Just want to rant.

[DemureRose]

If you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know that I have been having some difficulties with a close friend. For those that haven't heard the story, I'll shorten it.

Been friends with this guy for over a year. We hung out once a week on Fridays for coffee dates (his idea). About 2 weeks ago he let me know that we could no longer have our coffee dates because his job needed him to come in earlier. I got mad and blew up on him. I'd had a bad week and felt like him saying that was the end of our friendship, because we really only talked on those Fridays. We've not spoken since. I have texted him and tried to get him to talk to me, at least so we can have a proper conclusion to our friendship. Crickets.

I had many ideas and theories on what was happening. He was busy and couldn't address things. He was mad and needed to cool off. But there was one that was the most likely but also the one I least wanted to accept. That he had met a girl and had decided to drop me for her. Well...that one was confirmed yesterday. We go to the same college and he walked right past me...with a girl. Bingo.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very hurt and my self-esteem is taking a hit that he chose another girl over me. But mostly, I'm upset he didn't talk to me. We had a similar situation a few months ago and I told him that if a girl entered the picture, he needed to tell me. He said he would. Now I know, him just saying he would doesn't mean anything, but everything else he's said he'd do he has done. And besides that promise, we were also really close friends. So why not tell me as a friend? I mean even for a friendship, we had seriously good communication up until this incident.

It's just insane for me to think about our friendship and where we've ended up. The fact that only four days prior to our "fight" we were normal and had a great Friday hangout. The deep and personal things we shared that day and the many times before. How could he just drop me like he has? So abruptly?

And just the way he let things end. So messy and unfinished. So unlike him. We go to the same college. We have class literally right next to each other at times. Why risk it being mega awkward and potentially dramatic for him? I stood next to that girl for a good 2 minutes. How did he know I wasn't mad enough to tell her stuff? Like why did he willingly put himself in this situation when I gave him a way out?

I dealt with this stuff in high school sure, but I thought once I got into college and you know...became an adult....people handled things better. A bit naive of me thinking about it now.

I've just never encountered a situation specifically like this before. I've lost friends, friends I had for years, but it was never so abruptly. We slowly drifted apart or something. It was never great one week then boom done the next. And never have I completely been ghosted like this by someone.

Except here's what's funny. He hasn't blocked me on anything. He still looks at my Instagram and Snapchat stories. Like dudeeeeee why not just block me?? Why not just let me go and be done?

Wanna hear my theory? I think that I've been a constant in his life. The one person that always answers him and is always there. I think that he prefers this girl over me right now and is beginning something with her, but just in case it doesn't work out...he wants me as a backup. That's what happened a few months ago. He almost got serious with a girl, she rejected him, and he began to put lots of effort towards me. I imagine that if things go bad with this new girl, I'll get some messages again.

I will say...I have sent him a text or two since he broke contact. Just getting things off my chest...usually when I was drunk lol. But yesterday I sent my final message. I told him in that message that I have feelings for him. Not to get anything from him...clearly I won't lol...just so I can feel like I have nothing to attach myself to him anymore. Was it the right choice? Who knows. But it made me feel better, even if just temporarily.

I'm trying so hard to move on. But I just wish we had officially ended things, instead of this weird, non-concrete conclusion.

[b1b1b1]

I have a sense from your posts that you have not quite moved on. I understand that it is very difficult and you have experienced a real and understandably very painful rejection by this person. In the long run, though, I think it would be best for your happiness to let him go completely.

[MCAJ]

I think you did the right thing, telling him your feelings. I hope you can detach from him as time goes by, and if he comes back, I wouldn’t be friends anymore.

[DemureRose]

I appreciate your response. And I respect you have your own opinions. However, you are on a forum for sufferers of anxiety, so to tell me what I shouldn't have done is not very helpful. All that does is add to my anxiety. I did not tell him of my feelings when I was drunk. I told him that in the middle of my final message, just one sentence. It wasn't even the purpose of the message or the biggest part of it. Do I regret what I said when I was drunk? Sure. Can I change that I said it? Nope. So to dwell on what I shouldn't have done is pointless. I know that I have not handled this 100% appropriately. I do not claim that I have. He was one of my closest friends and losing him so suddenly and unexpectedly hurt me deeply. He was not some guy that I meet a week ago and I felt butt hurt that he ghosted me. This was someone who was a part of my life for a year, someone who I shared myself with and opened up to and he to me. We were close friends and I felt I deserved for him to end things the right way. I never asked for us to be friends again, I asked for him to talk to me and let us end admirably. Desperate or not, that's what I did and I can't change that. Again, thank you for your response, but telling people what they shouldn't have done and making them stress about it is immensely unhelpful.

[Midori]

I feel that it was rather a cowardly action on his part. If he had been honest with you, you would probably find it easier to move on.

Unfortunately, many men cannot bring themselves to be honest about their reasons for breaking up. The ones who can are worth it.

