doing is affecting others. Communication helps, but it helps in the road to recovery for you because in my case, I've talked to my mom many times about how what her and my dad did (emotional abuse) affected me and she will laugh and throw it in my face basically, not take responsibility. I have to remind myself that at least I let her know, and it's a step towards my own healing. Her terrible responses or lack of taking responsibility are not my issue, it's hers.

Now, I've come to terms with my issues, why they are there and through therapy (many, many years of therapy with different therapists) I've been able to use techniques to ease the issues I have. Having support is so important in this journey of healing so you've come to the right place for that we are here to help in any way we can.

[DoxieGurl in reply to MoonDreaming]

I'm sorry it took so long to reply. As sad as this is, I always get a bit of comfort knowing that I am not alone in my situation. My parents didn't argue, but there was a lot of silence in my house. I had imaginary friends, usually Batman and Robin! I lived on the wrong side of the tracks, I was fat and I was the smartest kid in class. If I would have just had braces and glasses, I could have been a textbook outcast! My mom refuses to take responsibility for anything she did (or didn't do) for me, and you're right, that's her issue, not mine. I try to convince myself that she didn't know that she was hurting me so badly. She has a much better relationship with my younger sisters than with me, but insists that they always thought I was the golden child. That's why I never had kids, I wanted to be sure I broke the cycle. Thank you for writing me. I found this site accidentally while researching anxiety and so far, it seems like a warm and safe place to be.

[MoonDreaming in reply to DoxieGurl]

Hey, No problem. It takes me awhile to get back to people on here too but trust me, this is a really really great place for support. I keep coming back here either when I'm not feeling well or just to look for support.

Well that's the thing isn't it? People don't know how to take responsibility for their actions, and parents are the worst at it. They will never admit to any parenting that might have had a hand in our mental health issues. I try myself to talk to my mom, or when she asks I'm honest and then she starts arguing with me and being cynical so I try to avoid those conversations all together now because I know it won't help at all. I just have my internal dialogue and I'm my own personal coach lol I tell myself everything is ok, that I've come a long way, that I've grown and have learned new positive things, that I am a good person with lots to offer. You just have to find your own positive things to say to yourself in the thick of stressful or ugly situations to bring yourself down from anxiety.

Having a therapist helps, they can guide you with ways to get out of those attacks or depressions. Do you have a therapist? I hope that you are doing well today.

[FantasyLife]

me too I also have abandonment issues it is due to my parents and if I try to say where they went wrong they start belittling me and making me feel guilty saying all I ever did was take care of you so, how could you blame us when you are the one to blame.

so then I kinda threw all those feelings like they were worthless. yet that bin is still inside of me couldn't get rid of it you see.

then i started thinking when I get my kids I'm gonna show you how it's done and throw it right to your face. and whenever my parents say or do something to hurt me i would say to myself never be like them in the future this is wrong note it.

but when I saw my big sister`s daughter at 1st I cried like I am holding a miracle in my hands and as days went by even though the whole house is at the fingertips of the baby and i was just a visitor I felt really annoyed yet when she looks at you, u forget everything and even when u feel tired u still get the energy somehow to manage it. as she grew she has become really stubborn and naughty, her routine daily is doing something she was told not to do this became really dangerous so, to control her my sis had to scold or sometimes beat only action though and yet this small girl really stands up to herself saying mommy u should not be angry be happy... PS. she is really smart and never got hurt.

i felt really proud of my sister for raising that baby to a really confident and good girl full of love and her fav person is her mom only though.

i realized how hard it is to manage kids, whenever i think that i am grateful for my mom and i just wanna give a hug and say thank you just for the fact of her giving me life and care at a really sensitive time. yet sometimes she says she regrets my birth i know that it is in anger but it still hurts and replaces all the gratitude and i know that will not cancel what she did yet i love her so much and sometimes i just want to run away from her to protect myself.

i understand but it is still wrong and just a sorry or a word i luv u would have been enough but she just had to treat my feelings like dust.

but sometimes when she kisses me (well to make me do chores yet only after so many rounds of venting her anger on me) all these feelings would just fade away. mothers' love is really powerful.

i know i still have a lot of growing up to do in these emotions and maturity but i don't know

[CoderMom]

My dad was part of my abandonment when I was young. He was building a house so we saw him in the morning briefly and at dinner and he was gone again. We stayed with my grandmother who was sick, so she sent us outside to play by ourselves a lot. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4. So didn't have mom around or Dad around much. It has caused a ripple effect in my life, but I had two marriages go up in flames because the husbands abandoned the marriage under the guise of betrayal. I never had any real good friends as my dad didn't know the parents and wouldn't take the time to get to know the parents of kids I wanted to be friends with, so I never was allowed to spend time with other kids and so grew up without friends. Completely understand where you are at. But one point of interest that has been reiterated to me as an adult - I am an adult now and how I live my life is no longer up to my dad or my mom. Sure, they caused issues, but it my responsibility to learn and grow on my own and fix what they broke and learn how to have meaningful relationships. So I embarked on the journey of learning how to grow despite abandonment issues and such. I have now had one friendship that has lasted over 4 years with a man. We talk every single day more than once and have for 4 years, only missing maybe a handful of days in that 4 years. I am grateful for the journey and the friendship.