I really crave just to let go and be happy and innocent and smile and be adventurous. Ive craved it so badly all my life. I craved it as a child. And I crave it now. I don't want to make excuses for not being the way I want to be. I don't want to focus on all the sadness in my life. I want to just carry on anyway with positivety. I don't want to focus on the 'what ifs?' of letting go. I just want to do it. I always had this mindset growing up... I always wanted to act with defiance against all the pain Ive felt. I wanted to beat it with genuine laughter and happiness despite feeling inside like I could break down and collapse at any moment. Despite my sadness, I had a longing for innocence I never had the opportunity to have, and I was innocent in pursuing it. Ive always had that...... until recent years.
Recently lve felt the innocence I crave feels beyond me to the point I cannot pursue it anymore. Ive felt I know too much about the harshness of life. Ive felt so punished just for being me and showing my honest self. The Bible says that when a person has a harsh conscience that we need to 'confirm our love for them otherwise he may become overly saddened'. I guess I feel 'overly saddened' because every day my best doesn't feel good enough. Ive felt tainted and beaten by punishments, too low in self esteem to fight. I still want to fight.. even now. Its just the past feels more embedded than ever now. I just don't always know where to begin in fighting the harsh way the world has taught me to think of myself. I don't know where to begin in being innocent. I just want to be the man I was meant to be and although in some ways I feel wiser and closer and stronger for my experiences, I also feel further away from the freedom and innocence I crave too.
Sometimes I feel I need help just to be able to feel happy and innocent.
7 Replies
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Hi Cuddly-Bear, I can totally relate to you! Life is tough and sometimes we as humans can make our life out to be so much harder than it really is.
You’re not alone, i’m on a similar journey. Trying to learn to let go ❤️
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Your simple comment is actually really encouraging. It reminds me of a book I read about happiness. It said in there that there is freedom when we accept 'life is pain' rather than thinking it should be any other way. It said that once we realise this, then there is an innocence because we can carry on anyway as we have an acceptance that we have to make the best of it regardless of our circumstances. It drew a contrast with this and NOT accepting that 'life is pain' which leads to unnecessary complaints, dillusions and frustration. Once, we accept that this is what we are given then we are better equipt to accept it innocently and move on from trying to change the things we can't.
I think there is a feedom in that way of thinking. From there instead of frustrating ourselves by dwelling an unmet expectations, we can instead work with what we've got and work out the things we have the courage to change and improve realistically.
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There I go again... Going all deep lol 😁. I so need to work on being more lighthearted and happy go lucky.
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That makes a lot of sense! It’s okay I actually like having deep conversations with people lol!
Well, I have this video about the 4 ways of letting go. It's is by a Buddhist monk, so if you don't mind listening to someone of a different religion (there is nothing religious about the video, btw), I can recommend you have a listen:
Wow, what you wrote was very beautiful. Everybody has to lose their childhood innocence and ignorance. We learn about sickness, war, death and how our lives are just momentary. Theres a thing that mystics have taught for centuries about gaining our second innocence. Which is the real innocence that is gained out of wisdom and not childhood ignorance. A child is happy and blissful and it's a beautiful thing but it is out of ignorance. A wise person sees the reality of the world and transcends it. Some call it enlightenment. Others have different names for it. Enlightenment is just a fancy word for coming home within yourself. It's not special or anything, it's our natural state and we all long for it.
I am also on the same journey as you, trying to find happiness for myself. As we get older it seems harder and harder to do. I know for myself I have had to come to the conclusion that in order to make myself I happy I can no longer worry about if everyone else around me is happy with my decisions, this is my life and I deserve to be happy as well. It may take years or a lifetime, but I do believe that one day you will find the happiness that you are looking for!
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I dont even know what title to give this but I have to put something here otherwise I cant post this 🙁
Learn to let go and you will recover.
i do not want to be a mom. 
How do I learn from my mistakes?