Doesn't hurt less though!

Cheers, Midori

[Damian]

I'm sorry your friendship went this way. Although you wanted to be more than friends, you never were, so there was no reason for him to shut things down when he found a girlfriend. It's all a bit weird. If it doesn't work out, I agree, he may well try to start things up again.

If he's not responding to your texts, I'd at least leave it a good while before trying to make contact again. It's very annoying when people just blank you, rather than explaining what the problem is, but unfortunately it seems to be common. If you keep sending stuff, it makes you look a bit needy, which will probably make him back off more now he's started on that track.

People never handle this stuff well—it's not just about being an adult or not. It's crap at any age, but eventually it blows over and people get on with their lives. I suppose what does change is that you tend to know a wider range of people, so it's a bit easier to get over it. In college it feels as though college is everything there is (or it did to me, anyway). Now I've got my work, which is the closest equivalent to college, but I do other things as well. If one of those things goes badly for a time, it's not so devastating, because hopefully the other strands of my life are still on track.

[Daveacr1959]

This is why men and women can’t be friends. I can read it in your post , you had romantic feelings for him . Maybe I should say younger men and women. I’m almost 63 and I know I could be friends with a woman now. ( maybe) You know as I look back, I have never been friends with a woman. And if you add in if the man or woman are attractive. That makes it even harder. And if the man and woman are attractive, and ambitious. With lots of good qualities, being friends is a hopeless situation. They will always have an alterior motive. That usually involves a kiss . We talk about hard subjects in here, which is ok , it’s why we are here . You had a school girl crush. And it’s a refreshing topic from the normal hard stuff. It’s perfectly normal what you went through. I don’t remember you saying you had romantic feelings for him. And if I read that in I apologize. But men are not good friends for young women. I say at 60 we can give it a whirl. And male relatives are probably ok. But we men are pigs . And if we are honest, we can’t be friends with a girl we want to kiss. And if we do act friendly for awhile. It’s just until a girl we want to kiss comes along. It’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just how straight men are wired .

[DemureRose in reply to Daveacr1959]

You're right. I did have feelings for him. And you're also right that it was a stupid school girl crush that was bound to happen. When we first became friends, I had no feelings for him. I didn't even find him attractive. It was great for a while. I have always preferred my male friends over my female friends, used to be less dramatic and easier. So he was an amazing friend to have. But maybe you're right. Maybe men and women can't be friends. Just pain waiting at the end.

[Daveacr1959]

It’s funny how I was able to know you had romantic feelings for him. Because I don’t think you put it in the post. I have been married 42 years. And no .. men and women don’t make very good friends. My wife would not want me hanging out with a woman, nor would I her with a man. I mean we can’t be so jealous we can’t take members of the opposite sex talking to our mates . And you were not even married. But I find it refreshing we are talking about a crush and romance for once. Instead of our usual depression and anxiety. Gets us out of our heads . Just like a great cold shower! You learned a lesson. I don’t care if you are 35 and the man is 55 and he’s not attractive. He can’t be a true friend. He will always be hoping to sleep together. And vice versa, a attractive man and a woman not as attractive. She will be wanting to kiss . I think it’s a cruel trick nature plays on us , to insure the survival of the species. And there is more than looks . People are attracted to ambition, kindness, humor all kinds of things. I guess I learned this early on. When I was 17-21 any woman I was hanging around, thinking we were friends. Not soon later, we were kissing like crazy. So the friend thing was just a delusional idea. I have not had 1 woman friend in my entire life. I learned early on . I think once we reach a certain age , we can maybe be friends? 60-65-70.. lol

[CoderMom]

I think similar is happening to me, but I have no way to prove it at all. I have this one and only friend, a man I met almost four years ago now June. He started out wanting to date me and since then, he has completely backed away in the romance department. He says that we are everything to each other but intimacy, but then says I don't need to know what is going on with him because we are just friends. He has never invited me to his apartment. He comes to mine about once a month, sometimes twice, and sleeps on my couch. Even has a few items here. However, he has also watched my health go downhill due to autoimmune and genetic issues and completely out of my control and he has seemingly backed away. I told him if he ever found someone else that he should let me know, to keep the honest communication that we have and he said he would, but he also has told me that if he did find someone else he would never tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. He quietly convinces me that my working the hours I do is a good thing and encourages me to continue working on the weekends and is fine by him and he can be here and hang and talk to me when I'm done, but it seems like he is keeping me busy with work so he has time for someone else. When I mention this, I feel like he is gaslighting me. My health issues keep me from moving on. I just don't see much point while I am physically falling apart. It has been 17 years since my 2nd marriage blew up in my face and no real relationship since then. My dream is to be married again to a wonderful man who won't cheat or walk away, but my health issues are making it extremely challenging if not impossible, or fair to a new man. I hope you are able to find the right man for you.