I am done trying.
No one gives a shit.
If I died would anyone care?
It's easier just to give up.
Honestly, I don't think there is a way to fix my life anyway.
I'm done waiting for help and fighting for better.
There's no point.
But no one will read my books. I will never be married, or get to travel.
The things I'll miss don't outweigh the agony anymore.
I just wanted someone to know how bad I'm hurting and what I was thinking about right now. I want out, but I know I deserve better. Only I don't think I have any fight left in me after this week. I realized that I am in this fight by myself and truly no one cares about me. I just keep thinking would they even miss me if I were gone?
Bookishbunny, these are the thoughts and words of someone in chronic pain.I hear you. If you died, it's not about who would care or who wouldn't. It would be
about you losing the opportunity in the reason you are here. Sometimes we need to
use our pain to help others. We can't give up on ourselves. We must be our biggest
supporters.
I have a list of health issues as well including Fibro. I knew I wasn't alone with these
issues and so I did something about it. I gathered others suffering from the same health
problems and talked with community hospitals in putting on a symposium on certain topics.
Patients crawled out of the woodwork when reading that there would finally be doctors willing to talk about issues as well as have a question and answer period.
I mention this because we are not alone with pain. There isn't a better feeling knowing that
your pain did something to help others. You will realize that in the long run you no longer have to fight this alone. You will also know that others do care. A reason to be here 
xx
I'm sorry that you're hurting, I've felt a similar way before. I don't want to assume anything about your situation but I do know how hard it is to see positives when you're in such a low place. I also know it can be hard to see this as much more than just words on a screen but for what it's worth, I would care if you gave up. We have to try to look after each other even if we suck at looking after ourselves (which I absolutely do).
What happened this week to make you feel like this?
My therapist told me to tell my mother how hurt I am that she is no longer there for me and continues to tell me that she isn't in a place to deal with me and I am on my own. She has shut me down 3 times. I know my grandmother whom I keep getting push back from cutting her out will call on my birthday. My driving anxiety got bad again, I begged both parents for a ride/to come to get me and they both said no. I started having a flare of pain again. To top it off my company throws each employee a sort of small party. Everyone knew. No one came, because they don't like me (no clue why). Thank you for asking.
I'm sorry to hear that Bookish, again I don't want to just wade in and assume things about your family relationships, but I have varying relationships with my close family and I know how difficult it can be juggling contact with some family members and not others, so I totally get that.
The company party sounds at best horribly implemented - I wonder if this might be more of a reflection on workplace culture than on you as a person?
Sending you love and best wishes.
My parents only understand physical pain and not mental. I get it, but unfortunately they don't.
I've shared some dark stuff last year with them, but they just don't understand why I sometimes feel the way that I do. (Even though mental illness runs deep in my family tree)
Now they are going through some deep problems, (that are different than mine) and I'm trying to be there for them.
They may not be able to understand me, but you guys will, and I am grateful for them being alive, and to have caring people like this community.
I needed to hear that also, I'm in my head so much and I very often feel like I don't belong in the world. Feel like I'm in everyone's way.
I have thoughts like that daily - things like 'everyone else is able to function properly, am I just making a big deal out of nothing' or 'other people have their own crap to deal with, I don't want to burden them with mine as well'. We can be very minimising and self-deprecating when it comes to ourselves, we treat our own thoughts and feelings in ways we would never dream of treating the thoughts and feelings of others.
Something I try to do when I find myself in my head in moments like that is to try to imagine what I'd say to someone else having those thoughts or feelings, and often I end up being a bit kinder to myself because it's hard to justify that double-standard that we apply to just ourselves once you've brought it into focus.
Thank you
I'm not trying to minimize what you are feeling, because when I'm in my depression season swings, I'm thinking a lot of what you just wrote there.
Truth be told, I was so desperate for help, that I almost checked myself into a hospital, (not that there's anything wrong with that) before I found this site.
I was dealing with, and I am still dealing with problems that are very severe, and out of my control. Problems that when I finally get the courage, I will finally share around here, but this isn't about me, this is about you.
I don't know you too well, but I care about you. You're a member of this community, and this community is very special to me ATM. Without it, I'd probably be in a hospital right now.
"You" Bookishbunny, you are one of the many people that is keeping this community alive. & I need this community, so guess what, you matter to me.
& You know what, I know that you can't self-promote around here, but please send me a message about what type of books that you have written. Do you have any Kindle books on Amazon? I'll buy one, because I'm interested in what you have to say.
Send me a PM (if you are up to it) of what you have written. (eBook preferred if possible)
Thanks but I'm too much of a coward to publish. I've written novels since I was 12 and each time I finish I convince myself it's terrible and throw it away.
That's cool I get it, I'm kinda a perfectionist too.
I'm a perfectionist to a fault. (That's still one of the MANY things that I need to work on myself with)
I going to give you a link to a very ugly looking website, but please try to read this.
It's an article called, "But They Did Not Give Up".
Did you know that the lighbulb "that is on" nearby you right now created by Thomas Edison had 1000 unsuccessful attempts. (AKA 1000 failures), but Thomas Edison didn't give up.
There are soooo many other cool fun facts, on this website, but I'm warning you, it is very ugly looking, but the information that you are about to read is what matters. Copy and past it into Microsoft Word or Window's notebook if you need to read it better.
Here's the link:
"But They Did Not Give Up" -> uky.edu/~eushe2/Pajares/OnF...
I'm so sorry. Please don't give up. Life can be so hard, but even if there is chance you can have happiness you need to keep fighting.
Keep writing, keep your passions, if you have anyone close to you you trust, reach out!!! Keep posting! We are here!
My thoughts right now....
Rough Time Right Now
I hate myself right now 
Thinking about what was and what is 
Just Thinking
