Rough Time Right Now

[redalbie32]

I don’t really know how to do this but my therapist thinks this might be good for me so I’m willing to try. I’m kind of really struggling. I’ve been fighting depression since January and it’s getting worse despite me being in therapy for several months now. These past couple of weeks have been particularly bad for some reason. I can’t stop thinking about wanting to die. I don’t have a specific plan to do something, but anytime I look at something, my first thought is “How can I use this item to kill myself?”

We basically had a hurricane with no rain here last week that pretty much destroyed every tree. Everyday on my lunch break, I go and lay beneath the trees and try to take a nap. And I’ve noticed this past week, that part of the tree I lay under is about to fall and is only hanging on by resting on top of another branch of the tree. And I have started positioning myself during my lunch breaks right below that hanging tree branch and I pray my whole break that the tree will finally fall down and that it kills me.

I’m so tired of feeling like this. And then I look outside at the world and I can’t help but think, “Why am I fighting to get through this so bad with the world the way it is?” Because I don’t like this current world and even if I wasn’t so depressed, I don’t know if I would want to be a part of this scary world we’re currently living in. So why am I fighting so hard to stay in this world that I’m so disappointed to be living in? Because it is a fight for me. Everyday's a fight. It’s a fight for me to just look at a screwdriver and not pick it up and stab myself with it.

I know this isn’t going to resolve itself overnight, but I’ve been in therapy for over 4 months now and it’s just getting worse. And I don’t know what else to do. I’m alone, I don’t have friends, I don’t have family. The thing you hear all the time when you talk about suicide is “You are not alone.” I understand that there are way too many people in the world who do suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts; but for me, I am alone. If I were to die, no one would even realize that something had changed. No one would even be at my funeral.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. I feel like I’m running out of options. The art and projects that I was forcing myself to do that I used to enjoy, are no longer working to distract me. My low “moments” are no longer moments. It’s just now all day, every day. And so here I am, posting on an online message board, something I’ve never done before.

Anyway, sorry this is long and if you’ve made it this far, I’m impressed. I guess I just needed to write something.

[BlueSky125]

You wrote about not liking the world and it being a scary place. What are some examples that make you feel this way. One thing I’ve done is stopped watching the news, it’s a very limited and often negative , pessimistic view of what going on. It’s gives the impression that things are really bad and getting worse which can lead to anxiety and depression in some people.

[Grady80]

Feeling alone can affect your self-worth. Do you have social anxiety? Have you ever tried making friends? We need human interaction, support. Hopefully, you’ll find some support here. Sometimes I have people around me but still feel alone. Although, I can’t say I know what it’s like for you, I can imagine what it’s like. In the past, I didn’t want to make friends because I was shy but now I’m older I need other people. So, I empathize. The world is frightening right now but it’s still not quite completely bad. There’s still some good left.

[Diarysew]

Please dont give up, this world may be a horrible place, you may not have any family or friends right now, but you can make anything happen, there is no barrier stopping you from achieving everything and anything. We all have our own problems but we move past them, we grow and we help each other to become better people. I really hope that you look deeper into this and realise you have so so much to live for, you honestly can do anything if you put your mind to it and focus all your energy. <3 I wish you every happiness x

[evilspicy]

First, I want to acknowledge the fight that you're in and to tell you that it takes a hell of a lot of guts to wake up and fight every day. I'm glad you're still here and that you've made it to this forum. The world is a terrifying and-yes absolutely- disappointing place to live these days and that's before you even factor in the monsters that are anxiety or depression. It does help some to be able to come here and post your feelings. As for the suicidal thoughts, I've gone through long periods of time when that is where my mind stayed and while I've never had a plan or acted on those thoughts, its rough when thoughts of ending your life preoccupy most of your waking time. I want to commend you on the 4 months of therapy, it is hard work, and I'm proud of you. If it seems to have gotten worse and/or doesn't seem like it will get any better any time soon, have you considered talking to your doctor about medication? I am not a huge fan of pharmaceuticals, and they certainly dont fix everything, but there are cases and times when a good antidepressant can bring the unbearable levels down to bearable. It doesn't have to be forever, but maybe a thought to discuss with your therapist. I'm sending you positive thoughts and open to chatting any time if you want.

[Hidden]

Hey hey hiya👋👋👋

I know it’s very hard and an everyday battle yes...

I always picture myself going out evil Knievel style driving 150+ into a concrete wall or jumping my vehicle off of a high spot.

You are not alone in your feelings of emptiness and visions of death.

Those feelings stayed with me a while.

One of my good friends who lost his father young told me something (and I know he has suffered mentally for long time)

He told me “don’t take the easy way out, stay here and suffer with the rest of us”

So please....stay here and suffer with the rest of us and keep talking when you need

[texasbonnet]

I hope you show what you have written to your therapist. I am glad you expressed yourself through this forum. A couple of questions. Do you have a pet? My dog is an emotional support for me. I knew my former dog was dying and the thought of coming home to an empty apartment was too scary. I was afraid I would go in a dark hole and not come out. I know that I will always have a dog as long as I can possibly can.

I am almost 77 and I know that I can not function without an anxiety/depression medication.

I believe my life would look different today had I known what medication could do. If you have a condition and do nothing to help yourself, the condition becomes entrenched. I am so thankful for my medications.

Please keep putting one foot in front of the other. Our world needs people who can learn about themselves and discover why their world isn't working and then can begin the journey of making a better life for themselves and others. I hope today is a little easier for you.