I haven't posted on here since I joined because I have a hard time asking for help. I also just haven't had the courage. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for around 16 years. Context always helps in these posts but for now all I can really manage to get out is that I am in a really bad place. For the past few months I've been slipping into the darkest place I think I've been in my entire life. I've isolated myself from my friends and family over the past few years -- initially because keeping up my social life was just too much for my anxiety and other health issues, and then I think being on zoloft flattened me out to the point where my desire to be around people sunk so deeply into my mind that it became nonexistent. A few months ago I came off the meds because they didn't seem to be doing much other than preventing panic attacks, but a few weeks ago I started crashing really hard -- full blown panic and anxiety that left me bedridden and once that all subsided I sank into this terrible depression. I haven't been able to pull out of it or find any kind of relief and earlier this evening found myself thinking about suicide in a sort of way so as to encourage myself to do it, but it's something I've promised I would never do. I think about it all the time, in a manner similar to blowing off steam, but there's this fervent undercurrent in my mind; this mantra I have where I know I'm not going to do it, I've already set my mind in a cement-like casting into this default: "I will not do that." But tonight I really feel like I have no other options. I still have my default running. I know I'm not going to do it but I'm left sobbing just reeling under the pressure of believing in my soul that every other direction I can step into is darkness, emptiness; all but the light and love of being alive.
There's more to my character than being this empty undesirable thing that I am right now, and I know that hope exists as a portal view from any moment left stuck in the undertow and into an infinite number of vignettes; places and thoughts that make one smile but this field of fog that is a depressive state has such a tight grip on me right now. All I can do is ramble incoherently.
You all deserve a more thoughtful posting with some communal benefit or educational value but right now I'm just a pulsing little flame reaching out for any kind of response. I feel selfish for this but it's just all I can think of to do, clawing for some kind of departure from such a heavy feeling of grief.
I cherish you all and thanks for reading my ramblings.
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paperpencil
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So glad that you came here to the community and shared so openly about your interior struggle. Sorry to hear that the struggle is so deep, but applaud your transparency at such a difficult time. What we appreciate most here is the depth of transparency as you have written, it helps us all to know that we are not alone when we might feel as you do.
Because you were so open in your post, I sense a certain strength and resiliency and am glad that you have not ended your life. Having survived the loss of loved ones who died that way, I hope you can find the help that you need because you are worthy of that help - do whatever you can to reach out and come back here anytime. This community is amazing, when I first came here I was a wreck myself and soon found the warmth of the people here, the most resilient I have ever found, was the medicine I needed until I was strong enough to make a commitment to treatment.
Hope you will come back from time to time to let us know how you are doing so we can continue to cheer you on!
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I've too have lost loved ones to suicide. Knowing how painful that is prevents me from exploring it as a real option. Even so, my emotions are swirling in such a dark place I find myself fantasizing about the relief it would offer. It's more of a compulsive thought than a real risk. Anyways, I'll be sure to keep on here. Thanks again.
Your welcome. I can understand the swirling emotions while suspended in a dark place and imagining the relief it might offer but am relieved that it is more of a compulsive thought than a real risk. I am praying for you to remain strong and committed to yourself.
I swear to you, coming off any medication esp antidepressant or antipsychotics will 100% make you think about suicide like you never have before! And it can happen immediately or months later.
That's a good thought. I had been suicidal in the past; when I first discovered I had an anxiety/ depression problem years and years ago. But since then I haven't actively pursued suicide it just crops up in my mind all the time as this weird bit of inner dialogue. And then tonight it was really intense. Maybe it could be attributed to coming off the meds.
I was on zoloft for a few years at most 100 mg and then back down to 50 mg before I started tapering off of it. I went down to 25 mg and then stopped altogether maybe 2 or 3 months ago?
I would definitely think that could be causing your increase in suicidal thoughts. I know personally, when I stopped medication it caused a totally different type of suicidal thoughts like ruminating about it most of the day. It did pass with time and I found if I could exercise earlier in the day, that would help. I hope you feel better soon
It's interesting how these medications have such a wide range of effects on people. I didn't even consider those thoughts could be attributed to the medication even after reading it on the bottle a hundred times haha Maybe I'll try to exercise a bit today. Thank you for sharing your experience with this
Hi just to say you are amazingly coherent and you write so beautifully and poetically - I am not just saying this but you sound extremely intelligent….and because you have that it means you will soar higher and fall lower than the average person who just gets on with it and doesn’t overthink things. I am the last person to be capable of giving advice but I just hate to think of you being so alone in this awful pit - is there maybe anybody in your family you could let know how you are feeling and/or a medical person because you are clearly feeling the effects of coming off all meds and maybe you need something just to tide you over this period? You have taken a big step by coming on to this forum and you will never be judged my friend as we all know about the frightening extremes of depression, so please hang on in there and please keep in touch paperpencil, we are all thinking of you x
Thank you for the kind words. I tend to write through my unconscious when I'm describing feelings or if I'm upset and it always sounds like a poem. And I like the advice you are sharing! You are certainly not the person least capable of giving advice. I am looking to shift from a GP to a psychiatrist at the moment and I have some family I can talk to but they have a tendency to make these things worse. I also can't be fully transparent with them without feeling like a burden but I am honest with them about how I feel with limited details. In the meantime I thought this forum could be a good place for the details haha Thank you so much for your support. It really means a lot.
