It's the only way to put me back together. But can I let go of the guilt?

[silentdreamer20]

I started therapy this week. It feels like a mixture of relief and anxiety. I am supposed to be learning to stop having avoidance tendencies and start learning to let go of the guilt of being a chronically ill family member. I admit that I need help, so I got into this program with an open and willing mind. Hopefully, I'm capable and can let go of everything inside me that holds me back from being who I was before all of this. Trauma Therapy has been advised for PTSD, as well. I have a great support system! I talk to people about my health, and they support me through my physical obstacles. It's just so difficult to go past all of that and go into my mental health. I feel so guilty. I feel like everyone deals with enough of me with my physical and financial things for me to include my emotional chaos on top of it. I know other people feel this way. I can't be the only one. I know some of my trauma isn't just from medical things, and that's something I will have to come face-to-face with, too. It's the only way to put myself back together.

[Louie35]

You are very lucky to have a support system like that. Don't feel guilty in needing help, or relying on people. Thats what family and friends are for.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Louie35]

Thank you. It hasn't always been such a supportive atmosphere, but it's come far. I have such a hard time letting my walls down. I think I feel vulnerable enough with my health that I struggle with letting myself be vulnerable with my mental health too. I hope this program helps me learn how to let people in (completely) so that I don't feel so broken and alone anymore. My therapist referred to me as "hiding in plain sight." She told me she isn't surprised (at all) that people around don't see how deep my depression goes because I have mastered acting like I am okay. She called me out on a lot of my crap, which surprised me. I guess that means she's good at her job.

[Hidden]

Hi. No, you aren't the only one. I hope that gives some comfort. We can be our own worst enemy. We already are our own worst critics, so it's a double whammy. Maybe you could ask yourself this question: "what would I say to a friend going through the same thing?" My guess is you'd empathize and say all supportive things, right? Try and transfer all those empathetic, supportive things to yourself. It's extremely hard I know. I'm going through it now and it is hard work!!!I'm glad you have a great support system now!

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

It's funny you said that. A friend told me that I am there for everyone, and I say the most helpful things in every situation. She asked why I feel so guilty for letting anyone do the same for me. She explained that I give my all to everyone else in order to avoid dealing with myself. I know she's right. That's how I cope, though. Although, yes, I know that isn't actually "coping," but rather a way to avoid coping. But I am open to learning how to stop my avoidance strategies. It'll take time.

[samack in reply to silentdreamer20]

I'm with you. My identity was wrapped around helping others. Avoiding my own self, I thought it was the only way to be liked. Hiding in plain sight was my way too. I broke the desire to be this way and am lost searching for myself. The thicket is beginning to clear, yet each new step is a challenge. I am 63. Wish I faced this when I was younger. Go forward with therapy. Good luck.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to samack]

Thank you! For me, it's not so much about being liked- it's more a relief that even if I cannot help myself, I am serving some purpose by helping others. A "sense of purpose" is what I get from helping everyone. That's exactly what it is. I don't know how to deal with my own traumas, much less face them, so I help everyone else. It's funny because people tell me I should "take my own advice." Isn't that so much easier said than done? If I were to take my own advice, I would've been "healed" years ago and would have no need to speak to another therapist again. If only things were so black & white. Healing is a journey, though. I know that it isn't a straight path, just like I know that it's sometimes going to be, ten steps forwards and 20 steps back. A program I recently joined offers a therapist and a coach. The therapist told me I know all the techniques and am well educated in coping mechanisms, so I don't need a coach to teach me them again, which takes me back to my avoidance strategies. I am glad that you are working on everything. I have been trying to find myself for over a decade now. Trauma will do that. But it is never too late! Wishing you all the best!

[samack in reply to silentdreamer20]

I feel like my purpose is working with clients who are in need. I shouldn't have to treat friends like I'm a socialworker. That's my issue. Best to you too.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to samack]

❤️

[Newleafturning]

You are definitely not alone on this one. My mental health has been hidden all my life and I've put up the strongest front. I was 100 lbs and stronger than a bull but when the physical health made me be dependent there was no way to hide the mental health. With my physical health I have to have someone with me to do absolutely everything except sit in one spot. I can't walk alone, I can't go to the bathroom alone, I can't bathe alone, I can't cook, clean, or even sit up alone. It went from being a busy mom of 5 teenagers to a few years of amazing grandbabies to not even being able to pick up those beautiful babies. I can show the weakness physically but letting out the weakness mentally feels like pure torture.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Newleafturning]

I'm so sorry that you have been going through this. It is such a hard thing, and so many people don't realize it. They don't realize that with physical limitations often comes psychological damage as well. That's a lot of what happens with me, too. I'm terribly sorry. *Hugs*

[Newleafturning]

Many of us have no support system so please be thankful for that. I understand the feeling of being chronically ill and feeling like a burden in every way possible. I have been losing the ability to walk thru the past 6 years and in the past year I have not been able to walk so needing help for all personal things and maintaining everyday life. With trauma and anxiety I also understand. I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety/ panic disorder at 9 and then severe PTSD from childhood and adult trauma. The one thing that helped me the most was a psychiatrist who told me to start from the first memory and tell her every traumatic event in detail to her so I could give it all to her and get it out of me. I spent over an hour staring out a window telling her every memory staring at age 4. Yes I broke down with tears rolling. She gave me a break to go gather myself. I went back in there and spent another 3 hours telling her the rest. When I left that day my shoulders felt like a million pounds were lifted because for the first time I was able to say every detail while someone just listened without giving advise about things they never experienced. It really felt like I gave it away to a safe place. It broke my stubborn, Irish ass as I let it out but it was exactly what I needed. No judgement, just release. Hope this can help you and with your support outside of therapy I pray the other intrusive feelings can ease up. Good luck to you.