I'm sorry i Jinx everything. I'm sorry for everything i did. Feeling like a psychofreak

[Against_the_current]

youtu.be/mcr-BYQBqXw(Not working as expected?)

[Hidden]

Hey, you okay? You're being too hard on yourself. You do not jinx things. Things don't happen because others jinx things. Things happen because that's how life works. People are human and humans make mistakes. I'd be worried about you if you didn't make a mistake.

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I'm not quite okay

[Against_the_current in reply to Against_the_current]

No, i'm not okay

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

Oh shoot, sorry for the delay in responding. I'm just on for a minute. I'm so sorry you're in a bad place. Is there someone you can talk to? Do you have affirmations for yourself?

Here's some of mine that you can use:

"My mistakes do not define who I am"

"I am strong and will get through this, even if it seems at times like it will ever end"

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, i will try them. It's really hard rn

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

You're welcome. I know it is dear. It is extremely hard. Say them over and over to yourself until you believe them. You might want to write down your affirmations and stick them up around your place. I'm signing off again. You'll be okay. It might not seem like it, but you will be. You are safe.

Take care,

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. It's so hard. I feel like i'm losing it

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

Something I was told yesterday that might help you as well:

Norw, the only enemy you have is you.

This is so true. My mind is going haywire with what-ifs and panic (this person hates me and I can't stand it, they are plotting against me, lies are being spread about me, etc.). While all these scenarios seem so real, the reality is that they are scenarios that my mind as created and they are speculation only. In reality, I don't have any clue as to what's going on behind the scenes. I am the one driving myself crazy. Our minds do this. If we are missing information, our minds take over and fill in the blanks.

You might find my latest post on controlling ruminating thoughts interesting. I ruminate and it is mental anguish. My psychiatrist is working with me on controlling it. I explain what I've learned in that post.

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

I needed to see exactly this. I'm having hard time realising when it's just my mind or something real. And it's really helpful to realise it's my mind because i can't control the outter world and i should take care of my mind.

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

That's great! I'm glad I could help!Gosh, yes!!!! It is SO dang hard to separate the two. It just seems SO incredibly real! I wish it wasn't hard.

I've lost track of how many times I've wanted to end my life just so I could get out of my head. It is AWFUL!!!!!

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, same. I said multiple times i will leave my head somewhere because it's causing me too much troubles and put a pumpkin instead of it and walk around like a head lesshoresman who is also horseless. Headless horseless. Ugh what will my head get this time🤦‍♀️😅. In my language we call a head that doesn't work good a pumpkin so that's where i got the idea from. My granma always calls my head a pumpkin... As If i didn't get anxiety from her

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

😂

[Midori]

Norw is right. The only one who can fix you is you.

31 years ago I escaped a violent marriage with my two children, He was abusive in every possible way. We escaped to a Battered Woman's refuge. They helped me to start divorce proceedings and gained a Protection Order for us.

Long story short, he couldn't take what he considered the shame of not being able to control his woman, and committed suicide, using my anti depressants and a litre of whisky.

I was left with undiagnosed and untreated PTSD, although it wasn't recognised at the time. Even though it was only just accepted in Service personnel, so it took some years to filter down to civilians.

I broke ties with my Inlaws as they were blaming me for it all, even spreading rumours that My son didn't look like his father because I'd been unfaithful. (Bit before DNAs for parenting too!) They should see him now! would make his father look small in comparison!

I was feeling like I didn't deserve to live for the next few years, even psychologists couldn't help me get through the feelings of utter worthlessness and the quivering wreck I became when I heard or saw fighting or arguments. There was always the nagging voice in my head telling me I was no good, a failure at everything I touched.

The kids were my salvation, doing my best for them helped, but the voice was still there,nagging away.

One morning I woke up in a different mood. I had realised the night before that the voice in my head was him, constantly denigrating. So, I called the voice out and cussed it out, told it to bleeping well get out of my head, and bleeping well learn about Travel and Reproduction (in a different order).

I had to repeat the instructions when it returned, as it did fairly regularly at first, but as time went on, the voice came back less often, and it no longer troubles me. I still get depressed from time to time, and there are still residual triggers from the PTSD, sudden noises will get me on the edge of flight or fight, the phone ringing will have me quaking in my boots, but otherwise, I'm coping pretty well. It has taken 30 years though!

Covid has knocked me back though, as I think it has with many of us, the isolation can be very difficult for the elderly, lonely and disabled especially.

My daughter is married with a son, but It's unlikely she will have another child, as she has PCOS and also CPOD. My son has been my carer since I developed fibromyalgia. We moved away from the old town (too many unpleasant memories) and now live in a bungalow in Wales.

My kids made me develop a backbone, and I'm hoping that my son will be able to find a decent job when I turn my toes up! He's a practical soul, and dyslexic, so not really suited to anything in an office. He's into history, so maybe I can get him into one of the Historical Crafts here. If he goes to college for more than a day or two, or gets work for more than 2 days a week he will lose his Carers Allowance (pittance though it is!)

I know it for a truth , that the only person who can fix you is yourself. I have done it, so can you. It will take time and effort, but it can be achieved.

Cheers, Midori

[Against_the_current in reply to Midori]

You're so strong! I'm speechless

[Midori in reply to Against_the_current]

Not always. It was a real struggle, bringing up two kids during a recession, organising everything from kindergarten upwards, lawyers, police (who had been told by my MIL that I had murdered him). Turns out he repeat ordered my antidepressants, and took em all with whisky. The date was the day before, and I had been in the refuge for 6 weeks by then.

I was lucky with the police; fortunately they were with me on the day he was discovered. He had locked and bolted all the doors and windows from the inside; and the place was akin to Fort Knox! I'm sure if he could have gotten poison gas he would have. I had to show them the only window which wasn't double glazed, and they had to break it to get in.

They found he had slashed all my clothes, and broken a lot of stuff, smashed the bathroom, etc. Cost me a lot to get it all fixed, and I didn't have a great deal of money as it took 6 months for the Inquest, after which I could claim the house, money, etc.

It was a tough time; a case of get tough or break.

Fell apart afterwards. Taken 30 years to get this far, also fighting Fibro and PTSD.

Cheers, Midori

[Against_the_current in reply to Midori]

I'm so sorry, Midori. You're so strong

[Midori in reply to Against_the_current]

So can you be. Little steps every day. Don't look back, look forwards. Everyone has a part in Life, the fabric is woven from us all, and if someone goes missing, the pattern will be different. Even if you don't know them, other people are affected by you and your actions. Try to make them good actions.

Cheers, Midori

[Against_the_current in reply to Midori]

Thanks, Midori