Thoughts

[Survivor1687]

Im going to vent a bit because I've found this to be helpful instead of keeping these feelings inside. Today I've been stuck in my head a bit. I often feel my surroundings are making it very difficult for me to feel able to be myself and find any enjoyment in doing things. So, I start questioning what I can do to change that, what can I do to improve my quality of life, my surroundings, the way I think and feel and, I honestly at times feel very defeated, like I don't have a reason to keep trying, I feel very alone, like I'm never going to be happy again or be able to have healthy relationships with people because of trauma that has within the past few years changed the way I view people, places, things.... & life in general. And it hasn't been in a good way, it's been in a, it's the world against you, trust no one or you'll get hurt again or die the next time you do, kinda way. Today is one of those days, where I feel very alone and stuck. Frustrated with myself, my situation. I want to be able to have good people, even just one good person in my life, and enjoy spending time out doing things, having FUN, enjoying life, I forget what having fun feels like. 😔 When it comes time to interact with people I start to panic and am very hypervigilant making it difficult to enjoy going anywhere, interacting, or even trying to accomplish simple every day tasks that most people would have no problems doing a big struggle. I've slowly started stepping outside my comfort zone, going places, I went to dinner recently at a restaurant for the first time in years with a few family members which went better than I had thought. I had originally said I wasn't going & ended up reaching back out and going.. I had been unable to even leave the house for some time without having a major panic attack. So it felt really good being able to do that and spend time. Having meds to take this time around when and if needed was very helpful.

Im REALLY missing the people I did have for support, friends, family. Most of them have passed away traumatically, unexpectedly, & what feels like one after the next these past couple years and I've really been struggling for a few years now trying to cope with losing the only people I felt I had in my very small circle. I feel like I haven't been able to 'grieve properly' (if there is such a thing) before the next loss or death. If that makes sense. It's like trying to heal a deep wound that keeps getting re-injured and re-opening. Never getting the chance to heal properly & it's leaving a wicked scar. That's pretty close to how it feels. 😔😢 I really don't have any kind of support system other than online communities, which have sincerely helped alot, but Im missing what I fear the most... Human contact. 😔😢 How does one heal and move forward? How does one learn to trust again and overcome the fear of being hurt again? I feel like it's taking me way longer to recover from the s**t thats happened than it should, I feel like this is going to be a life long thing and I'm just trying to find ways to make it manageable and find the right balance. I am frustrated with myself but still trying. This helps. I am open to any and all kinds of feedback and would really appreciate any kind of support/feedback offered or given 💜

[god_bless_everyone]

I'm glad that you have shared your feelings. It happens at times with most of the people. So, you are not alone. Well, I was very shy and introvert person in my childhood. I have worked on myself like meeting with new people but still sometimes I don't get comfortable with most of the persons who are not like minded. I guess this is natural.I'm planning to join some NGO as a volunteer and spending my free time in doing the volunteer services. It will also give me the opportunity to meet with new people.

Don't worry, hard time too shall pass. You are doing great sharing your feelings. Hope you feel better.

[Survivor1687 in reply to god_bless_everyone]

Thank you

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

I feel you on the frustration part. I too would like to heal faster from trauma. And I too get down in the dumps when I'm just upset about the situation I'm in. And it's a situation I didn't put myself in. My thyroid happened to go wonky and the medication makes my anxiety act up even worse than originally. I get frustrated with doctors telling me well you had anxiety so this is what it is. Even when I tell them hey I didn't have depression and this medication side effect is depression. And they're like well that's what it is your test results came back and you're completely normal and fine so just live with it. And I don't want to live with it. I want to change it I just don't have the right allies to do it. And that makes me sad. So I cry. Then I get up and the audacity of hope keeps me going. I still believe I can get back to me again. Like you I miss my friends and miss doing things with my friends. So yeah totally understand your frustration. Some days we have it in us and other days we don't. And yeah that gets tiring. To be a pendulum swinging back and forth to having the determination and then feeling completely and utterly alone. I hope we get better I really do. 💖 You have my support

[Survivor1687 in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Thank you. ((hugs)) You have mine as well 💜