I'm really struggling right now, exhausted.

[Joshgw]

I'm really struggling. Tired of living this way. I've practiced a lot of DBT skills today, opposite action, radical acceptance, guided meditation. But I don't feel any better. I just want this pain and anxiety to go away. I know I have to do the work myself, but it's so frustrating and discouraging when it feels like nothing works. I know I've made progress but I have a long way to go and I'm so tired, so tired of the sobbing, the pain, of a wife who resents me b/c she's had to be my caregiver instead of me being an equal partner. So tired of feeling like crap. I've been severely suicidal but I don't want to die, that's the hardest part. I have to live for my 12 yr old son and wife, I want to live for them. But sometimes I just feel like I just can't do it. I feel like it's one step forward and two steps back and my wife always says I don't have to let the depression suck me in, that I have a choice. She's right to a point, I can choose to fight my disease but there are times when it just overwhelms you. And for me, it happens all the time. I know I just have to push through, but when does it end? Where's the payoff? I'm tired of being in the tunnel.

[Breatheart]

I’m so sorry you are suffering…I completely understand. I’ve been severely depressed for a year now..taking meds, DBT, walking, trying to engage in life…..but everyday is torture. I don’t want to die either….but this beast called depression causes us to have such awful thoughts. From what I hear..(was it a Beatles song?). There are no problems….only solutions…...I hope for all of us….that’s true 💖

[Hidden]

Just wanted to say that you’re not alone. When my meds are straight and I have at least one area of my life that is going ok (personal, work, health, etc), things are easier to deal with. But lately, I’ve got stress from every side and am struggling as well. I constantly worry that my child will have to struggle like I have for most of my life. I think for those of us with these issues, it never completely disappears. I have found medication, therapy, meditation, exercise, and setting boundaries to help control it. I hope you find some peace and contentment.

[Agamemnon2022]

Man I'm sorry you are suffering.

I've had depression for 40+ years. It was hard to come to the realization that I will never be "cured." But I do believe that I can learn to live within a structure that can help me to live a more fulfilled life.

Everyday is a struggle to build and live within that system. Everyday I succeed I grow a little stronger and a little more capable. My backslides are down from months to days.

[Hidden]

I hear you. It is mental anguish, is what it is. I can't stand being in my own head this morning, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get the point where I can stand to live in my head. I hope it helped to share. Thanks for sharing!

[Joshgw]

Thank you all for your support. I know I'm not alone (which is why I come here). I have a new treatment team and plan. I'm doing TMS, I just upped my trintellix (15mg) only a week ago. I know everything takes time. I've been dealing with this for 25 years. I've tried 20 meds during this time. I was recently hospitalized. I've had moments in the last month or two where I felt I was getting better but now the pain is really bad. I'm crying/sobbing more. Two weeks ago, I had a glimpse of happiness (as much as we can) but it's one step forward two steps back. My wife says she's numb, broken, and has no feelings. I feel like it's my fault, I've become this burden to her. I'm not getting the support from her I need. But I also have this tendency to want to be coddled. Which is not what I need. I need to work on this myself, I know I need to be challenged. But she's so checked out now, caregiver fatigue, she's in survival mode, she just can't take it anymore.

I just can't live like this. I've made a lot of progress since I left the hospital. She knows I'm trying, she knows I'm doing the right things to get better. She did say she was proud of me. I've come so far but I can't break through. But what's the alternative? I want to live. But I can't like this.

[Pte82 in reply to Joshgw]

Joshgw I detected an upbeat when I read about your new team and plan. That in it self is a big step in the right direction.I wanted to share this information about the vagus nerve and the brain as it may offer you complementary support. Thiamine is a component needed for their function but is often at a deficiency as anti thiamine factors diminish thiamine. See stuttersense attachment. The thiamine forms sulbutiamine and TTFD are efficient passing through the blood/brain barrier. Magnesium is a component needed to convert thiamine to it's active form. It too is often found to be deficient in the diet. Search on "krispin magnesium" for a list of causes of magnesium loss and info to calculate for daily needs. Magnesium L-threonate is a form that can pass the blood brain barrier and can be included with other forms in calculating daily elemental magnesium. Boron increases magnesium absorption. Search on "nothing boring about boron" for more info. Always consult your health care professional before using any supplement.

frontiersin.org/articles/10...

stuttersense.blogspot.com/2...

[Joshgw in reply to Pte82]

Hi Pte. I actually started taking magnesium supplements and I take deplin too on top of my regular meds.