Thanks for sharing your heart. I appreciate your openness in sharing. I was hospitalized many times about 4 years ago for depression and anxiety. I almost died from my last suicide attempt. It is only by God's grace that I am still here. I never imagined I could sink so low. I am happy to be alive. Even though I have ongoing financial, health and relationship issues, I am pressing on. I am estranged from my wife, son and daughter, but am pressing on to get better emotionally. I also lost a good career and a home. I do not have many friendships and only have meaningful relationship with one of my 5 siblings. At times, I feel like I am failing to make much progress. It helps me to tell myself that I am still accomplishing things and to go easier on myself.Your posting content and length are fine. You are processing your feelings as part of your recovery process. Please get professional help if you continue to have suicidal thoughts. We are not meant to go it alone.
PNIAuthor60, Thanks for your kind words. I like what you said about the importance of every step. It makes me think that if we keep taking steps, we will reach our destination, such as accomplishing a goal. Sometimes we are not making as much progress as we want to, but we can get back on track.
JohnPB, steps can be as tiny as they need to be. Sometimes for me, it is doing the dishes or taking a warm shower depending on what frame of mind I happen to be in and it can change when I am dealing with difficult circumstances or an accumulation of such.
Yes, you are correct even when we don't seem to be making as much progress as we had hoped - if only we could celebrate each little step as a step forward.
The thing is, JohnPB, that our resilience is in bouncing back with a belief that I can do this and then following through no matter how long it takes.
Because of your earlier post, I'd like to know if you have a faith of your own and how much you rely on it?
My faith is what keeps me going - are you familiar with the Bible promises - mine is Isaiah 40:31 which says, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." Other verses speak of God's promise "never to leave us or forsake us." I hold tightly to these because I don't really have the support of an extended family and I believe when days are darkest that God is with me, helping me to accomplish what I need to do for myself.
Hi PNIAuthor60, Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. I am encouraged by the things you shared.
I can relate to taking tiny steps. Doing so often helps me gain the momentum I need to keep going and do bigger tasks.
I agree it is important to celebrate the progress we are making even when they are little steps. If someone can only manage to read one page of a book that is 350 pages in length, they will finish reading the book in about a year. Sometimes all we can manage to handle is a turtle's pace and that is a significant accomplishment for someone who is just keeping their head above the waters of life's demands.
Last year at age 63, I bicycled about 4 hours and hiked about 5 hours in one day. I tell myself that I can apply that physical toughness to mental/emotional situations. In other words, when we push ourselves physically or mentally/emotionally, we can be pleasantly surprised by what we can accomplish.
I have been a Christian for many years and my faith in God is what keeps me going. Without my faith, I would feel like I was completely alone treading water in the ocean, so far from land without any chance of rescue.
Isaiah 40:31 is also one of my favorite verses that I memorized years ago. One of my other favorites is Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
What is the significance of your online name, PNIAuthor60?
The significance of my online name is the very basis of my recovery from childhood trauma. It is the science of the interconnections of our mind, body and immunology. I consider myself a student in the field and also a researcher and what I learn helps me to make healthier choices for myself today which promises me a brighter future tomorrow. My studies and research have helped me to develop an understanding of some of the origins of my diagnoses which has subsequently lessened the degree of low grade depression and anxiety with which I have struggled for most of my life.
Thanks for thoughtfully inquiring of me what the significance of my online name was. I believe you are the only one ever to have asked me that.
Thanks for the reply. That is wonderful that you are so dedicated to your trauma recovery. I like what you said about the healthier choices you make today give you the promise of a brighter future. You are on the right track to a brighter future because you are doing what is needed to get there.
I, too, have lived with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Two major break throughs for me have been making progress in having more realistic expectations for myself and forgiving myself for some poor choices and actions.
My nickname is Bicycle John. There were 2 Johns at the small church I used to attend, and the pastor gave me the name Bicycle John to clarify which John he was referring to. My bicycle is my mode of transportation because I do not have a car. I, actually, do not miss having a car because of the cost, keeping up with servicing and keeping it clean. 🚵♂️
I accidentally replied to the main thread before and not your post. Wups. I'll post it here:
JohnPB I'm glad you are alive too. It hurts to hear that you have had to navigate such painful things. Progress and accomplishments are things that really echo around my head so in that way we are alike. It causes so much turbulence when I feel I haven't accomplished enough or feel stuck. What are some of the ways you manage your stress surrounding success or productivity? And thanks for your reply. I hope things are going better for you at the moment.
I just hope you feel better sometime soon. There is the saying, this too shall pass. 🙂
Hi paperpencil, Thanks for your understanding. To manage my stress regarding my success and productivity, I try to be gentle on myself. Often I get side tracked with doing things that are not productive or staying up too late at night. I use a spreadsheet to track my progress toward goals that I am working on, such as amount of time spent studying. I exercise to feel better physically and emotionally. I end up sabotaging my success at times by doing things that divert me from accomplishing my goals in a timely manner. You are able to relate about having high expectations of yourself. I think my ADD is also a challenge. I start many projects, but finish few of them. I am pressing on through the challenges.
I find that going easy on myself is the most difficult part. And if I ever make a to do list it's always very ambitious-- I almost never complete it. Vicious cycle.
Thanks for sharing. I can relate to having ambitious lists. When the standard is so high, we can never achieve it. I remember my mom saying at times that the day was wasted because she did not accomplish much. I am trying to focus more on what I accomplished than rather what I did not. It can be difficult to give ourselves grace that we are doing the best we can taking in to consideration how we are feeling. I take one day a week to rest from work. I heard that doing so helps restore us because we need some down time. Breaking free from the vicious cycle of never feeling much accomplishment is very difficult. I like what I heard a pastor say, you did not become who you are overnight, so don't expect that you will be able to change for the better overnight.
Hold on this shall too pass ! Please keep reaching out here so we can all help and support you ! So glad you finally posted and I am hopeful that with all the responses it helped and you feel supported and loved and you feel that this is a place you can count in ! I know I have been helped a lot on this forum! Sending positive thoughts and hope you feel better soon !❤️🩹🌈❤️
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