Lonely

[Bookishbunny]

I haven’t posted in a while mostly because my mental state has been rapidly declining. Today I reached a point where I just don’t give a ****. I try so hard for everyone but I don’t get it back. My mom has been in a funk for a while now. I don’t know if she is depressed, stressed, overwhelmed or what but I do know what that means for me. She shoots down any conversation I start about my mental state saying that she has nothing to give. I’m tired of this ********! She knows I’m struggling she knows I can’t get in with a therapist and she damn well knows how alone I am. How do you have a kid and do nothing while they need you?! I get how awful depression is but this is what you sign up for when you have a child and I’m done feeling guilty for needing help and asking for it. No matter how bad it was for me I’d never not be there if someone needed me.

I’m so angry at every one all of the time. In my last meeting months ago with my therapist we made a breakthrough as to the cause of my depression being I found out who those around my truly are. Now I look at these people and all I see is the unfairness they caused me. The suffering, the pain and I just hate being alive. I hate my family. I hate my OCD. I hate all of this and the most ******up part? I just want a hug. I want to matter. I want to get out of this postage stamp-of-a-town! I want to write books and I want to wake up glad I did. I’m so tired and I’m done trying so hard for ****. I wish I could disappear.

Why does no one love me as much as I love them?

[coolkitty1934]

i feel the same way a lot..i care a lot about making others happy that i dont see how unhappy and unfair it is for myself.i find ways to help people so i can find proof that i deserve to live

[TEN4]

Just read your post and breaks my heart. Wish I could give you a hug. My daughter had mental health issues about your age and younger and I didn’t know enough to even recognize let alone seek help for her. What was difficult was that she was not open to talking to me as she’s always been so independent. For your mom to say she doesn’t have anything to give shows she must be very depressed herself. And as you probably know, depression robs of any care we have about anything. Like me with my kids, she will one day regret that she wasn’t able to be there when you needed her. Although, that doesn’t help you now when you need her to care. So I just had to write you to let you know as a mom and someone who has struggled seriously with depression, I care and, no doubt, there are others who will be there for you if they know. If you need someone to vent to and a listening ear, I’m sure I could offer you some support. You are worthy of being cared for and loved so don’t think otherwise.

[StarSparkle1]

Please go back to therapy to complete the process. I did the same thing when my therapist moved and didn’t find a new one who was able to help. The new one even did psychological testing since he couldn’t figure out my anger. I’m sure he inherited notes and spoke to my old therapist. Because I didn’t resolve my anger, my mother got tired of it, blamed my therapist and wouldn’t take responsibility. She had BPD, and probably wouldn’t have anyways, but I would have learned to accept what I couldn’t change and moved on.

I understand your pain, but working to resolve anger benefits you most. Otherwise you can live for decades, as I did, frustrated and depressed. I wasted a lot of time. You might get a better result if your mother doesn’t feel attacked or blamed as mine did.

[SaikiK]

Hi Bookishbunny,

I relate a lot with your issues, when I was younger my mother was my biggest enemy. I can understand your anger and frustration very well.

I'm a lot older now and I have a normal-ish relationship with her. It changed a lot when I moved away.

I also came to realise that she is just as human as me. She makes mistakes and doesn't always know best. Often there is a lot of pressure put on mothers to be perfect and sometimes we can hold them to an almost god like ability but they are people with emotions and problems.

Our mental health is directly related to the people around us, this includes; parents, grandparents, friends and children. We don't always get along and sometimes we just have to agree to disagree. Perhaps a little distance is what you both need.

I think you should take time to get to know yourself and explore more therapy options, focus on helping yourself. You might find that it will give you some techniques to later help her too.

For the older generation, I've found that mental health is something not to be talked about or even addressed, so she might me floundering with her own thoughts and feelings.

I really hope you can get it sorted and keep on writing!